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[When Shaw wakes up, she elects not to interrupt Will going about his day, once she verifies via her warden item that he's safe and healthy. But when he next comes into his cabin, he'll find her awake, still wherever he'd left her coma'd body - and with Jet lying across her legs, her gently scruffing at his face.]

Edited (fun new idea for myself: proof-reading BEFORE i hit submit) 2023-07-12 15:55 (UTC)

[ He'd left her on his bed, as he has been sleeping on the couch- those nights when he's actually been sleeping, and also been here. Tonight, he comes back from his shift at the kennels with both Winston and Jax in tow. He freezes when he sees Shaw up, then breaks into a smile.

The dogs tug at their leashes and he bends down to unhook them. They both rush towards Shaw, eager to greet her. ]

Hey. Welcome back.

Hey.

[She accepts the clobbering, smiling faintly as she pets each dog in turn (maybe giving a little special attention to Winston, since he and Jet are her favorites). ]

Looks like I stole your bed. How long have I been out?

[ Will looks around for the note he left- he sees the piece of paper under the bedframe, probably kicked there by an excited dog. Ah, well. ]

A little over a couple of weeks. No floods, no breach yet.

[ He sounds mildly disappointed about that. He'd been hoping Shaw could miss that, at least. ]

Dogs missed you...I'm sure you couldn't tell.

[ What with the way they're all clambering on the bed for her attention- yes, even Jet who has probably had plenty of time with her already. ]

Just a little.

[And that faint smile flickers just a tad brighter for a second.

When he glances down at the note, she follows his gaze to the floor, then gently dislodges Jax from her elbow so that she can lean down and picking it up.

Eighteen days, it says. She's been gone eighteen days. The smile vanishes entirely.]

No flood, no breach, but I was still out for nearly three weeks.

[ Will lets out a small sigh. ]

Yep. And people here find ways to make a mess all on their own, unsurprisingly.

[ He stops himself, remembering something good for once: ] Neal graduated, though. He's been through the wringer lately, but something clicked. Pretty sure he's planning on staying on as a warden.

I know. He told me. That happened right before I went under.

[She curls her fingers around the note, crumpling it.]

I wanna know what's been up with you, though.

...ah.

[ Well, that's the end of his good news, honestly. He fidgets with his fingers at her question. It's been awhile since the focus has been on him. ]

Well, uh. Not a lot, other than spending more time with Malcolm. He actually pulled me to a party in the lounge. That was pretty good, until Laura punched him in the face.

Honestly, I've been in kind of a holding pattern. I...talked to Lestat, and found that we can chat about dogs without growling at each other. So there's that.

Yeah? You okay with that?

With not growling at Lestat? I think I can manage to keep it in, if he keeps his fangs and claws out of my people from here on.

[She nods; it's not a position that she disagrees with, necessarily. But--]

It doesn't make you feel like you're being asked to not care about what he did?

[ Will's clearly thinking that over for a few long moments. He eventually shakes his head. ]

It felt more like Lestat was being asked to at least acknowledge I was as much a person as he is, with my own unique form and function. Going by that? It was more productive than I expected.

[She nods again, more sharply this time; it's a nod of acknowledgement and acceptance. But with that squared away--

A frown creases her brow as she studies him.]

That was two comas in, what, four months? Both for a couple weeks each time. I'm useless to you if I'm asleep half the time.

[ Will rubs his chin. ]

I mean, we can try to set up a plan, in case that happens again.

I did hear a theory about the correlation between deaths and comas, that maybe you need more of a 'break' to come back from a larger number of deaths.

How did Rogers do with you, during the port?

Just fine. I like him, and we get along well, I think.

Okay. If he's game, we can say he gets my warden item when I go down, if I go down again?

Sure.

[ That sounds like a good backup. Even if Malcolm could probably handle most things, in a pinch.

His eyes slide halfway shut, and he looks for a moment like he might be drifting off. But he does refocus on Shaw. ]

You have questions about anything else while you were down? Anything else?

[She pauses.]

Are you tired? We can talk later.

No, not tired, just-

[ He looks up, trying to decide how to say it. ]

I'm getting overwhelmed again. Maybe I've been 'socializing' too much lately, but I just want to hole up here with the dogs again for awhile.

[It's something that Shaw is all too familiar with herself these days - both the feeling of overwhelm itself, as well as the resulting impulse. She nods, and shifts a little, preparing to stand if he needs to.]

You want me to go?

No. No, I don't.

[ Then what is- ah. ]

You being up is just highlighting how tired I was getting of other people.

...that's a compliment, honest.

[There are so few people who not only accept, but appreciate that she is how she is - and once again, Shaw finds herself absurdly grateful for getting so lucky pairing-wise. She nods and starts to settle back against the pillows, but then--]

You want me to at least get out of your bed? I don't mind sitting on the floor if you'd rather.

And move all those dogs? They're so happy.

[ Will gives her a small grin, but he's not going to keep her there if she wants to get up. The dogs are still competing for pets, although it seems like Winston is winning right now. ]

You thirsty or anything? I don't know what it's like coming out of those.

[Well, if she's not getting kicked out she's certainly not leaving these pillows and this dogpile (also a pillow, kind of) of her own accord. She shifts to the side a little to give Will more room if he wants to flop next to her, but otherwise, she stays right where she is.]

Water, yeah. Sure. Thanks.

[After a brief pause, she adds--]

-- Graham. There is something I wanted you to know.

[ Will stops just before bending down to grab a cup from one of his drawers. ]

Oh, yeah? What's that?

I came here for the deal.

[She's not looking at him; her eyes are closed.]

But even if it turns out to all be bull - I still want to see you graduate. If the Admiral showed up right now and said I wasn't getting a thing for it, I'd stay.

[ He still smiles as he looks at her. It's not something he'd been concerned about, not like some inmates. But it's nice to know she cares that much. ]

Thank you.

But I do want you to get your deal. So if the Admiral did that, I'd call him on his bullshit.

[ He stands up, heading off to grab some water. It doesn't take him very far, but he still calls out:] We could work on taking him down together, maybe.

Impossible.

[But she appreciates the sentiment all the same. ]

People have tried, you know. Wardens, even.

[ Will scoffs, but then it replies cheerfully: ] Well, I'd expect it'd take awhile.

But it's a good thing he seems good for his word.

[ He returns with a cup of water, setting it on the nightstand. Jet starts sniffing towards it and he breath a quiet 'hey'. Jet quickly returns to being interested in Shaw. ]

Wardens have tried, though, huh? What prompted that?

Edited (icon) 2023-07-16 16:39 (UTC)

General discontent about the way things are run, from what I've heard.

[She keeps it vague in part because Steve hasn't given her too many details, and in part because she doesn't want to tattle on him specifically.]

Seems like the goal was to crash the place and set people free.

[ Will raises his eyebrows in a weird sort of appreciation. ]

That's a bold goal, when we know so little about how the ship works or even what it's moving through.

But good on them for trying. I'm not discontent, but I understand why some would be.

[She cracks an eye - half to look at him, half so that she won't knock over the water glass as she reaches for it.]

People died. Even more people were at risk. I don't think it sounds like it was anything close to worth it. This place is-- frustrating, confusing. It does a number on my head. But if it's real, it's not evil.

Sure. But I can also understand people not agreeing with that. Not to say I want a mutiny or to put the ship at risk, but we're all from different backgrounds, different places in our lives. It's not so hard to imagine that someone wouldn't have any trust left to give.

[ Will slides his armchair over and sits down, facing Shaw. ]

...if I hadn't been given the choice to come here, I might've done something similar.

We're not talking about that, though. We're talking about a warden.

Really? How interesting.

I assume he got demoted for that one. Especially since people died.

Yup. It was a few years ago now, though. I'm not sure too many people even know about it now.

He was doing it out of principle. So that's...Steve, or Raylan, or maybe someone I haven't spent much time talking to...

[ He's muttering, half-lost in thought. ]

[Shaw goes quiet for a moment, rubbing her fingers over the velvet of Jet's ear.]

Does it matter?

Oh- [ Whoops. ]

Sorry, not really. Habit, I guess. And I'd like to ask him what he's seen that I haven't. Even if his opinion changed, which I'm guessing it must've if he's still here. I like having full knowledge of what I'm working with, and that's been in pretty short supply, here.

I want to ask about the time the ship was broken up, too. But talking to Raylan about it...I got the idea it was extremely traumatizing for everyone involved.

I could ask him if he'd be cool with you asking about it. Not Raylan, uh-- the other guy.

...ah.

[ He looks slightly sheepish, looking to the side and running a hand back through his hair. A profiler's always gonna profile, apparently. He's better about that than Malcolm in some respects, and worse in others. ]

Yeah, would you? If he's uncomfortable about it, I'll drop it entirely.

Sure.

[She goes quiet again, and her eyes flick upwards.]

It's not exactly a state secret, who did it and what he did. I just get the impression that he's sensitive about it, and I'm not looking to be insensitive.

[A pause.]

There's only a handful of people I feel comfortable around here. He's one of them, kind of.

I could ask him directly, if you'd rather. You don't need to chance anything going wrong.

It could still go wrong on you.

Ah.... [ Will gestures with his hands to punctuate his shrug. ]

I'm friendly with him, but not his friend. I can take him being unhappy with me.

I've had pretty good luck with that here, besides. People are more willing to forgive social faux pas.

[She raises an eyebrow, giving him a little grin.]

Unless it's a raid-the-speakeasy kind of social faux pas.

Or the 'asking people the same questions as Will does, but with a slightly condescending tone' faux pas.

[ He rolls his eyes, but also smiles. ]

Maybe I've just cracked the code on not immediately pissing people off?

[ He sounds very unsure....but maybe a little hopeful. ]

It's more than just that with Bright, you know.

...I know. He can be pushy. And judgmental. And all the things I tend to be worse about, but he's out in the open about it.

[ He looks up from his hands, curious is Shaw has anything to add to that. ]

And if you make an assumption about me and I tell you you're wrong, do you listen?

[ Will smiles wanly. ]

For you? Yeah.

Other people? I'd tell them I was. Whether I actually listened would depend on the context.

Well.

[She jumps an eyebrow at him again.]

I didn't say I think he's bad. He's just more annoying.

I know his deductions suffer when his personal feelings get in the way, and they've been especially bad when it came to you.

[ He has a suspicion that wasn't entirely Malcolm's fault, but he has absolutely no way to back that up at the moment. ]

I'm a little surprised you have anything to do with him, still.

[That eyebrow is just continuing to arch higher and higher.]

Are you?

[ He shakes his head. ]

Not really. I know it's not as big an offense to you as it is to apparently everyone else, but...you do seem to find him consistently annoying.

I find Eiffel consistently annoying, too.

[And yet she spends a consistent amount of time hanging around in his cabin.]

True.

[ He smiles, looking comfortable. ]

I had a feeling it might be like that. It's somewhat comforting, you know? Because it's about that time when most people realize that I'm 'lying to them' and they start turning away. Well- maybe a couple of months from now. But it makes you less likely to follow the pattern.

Even if every word you've said to me is a lie, I'm not going anywhere.

[And this she sounds very, very sure of.]

It's... weird, with Bright. He sets me off more than most people, but I don't hate him.

[ His smile turns into something a little more vulnerable, as he blinks and looks down at his hands. ]

Yep. He's committed to trying to do the right thing. That's another trait you both share. His core is...maybe cracked, after what happened to him as a child, but still purely focused on doing good. Sometimes to his physical detriment. Definitely to his mental detriment.

[ But he's getting off track. ]

Maybe you resonate with that part, even if all the...packaging doesn't appeal.

Mm, I can try to, anyway. He can be really all or nothing sometimes.

[ He hums in agreement. ]

That's how his whole life has been. All or nothing. All that wealth and privilege and family, except the family went sour and no one will get close to him and everyone expects him to be a monster.

[ He shrugs. ]

I'm probably not the best person to do so, but I'm trying to get him to see some shades of gray. And to get comfortable with people actually liking him.

Not everyone expects him to be a monster here. He could have a fresh start.

I believe he's tried numerous 'fresh starts' before- in addition to changing his name. You know how tough it is to believe that you're not going to have the same experience you had in school? At work? Everywhere that your family isn't?

Even if he says it, it's going to take him a long while to truly believe that he's safe here from the things that he wasn't safe from before. Especially when he's always waiting for another Eiffel to slap him with the unfeeling psychopath label.

[ Will has not forgotten how devastated Malcolm was about that. His small frown shows that he also knows very well what that feels like. ]

Well, he's definitely not that. Neither of you are.

[Mindful of Jet, Shaw sits up a little on her elbows so that her gaze is more level with his.]

I don't think you're the best person to be the only person he confides in. That's one of the things I'm worried about.

Oh, yeah?

[ He raises an eyebrow, but follows it up with nodding. ]

I don't want him to be isolated. He's- oh, you probably haven't heard. He was invited awhile ago, and decided to join Lark's werewolf pack. So...uh, that's new?

That's... weird. But weirdly fitting for him.

[She pauses here, and then adds:]

Did you think I thought either of you were unfeeling psychopaths?

No. I've never been worried about that from you. I was more curious about what you were worried about, with me and him.

The werewolf thing- it is fitting for him, isn't it? You should see him.

[ And his demeanor immediately eases as he smiles. ]

Gray with a white undercoat, and with these bright blue eyes. He's not quite as fluffy as Iris, but just as soft. I did my best not to influence him there, but I'm glad he decided to go ahead and do it.

I worry about your histories and, uh, issues colliding in a bad way, mostly. I think his all-or-nothing thinking makes him prone to idealizing you, and your relationship history means there's a high chance of things going weird unless he's really on his game.

[ All right, all right...they'll talk about this and not what an awesome wolf Malcolm makes. Will looks up at the ceiling, his smile fading. ]

I told my crush that she dodged a bullet three relationships ago. So yeah, I know...that's an issue. All I can say is that I don't want him hurt, and I don't--

[ He purses his lips and shakes his head. ]

I really want this. I feel safe with him. I'm hoping...we've been through so many strange, unique-but-still-similar experiences. I'm hoping that we can help each other through that. And not create some sort of feedback loop that makes us both worse.

[look buddy you can totally talk about wolf stuff later, but first, BUSINESS]

I know you want it. I'm not telling you you shouldn't have it, or that you can't have it. I just wanna make sure it gets done right, and that's concerning, because I think there are a lot of ways it could go wrong. And I know I'm not the best person to help you navigate around that, because I suck at relationships.

[ Will can't help but smile a bit in disbelief. ]

I don't know, you seemed to have figured something out that worked for you.

[Shaw doesn't flinch on the outside, but she does on the inside, a little (a dropped stone plinking against the walls of the bottomless cavern within her; a hand flailing against a translucent plastic sheet). She's been trying not to think about Root, lately. Tattoos and memories and mental escapes are all well and good when she thinks she might be able to bring her back, but the unreality of the Barge has been hitting her especially strongly lately, and it's all too easy to imagine that the promise of a magic resurrection deal is just another trick - and one that she would have to be impossibly gullible to fall for.]

Pure random chance.

[She says with a shrug, her tone of voice unchanged.]

Trust me, that doesn't mean I know how to do relationships.

[ Will doesn't catch it all- it's extremely hard to, even when he's trying. But he still gets the feeling that he's stepped wrong. He just notes it, for now, and moves on. ]

Hmmm, maybe not. I guess.

But you're still in a better position than either Malcolm or me, I think. Do you know what 'doing it right' looks like to you?

There are... a lot of different ways to do it right. Just like there are a lot of different ways to do it wrong. My parents did it right.

[But a single relationship isn't a good blueprint, particularly not when any memories she had of them together ended when she was only ten years old.]

With you two? Probably a little more easing into things than full steam ahead.

[ See? She's already ahead of both of them, having a good example. Although her recommendation already has him chuckling somewhat uncomfortably. ]

Well...I haven't proposed marriage yet?

[ He has thought about it... ]

Good, because you only met like two months ago.

[Or three or maybe four or whatever. Time is weird.]

Your whole reason for being here is your history with unhealthy relationships, Will.

I've been here five months.

[ It's a gentle correction, because some of that time was Breach and some Shaw wasn't awake for. He regrets the gentleness a bit as she moves on- his eyebrows shoot up at the next statement. ]

My whole reason?

In context? Yeah. I mean-- you're here because of the murder and the manipulation and the harm you've done to others, but taking those actions at face value would be pretty reductive.

[ Those eyebrows stay up, but he's clearly thinking it over. After some mulling, he releases all his breath in one sigh and nods. ]

...I never had the same boundaries that other people automatically had in place. With my condition, it wasn't a possibility. So I built physical walls, as much as possible. Distance. Automatic responses to keep people away. It was hardly foolproof- you've read that for yourself. But it helped.

And I'm...not allowed any of those here. It's all oriented to let more people in- the floods, the breaches, the lack of space. I am more exposed here than I have been in decades. So...honestly, I don't know what directions I should be leaning in.

That... makes a lot of sense, actually. And I don't want to discourage you doing that.

[She pauses.]

I just worry about you two ending up with that same closed-off-to-outsiders, codependent, us-against-the-world partnership you had with Lecter. Just because Bright is a major upgrade doesn't mean that kind of thing is a good thing, you know?

[ Will nods about the first part- he truly hadn't been sure if attempting to go with the 'open and honest' theme the Barge seemed to encourage was doing good for him, or if Shaw was aware of problems he wasn't. The clarification helps- and he's glad to understand her concern. ]

I know. And I know that both him and I are very susceptible to developing codependency. It's possible we're both keeping an eye out for it, in different ways. I'm not focusing all my attention on him, I'm trying to learn new things for my own benefit, I am spending time with others. Is that- is there anything else I could do to ease your mind on that front?

Talk to me about it, including the stuff you think I won't approve of-- no, actually, especially the stuff you think I won't approve of. I know that sounds backwards, but if you're open about the hinky stuff then I'm gonna worry less that there's something nuts going on behind the scenes. A couple months ago, you called him possessive, and you sounded like you thought that was a good thing. How's that going?

That-

[ God, she's never going to let that go, is she? He looks down at his hands before answering. ]

That was projection, looking back at it. I didn't want to stop seeing him, I didn't want to see anyone else, and I was reaching for what'd put you off. I'm possessive, and I didn't want to lose my time with him.

That's become more obvious when those bugs were here, and- there was a party recently that he brought me to. He got punched, out of the blue by Laura. He has Gaius' healing, so he was fine, but- Neal came by afterward to check on him. And he was drunk- there was a lot of touching.

[ Will narrows his eyes a bit, but he's not even annoyed. Just unsure. ]

I got Malcolm out of the party as quickly as I could. The mood was ruined anyway, but- I wanted him away from Neal.

[Aha. Well, that certainly makes a lot of sense, too. She sits up on her elbows a little more, studying him.]

Does Bright know?

That...I'm possessive?

[ His mind flashes back to that night and the words he said to Malcolm after they were finally alone again. ]

I'm pretty sure he's aware by now. But we've never talked about that, specifically.

That you're possessive in general, and that you wanted him away from Caffrey in that specific instance. Did you talk about that?

No, we haven't. I've been trying to be understanding of their situation. And I've always tried to mind my own business when it came to Neal being his inmate.

Not that it helped things when Neal got sent back home, but I don't think I made any of it worse.

Okay. And do you get why isolating Malcolm from a concerned friend was a crappy thing to do, and an impulse you shouldn't have followed, even if neither of them knew that's what you were doing? Or are you okay with having done that?

[It's not said with anger or judgement or disappointment - she's asking both matter-of-factly, and genuinely.]

I'm okay with it.

[ He doesn't even have to think about that. ]

I gave them space. I didn't move in to physically separate them, even though Neal was very clearly drunk. Possibly because of that, as that was why he got handsy. I didn't stop their conversation. I feel I was the appropriate level of polite.

If I'd actually followed my impulse, I know that would've been...crappy. But I didn't. I feel I've been extremely respectful towards Neal, because I know he's been going through a lot lately.

[ His eyebrows twitch and that's the only indication that he's annoyed about this line of questioning. ]

... Okay. That's not what you just told me, though; you told me you got him out of there as quickly as possible because you wanted him away from Neal.

I did, although- I should've been clearer and said 'as quickly as was socially acceptable.' I let Neal check on him and make sure he was okay, then declared myself done with the party. Malcolm came with me.

No one even had their feelings hurt, as far as I could tell. But I still wanted him away from Neal at the time. Does that make more sense?

Yeah. And that is better than if you'd been a dick about it, or hustled Caffrey away early. But friends touch each other sometimes, and it doesn't mean Caffrey wants to steal your boyfriend away, so it's still a worrying impulse, you know? Not the worst thing, but something to keep an eye on.

[Shaw shifts around, breaking eye contact for a moment to look at the ceiling, at the dog, and at the walls before settling her gaze back on him.]

For the record. Even if you had shoved Caffrey out of the way and, I don't know, forced Bright out of the room, I'd still want to be your warden.

[ That actually makes Will smile. ]

I believe you. I know why you keep trying to convince me you'll stay on, but you don't have to go to the trouble.

Uh- also. Neal's still in love with Malcolm. I'm pretty sure.

-- Seriously?

Oh.

Yeah.

[ This is why he thinks he's been doing pretty well with Neal. ]

Do you... know how Bright feels about that?

Malcolm didn't know until Neal came back. He thought- and might still think- that Neal was just responding to Malcolm's kindness early on in their pairing. I...don't know. I've tried to stay out of it.

[ He takes in a deep breath, then smiles wanly. ] Of course, my mind doesn't make that easy.

Yeah. It's, uh-- not something I have personal experience with, but I get how that would make things harder.

[ Will nods. ]

I think he's trying to move on from Malcolm, but feelings don't always follow what you tell them to. I'm pretty much an expert on that.

But even when Neal was at his angriest, he never raised a hand to me. He's a good guy. I'm trying to give him time.

You think hanging out with him more would help?

...Me? No. He doesn't like me. I can't really blame him.

He's still willing to have me in art class, though. So I'll probably keep going.

You think... hanging around you more in a social capacity would help him tolerate you more? 'Cause I was going to suggest we get drinks or something.

Hmmm...probably wouldn't hurt to try. But he's someone who can have a pleasant conversation with just about anyone, even people he hates. I don't know if that sways him at all.

Although- he might be different around you, since you're close.

We met during that warden-inmate swap flood. We got close during a breach. Which is probably a little... weird, but yeah. You want me to ask?

Sure. Let's give it a try.

Okay.

[She pauses, just focusing on the dog for a few moments.]

Is it weird if I say I'm proud of you?

You are?

[ It's not weird, he's just not expecting it. And that question takes precedence right now. ]

Yeah. You're talking about this stuff, which isn't easy and probably sucks.

[ He breaks into a chuckle. ]

Well, you're right about that. And hearing all my problems reduced down to 'relationship issues' made me feel like a dumb kid.

But- I'm not exactly here to take it easy, right? I'm...trying to take the help, now that it's actually being offered.

[ It would be extremely ungrateful of him not to, after he asked and begged for help for so long back home, only to be met with silence or accusations. ]

[Shaw makes a face, though it's not really directed at him.]

I didn't mean for it to sound like that. They're really massive, complicated, existential relationship issues. And, uh, anyway-- I'm pretty sure a lot more things can be boiled down to that than people would admit.

[ He still looks amused. ]

I bet you're right. And I know you didn't. That's just how it hit me in the moment. Probably because I was feeling defensive, because I know you're right.

[ And after a long moment's thought: ] It's a lot easier to ignore the intensely toxic nature of a relationship when you're romanticizing everything about it.

And when you have a partner who thinks you can do no wrong, yeah. That puts all the responsibility on you.

[Responsibility that she worries Will isn't capable of fully carrying yet.]

[ Will had been thinking about his relationships back home, actually. So her talking about someone 'who thinks you can do no wrong' gives him a little emotional whiplash. He looks at Shaw for a moment before responding. ]

I know it doesn't seem like it, considering Malcolm's enthusiasm. But he is aware of my issues and what might trip me up. I think he's maybe hopeful that I'd make the right choices, but he's borne the full brunt of me withholding information when I first got here. He knows what I'm capable of.

Yeah?

[She raises an eyebrow, clearly a little surprised.]

Something to do with Hannibal?

Yes. I went into just about everything, and then, during that damn bug-flood--

[ He doesn't actually sound too upset about it, in this context. ]

We even got into the more uncomfortable parts. How I felt. How I still feel. He knows as much as you do.

Mm, he doesn't have the file, and I don't have your full perspective laid out all at once from beginning to end. Did he, uh-- did he relate to you, considering his dad and all?

[Had he seen Will's relationship with Hannibal as similarly unhealthy and dangerous, or had he seen Hannibal purely as a romantic rival?]

When it comes to complicated feelings about a relentless murderer, yes. And what it feels like to have that murderer focus so singularly on you. He picked up on the fact that Hannibal set up a 'trauma bond' with me almost immediately, as well.

I told him about the psychic driving, and the feelings that eventually developed- partially to see if it seemed like Hannibal implanted that while he was trying to turn me into a killer...but we didn't find anything conclusive there. I doubt it, though.

Okay. Good.

[There's a beat, and then she shakes her head, clarifying--]

Uh, the first part, I mean. Good about the second part too, yeah, but I'm glad both things are something you both are recognizing as messed up.

Mmmhmm. We both have been in therapy since we were kids, then studied abnormal psychology later on. We'd have to be extremely deep in denial to not notice the signs of a narcissistic sociopath taking advantage of a situation.

But I know you have to check on it, too. Because something went very wrong somewhere- and probably multiple somewheres- with me.

Because no matter how smart and experienced someone is, people are still fallible.

[A pause.]

It's not an insult, you know. I don't think you, like-- failed, or that you're weak. People think that about me sometimes: they assume that someone like me must think their emotions make them weak.

I know it's not an insult. I'm not surprised people have reacted that way toward you, but I've never thought of you that way.

Besides, anyone who doesn't think they're fallible or weak sometimes is lying to themselves.

Do you feel like you being the way you are makes it easier or harder for you to admit that to yourself?

Oh, easier. Definitely. I spent so much of my life trying to sort out the mess that is my head- I know better than anyone how bad I can get. So it's easy to know I have blind spots, biases, and wrong assumptions- and maybe harder to point them out to myself, since they're buried in with a number of feelings that aren't really mine.

[ He's quiet for a moment, then offers an example. ]

...looking back, I can see I couldn't stay objective when it came to Abigail Hobbs. I had far too many feelings wrapped up with her.

[Shaw nods, looking down at her hands.]

I'm sorry. About-- what happened to her. I know I've never actually told you that.

Thanks.

[ He laces his fingers together, looking down at them as well. ]

I should've listened to Alana about her. Kept my distance. Hannibal would've kept his.

[She looks up again when he looks down, eyes steady on his bent head.]

You've made a lot of crappy choices. And sure, some of those crappy choices tied into what happened to her. But that's not the same thing as your choices causing her death, or it being your fault. Hannibal Lecter caused her death. It was his fault.

[ Will closes his eyes. ]

I know that. Intellectually, I know. And I know he manipulated things to make me feel that way, over and over. But still, everything she went through- it's hard to not feel it, like a hole in my chest.

Yeah. I know. I just didn't want to not say it.

[ Will nods, his head bobbing in more of a twitch than anything else. He opens his eyes and gives Shaw a weak smile. His eyes shine with unshed tears. ]

Yeah. Thank you for saying it.

[Shaw isn't a touchy person, but it's not like she doesn't know how important it is for most people, and how much of a help it can be. Slowly, she shifts towards the edge of the bed and lifts a hand, reaching out so that it hovers near Will's knee - but she stops just short of actually making contact, waiting and watching for his response first. She's prepared to either put her hand on him if he seems like he's amenable, or withdraw immediately if he seems like he's not.]

[ Will sees her reaching out, takes her hand and squeezes it gently before letting it go. He understands the effort put in, and strongly appreciates it. ]

I'm okay- ...I'll be okay. It helps to hear.

Guess I tripped myself up, there. The point was that I am definitely a man who has regrets. And I'm not so egotistical to believe that I won't ever regret a choice I make in the future.

[She takes that as a Don't touch me any further and pulls back, though her eyes stay on him.]

Probably, yeah. I'm guessing that's kinda scary?

[ He doesn't want her to push herself, is all. But this works fine. ]

Not...really? I don't fear the unknown anymore. In fact, I don't seem to get scared much at all now. Seems like a small silver lining for everything I've been through.

...so I will make the decisions I make, and keep doing the best I can.

Hey

Just wanna make sure you're ok.

Know shit's been crazy

I'm all right. Feeling worn out by people, but that's not exactly new.

How about you? You wading through all the drama okay?

I have no idea.

Don't know half of what's going on.

I feel like I'm always trying to catch up.

Is Malcolm ok?

Guess we're wading through it together, then. I'm feeling the same.

Malcolm's fine. In fact, I wish he'd be a little less fine with getting punched, but I won't change his mind on that. At least he heals it up fast now.

Is Laura okay? She was understandably wary of talking to me after the party.

Kikimora fucked up her face over what she did. So I'm not sure how she is. Other than pissed.

Not sure she even knows about you and Malcolm.

Think she's just going through a lot of shit.

[ Okay, that's the end of text, after Will types a couple of confused words and then just opts to call. ]

Kikimora attacked her? How'd she even-

[ He scoffs at himself, because the question isn't useful. Of course Kiki could've figured out a way to do it if she wanted. ]

How badly was she hurt?

Broke her face with a full pint glass.

[The information is provided as casually as one can in such a situation.]

Swoll up bad. Some stitches, but she didn't lose the eye.

[Which, from his inflection, sounds like it was completely possible and luckily avoided.]

Jesus...

[ Sweeney can't see Will rubbing his eyes in frustration, but he can hear the sigh that follows it. ]

I'm glad she didn't lose an eye, but- damn, what an escalation.

You mean for a punch that didn't even leave him with a bloody nose?

[His tone is dry in the rhetorical question.]

She isn't gonna be as easy as Neal.

[Obviously. Not that he expects Will to do anything about it, other than be aware.]

[ Will lets out another sigh. ]

I don't think most of us are a walk in the park, to be honest. But Kiki's certainly a lot more violent than Neal.

[Sweeney sounds unconvinced they are similar.]

Violent, volatile, an' highly motivated ta get what she wants.

[He pauses long enough to wet his lip.]

Tried ta get me cited with Maggie fer stayin' out too late an' smokin'.

[If that says anything.]

[ Will raises his eyebrows disbelievingly and shakes his head. ]

She certainly has a lot of authority-worship to work on.

Although...that motivation might actually work out in her favor, if Malcolm can twist it towards graduating, and not unnecessary revenge for her superiors.

...is there anything I could do for Laura that won't get taken the wrong way, you think?

[Will's observation only puts the salt in the wound of Truth; in all likelihood, Malcolm will get Kikimora through without much effort at all. Give her a project, a gold star...she'll be done in a couple of months. Maybe less. The idea makes him wander for a moment, and he has to focus himself back to answer the next question. It takes him a few seconds to decide on one.]

How the two'a you doin' b'fore this?

[He's just looking to make a more informed assessment.]

[ Will laughs, rather mirthlessly. ]

That's the thing...I have no idea, really. I guess, like we were in Seattle?

[ By which he means they'd had awkward interactions, but were fond of each other. Connected by Harkin, at least until Addy had left. Will still feels a little resentful about that, but that wasn't even this reality, so he knows he shouldn't. ]

I'm still not used to...having to keep track of anything more than 'hates me' or 'does not hate me.' I don't think she likes me like she likes you, but I know it's- there's a lot between you two. Good and bad.

[That is a gross understatement, even though it is completely accurate.]

Trust me, Pup; if you don't wanna fuck her, ya don't want her ta like you like she likes me.

[One of the smallest factors, but one that's true enough.]

But she dunn't hate you. That one would be an easy tell.

[Which comes back to the initial query.]

She know 'bout you an' Malcolm?

She asked me about it when I contacted her, after the party.

I'd...taken the wrong approach, made her think I was accusing her or getting ready to lecture her. So, she wasn't exactly happy to have her guess confirmed.

I ain't gonna lie. You bein' with him, as bound as ya are, it's gonna do ya disservice when it comes ta Malcolm havin' folk that don't like him.

[It would with Sweeney if they weren't already brothers.]

E'en when yer just tryin' ta help, wouldn't be surprised if folk see it as you doin' damage control fer him. [He's quick to add:] Not sayin' ya shouldn't try. Same as I do with her.

[The pause is brief, but noticeable.]

Same as I got no doubt folk assume with me an' her, e'en if I'm just tryin' ta do my part in makin' things right.

[Sweeney's not that stupid.]

Hmm. You're right. It's going to look how it's going to look. Not much to be done about that, other than doing what I would've anyway.

[ And oddly enough, that makes him feel a little better. ]

Thanks. And I'm glad she doesn't hate me, at least.

[A smile softens his voice.]

Pup, I'd fight hellfire ta see she dunn't hate you. I can't promise what the future might hold in the realm of good an' ill between you, but I ain't lettin' come ta that level of passion if there's a breath in me that can stop it.

[ He smiles, too. ]

I appreciate it. Hopefully I can handle my own self and not make an ass of myself with her. But I can't say I have the greatest success rate with that, either, so thanks for the support.

Course. [Half a beat passes.]

Ain't like I've done great with Malcolm. But I'm tryin'. Really.

Eh. I do know Malcolm's a rough one to get along with. His emotions come out kind of skewed from what people are expecting. And so he gets understandably misinterpreted a lot.

If it helps any, he's hoping to be on good terms with you, too.

Yeah. Ne'er much doubted that, at least if I'm takin' him at his word. He's always been big on reaffirmin' he's got an open hand out. I'm just tryin' ta get there. 'pparently, my tone is shit, so I f'gure I should work on that b'fore I get ta focusin' on anythin' too big.

[There's the sense he's committed to the effort. At least, it's something smaller and more concrete to see success and failure, which always helps him.]

A lot of people don't think he's being honest about that, so I appreciate you giving it a try. But his tone isn't anything to write home about- not sure how great a judge he is for that.

Problem is, that sorta shit is subjective as fuck. An' if I'm tryin' ta help him, an' he takes it as me talkin' down ta him, there ain't no point in my tryin' ta help, ya know?

I don't know what else to do.

I'm really trying

Really

I just

Why can't I get this right?

I fucking suck at this.

At what, the new Speakeasy rule? I think it's going well.

It's a compromise, which means no one's going to be totally happy about it. But you're explaining things well, and you've been really responsible with the whole thing. You're going above and beyond what effort I would've given it.

I'm trying so hard

For you

Because he's important

To you

All I want is to do right by you and it doesn't fucking matter

Cause I fucking suck at this

I'm never going to get it right

I found a peaceful solution

I was careful with my tone

At least I thought I was

I tried so fucking hard

I really did

I promise

Harkin, I see that. And you don't suck at it. And it does matter, okay? That you try. But you don't have to get Malcolm. Most people don't.

I don't think he was trying to be combative, but I also know his tone can come across poorly. And if you fight, you fight. I'm not going to hate you for that. Please understand that.

It's okay. You're doing right by me. You always do.

You want to come over? You sound like you need more dogs.

No

Not safe

To come

[A breath's pause.]

I asked for help

I did!

I degraded myself publicly and asked for fucking help

Why wouldn't he do that?

Why did he have to be such a cunt when I was trying so hard to not be a cunt?

I asked

More than once

Walked him through it

Tried

I thought

Fuck

I dunno

Fuck

Nevermind

[Another breath.]

Don't come

I'm not safe to be around

You sound like you're having an attack, panic or otherwise.

I'm going to come check on you, I'm sorry. I'll give you some time first.

But know you're not alone. And I don't want you to break yourself apart trying to please me. I'll still be your brother, no matter what.

[It takes him a few moments to answer.]

It's fine

I just

It's fine

Don't come

Laters ok

I'll ping you

Later

It's fine

[ He'd try to give advice to try visualization and breathing exercises, but Will doesn't know if that would even help. Maybe he'll check on that when things are calmer. ]

It's not fine. I'll do what I can to help you through it.

But ok. I'll come later.

Thanks

I know

I'm bad

But you make me want to be better

I'm trying

Means a lot

You understanding

[ He waits about an hour before he can't stand it anymore and heads to Sweeney's cabin. Unfortunately, the guy's not there. That's...probably good, though, right? Maybe Maggie got to him. Maybe Laura?

He waits another half an hour before finally sending another text. ]

Hey, where are you? Are you all right?

[It takes him almost a full minute to reply.]

Alright

I'm alright

Safe

Don't worry

You're still welcome to come by. Always are.

Are you with someone?

Yeah

Nyx

Glad to hear it.

Take care of yourself, okay? I know it's cheesy, but I love you. I don't want you to hurt. Definitely not on my account.

I'll stop pestering you for now, though.

[Well over a minute passes.]

I'll try

[ from here ]

Something in between you and the other person gets lost in translation. Was it like this at home for you, too?

I guess so. I almost never had any friends. Even when I did have friends they seemed annoyed a lot of the time.

And I don't have to ask if you had misconceptions spread about you at home. Just like me, there, but with that extra hint of being the one most wronged in any scenario.

I'm sorry, Malcolm. You can always talk things out with me here, at least. And I think Shaw understands you better now, too. And maybe the rest doesn't matter, so much.

…I got in an argument with Raylan. I’m still going to see him. I need to talk to him. Francis is always kind to me. And Kiryu. And John Doe. I told you this place is better than home.

Undoubtedly.

[ For people like them, at least. Okay, enough moping about not having good advice or a helpful perspective. Compared to his life at home? Everything's going pretty good here. ]

God, I've been around too many people lately. Maybe once things settle down we can go to the Enclosure for a day trip. Take the dogs and find some nature. Maybe my house in Wolf Trap, if you'd be interested.

[You definitely know how to distract him, Will.]

Your cabin back home? Yes, please! …I still owe you a crime scene. Maybe next week after we decompress from… all this.

Sorry. If I made it harder for you. Or. More demanding on you.

[ If he'd been doing better himself, he would've figured out a distraction earlier.

The apology warms his heart. Not many people ever apologized to Will in his lifetime. ]

Thank you. But I do like your big feelings. It's more the number of people who are all feeling very contradictory things, that makes it tougher to handle. I'd rather people don't lie, though, to themselves or others. So, I'll take this instead.

My cabin back home isn't that exciting. It's mostly a few more rooms that I don't use, and a standard kitchen. But the fields are nice. Very good for running, if you'd want to try that with the dogs.

Oh, do you u.... oh, you mean with the dogs. Like. As a dog. I'm not used to that yet.

[ Will chuckles. ]

I'm sure it'll take a while. Yes, that's what I meant. It's an option, if it sounds enjoyable to you.

Edited 2023-07-20 20:07 (UTC)

As long as we don’t have to kill any animals.

Not at all. Just a nice time in the woods, with a convenient house nearby.

That was pretty rough on you, huh? The moose?

I feel like I can still taste it.

Yeah. I know how much you've avoided hunting for a kill.

I think it’s supposed to be different as a wolf but… it’s kind of… not, exactly.

How did it feel, doing that?

And if you need more time to process, don't feel like you need to answer. But I know what it'd be like for me.

…You do? What would it be like?

For a moose? It'd feel kind of...like a waste of life. The chase would be fun, but the eating, maybe less so. But I don't know about how your taste changes, or pack dynamics. I could see there being a rush all working together to take down something much larger.

Now, if we're talking about a person, someone who deserves a downfall, that's a different story. The last couple of times I did that, it was a blissful experience.

But the first time was terrifying. I felt stained. Guilty. Because I knew I shouldn't enjoy it, and I did anyway.

You’re not a bad person. [He’s sure of that. So what does that mean?] …Do you ever worry about the line getting blurrier and blurrier about what constitutes someone ‘deserving a downfall’?

[ 'Repeat it enough times and maybe it'll be true' he thinks, but does not say. He treasures Malcolm's belief in him, even if it might be misplaced. It makes him want to be more careful. ]

...back home I did. Because the only one I would've had with me would've been Hannibal, and he doesn't- he didn't care about that. It was all aesthetics to him. Honestly? That's why I decided to take him with me off that cliff.

Here is a different matter. People are constantly asking questions to reaffirm our feelings. And- I accomplished what I wanted back home. I don't think anyone less horrible would've felt so satisfying. Taking that power back for me was important.

Were you considering just jumping?

Never. Whatever happened with me and Hannibal, it was going to be together. I'd planned it out that way.

Besides, I'd promised him a reckoning.

You had to kill him because he killed you?

Because he made me think I had killed Abigail. Because he tried to make it my fault when he killed Abigail himself.

Because he left a man broken and folded into the shape of a heart as a love letter to me, and because I understood that.

Because he changed me and I didn't get a say in it until after the process was in motion.

There were a lot of reasons.

Do you miss who you used to be?

I never knew who that was. I spent that time of my life without a sense of identity. Hell, half of my life I barely understood the concept.

I don't know if I would've eventually...coalesced on my own. Honestly? I doubt it.

Do you like who you are now?

I do. I like it very much.

...maybe I shouldn't. Maybe that's why I'm an inmate here? But things finally make some sense. I finally make some sense. And I know where I fit in the world.

I like who you are.

[ He's quiet for a moment because he's too busy smiling. ]

Thank you. It's been confirmation that I'm...settled, as a person. Knowing that you do.

I like who you are, too. Love it, even, you could say.

You always make me smile, no matter how bad I started out feeling.

Let me know if Sweeney is okay. He hung up on me when I told him I’m concerned about him. I love you. I’ll see you tonight.

I'm glad. And I will.

Love you, too. I'll see you later.

[ Right after this]

Malcolm steps out of the elevator and beelines to Will’s door, his knock urgent.

Will was reading, but he knows that knock. He sets the book- Clinical Veterinary Advisor: Birds and Exotic Pets- down and shifts Winston off his lap, heading for the door immediately.

"Hi," he says, on opening the door. He tugs it open wider to offer Malcolm a quick escape into his cabin. "What happened?"

He ducks inside, but doesn’t go far. One of his hands absently squeezes the other, but he’s sort of waiting for Will’s arms to be done closing the door so he can throw himself into them. In the meantime, he’s fidgety. Almost squirmy.

“Has something happened to Shaw? Is she being weird with you too?”

Will closes the door quickly and does, indeed, move to hug him immediately. Malcolm clearly needs it.

So his words are slightly muffled as he responds. "Shaw? There was the coma, and she's had a rough time before that. Why? What'd she say to you?"

Malcolm all but melts into him. Will Graham: better than xanax.

“She started off, like, interrogating me about our sex life and stuff and then when I set boundaries there she said she was trying to get to know me.”

Will makes sure Malcolm has properly settled into the hug before he responds. It gives him time to think over that somewhat cryptic response. He is reminded of when she'd recently awakened, though.

He takes a little time to tug Malcolm back to the couch. "Was it our sex life, or our relationship in general and then it moved in that direction?" He'll just address that one first.

He considers that.

“A lot happened in a short time,” he says, attempting to unravel it as they sit. “She wanted to know if I was in counselling with anyone ‘other than’ you, which, you’re not even a counsellor. I swear I told her like six different times that I do talk to other people. And she told me we’re going too fast and she wants me to ‘pump the breaks’ and I told her I don’t even know how. Every time I didn’t think it was appropriate to discuss something with her, she got upset and said I had to, basically, give her slack because she was ‘trying’, which is what Sweeney has been doing a lot lately too…” He lifts his head to look at Will. “Please tell them to stop.”

Will puts his arm around Malcolm's shoulders as they sit, and Winston jumps on the couch and lays his head on Malcolm's lap. He's been a little more cuddly and aware of Malcolm since the wolf change. The other two needed more coaxing.

Malcolm's request is honestly kind of adorable, but Will can tell that he's feeling extremely vulnerable. So he cups Malcolm's face and brushes over his cheek lightly with a thumb. Comforting gestures. "I'll talk to Harkin, okay? I don't know if I can get Shaw to stop. It's part of her job. It's my fault, really- it's my relationship baggage she's trying to sort through. She pegged us as vulnerable to codependent tendencies not long ago, and...she's not wrong."

He leans over and kisses Malcolm's forehead. "We just have to be careful, that's all that means."

"I told her we can't pretend we don't feel what we feel because we can both tell anyway." He pauses. "Careful how?"

He's not sure if Will means actual possible relationship pitfalls or what being careful of those means doing or if he just means careful around Shaw.

Will is deeply, desperately tempted for it to be the latter, just so he can keep some of this for himself. He reminds himself that he's not giving up everything for scrutiny, just enough to appease Shaw. Enough to make sure he isn't twisting things in a way that'll hurt Malcolm. He doesn't have to get Malcolm involved in that sort of carefulness, too.

"Careful that I'm not isolating you, that I'm not losing myself to you or vice versa. Careful in that we at least consider an outside perspective on our relationship. Even if...I don't think anyone else is going to fully understand it."

Malcolm smiles softly at that last part. The most enchanting thing about this is being seen and still accepted. More than accepted. Seen and still sought. He thinks maybe people can understand that much but they can't understand how far into their cores it goes in their case.

"Well... we still have our own friends that we still spend time with. See? This is the safest place to gauge that, because we have friends to use as a metric."

He scratches Winston's head absently.

"I don't mind Shaw being nosy in the interest of her duty to you. It's just... she was doing the thing that Sweeney's been doing where she had a meltdown every time I disagreed with her or misunderstood her. That's the part I want them to stop. I talked to both of them before I even met you. I just want them to be normal about it."

He takes Will hand and presses a kiss inside his wrist.

"I told her you were staying over more because she implied she wanted me to be more... wardeny in my thinking and I thought she would appreciate a heads up about where you'd be spending a lot of time. And then I thought... she seems the type to maybe help herself to your space if she wants to check in, so I added that she should knock, though. She asked if I was bragging. You know. About having all the sex all the time. I was like... you just asked me to be Wardeny about this; why can't you see the context?"

Will listens, and it makes more sense the more Malcolm relaxes and the more specifics he goes into. And he can't help but be extremely charmed by the kiss to his wrist. He closes his eyes so he can savor the feeling more, a content smile on his face.

He nods a little as Malcolm finishes talking. "I'm starting to think we should all three of us spend more time together, now that I don't have to worry about your feelings for Shaw interfering with my feelings for you. You- neither of you- interact with people in a 'normal' way. You both are coming from opposite ends of the emotional spectrum, and it puts your communication at odds."

He sits up just a little to face Malcolm a bit more. "Shaw is used to putting in more effort to try and interpret facial expressions and movements as other people's emotions about something. You have that with no effort, but you also communicate with a strong emotional component. You don't hide yours like I got used to." The fond look on his face makes it clear he appreciates that. "But Shaw is always looking for the subtext she might be missing, and there just...isn't any, from you. You would've said it out loud, if you wanted to brag. Right?"

"Yes, thank you! I would have bragged if I wanted to brag. Like. 'By the way, guess how much sex I'm having? A lot'," he demonstrates with earnest. He frowns faintly. "She started trying to get me to explain why I... say what I say and stuff and I asked her to call you and she said no. I think it would have been less painful. I wanted to bring you in. We need... training wheels."

Will half-hides his amusement at Malcolm's example. He doesn't mind it at all. But he does settle down as Malcolm frowns.

"You might. But I can understand her trying to get your separate perspective on our relationship while I'm not there to influence it. You and her just bounce off each other like rubber balls. It might help if you both stopped inferring anything from tone or body language and went purely off of the words you say to each other. If you both trust that the other will be honest- and you both are remarkably honest- you'd both have an easier time of it."

But that's as much advice as he's going to give. He rubs Malcolm's shoulder and asks, somewhat more gently, "What was painful about it?"

"That's what I did," he promises. "But she assumes I'm reading into things even when I'm not and she doesn't believe what I tell her... it wasn't about our relationship anymore, by the time I asked for you. It had gone into... everywhere. But that wasn't the worst, really. She kept insisting that I should ask her questions, too, and she'd answer honestly. So... I asked her if she told Eiffel that what he said to me at the Lestat meeting was out of line. The short version is that she didn't and she thinks it's fine because he thought he was protecting Neal, even though he actually wasn't and then she thought equating what Laura and Eiffel did with what Lestat did was 'over the top' and I was trying to leave but the elevator wouldn't come fast enough and I asked her what the threshold of harm was, in her view, for hurting someone just to hurt them to be unacceptable and all she said was that Lestat bled me so badly that I almost passed out and redirected the conversation to whether or not I actually did pass out but all I could think was that.... that wasn't really an answer. Or else the bar is basically death and she didn't want to say it outright."

Will's frown deepens as Malcolm continues, and it comes down to that damn meeting again. And hearing what Shaw thought makes him huff out a breath and bite his lip. He's going to have to ask about that. About a lot of this.

But for now, he pulls Malcolm into another hug, careful of Winston as he does so. He kisses the side of Malcolm's head and then gives him a gentle kiss on the lips. "I'm sorry," he says, because someone should. "Feels like a damn junior high here sometimes. A junior high with murderers. Just our luck, huh?"

And with that context, he adds gently, "I'll talk to her, okay? About this."

“I wish I could handle this without that, but. I think it’s pretty clear that I can’t. She wants to build understanding between us and I told her important emotional work can’t be done all at once or by force. So… for the next one… I think you should be there. I’d like it if you could be there,” Malcolm tells him. “I think we’ll get farther if you can be there at first.”

"Okay," Will says, shifting back to hug Malcolm's shoulders from the side. "I think that's a good idea. Maybe actually schedule it beforehand? I don't mind treating her like a couples' counselor." He snorts at the thought, though. "Or maybe more like a parole officer, checking in on whether I'm committing love crimes."

He leans his head up against Malcolm's. "My...position has made it so you're getting invasive questions on your private life- as if we didn't have enough issues coming into this. I apologize. I can only hope I'll be worth it, as time goes on."

"I didn't mind those ones so much. ...Maybe next time, I'll brag," he teases with a grin, closing his eyes to focus on the warmth of being snuggled up there. His expression grows serious again, though he doesn't open his eyes. "The only one I didn't want to answer - and didn't at all - was the demand to know all the future plans we've talked about. I don't want to tell her we're going to get our own ship and go anywhere. She'll be like... I knew it! You're going to isolate yourselves on a ship! But, really, if we get the kind of ship we want, we'll be able to visit anyone, any time we want. No matter where they go after this. I think it'll make us more social than if we just have them drop us in one world or another." There's a pause. "Do you think living on a space boat will be like when you lived on a houseboat?"

"Might be something like it," Will replies with a smile. It's a nice thought, just docking in different worlds whenever they want to settle for a bit, staying in the spots they like. "Although hopefully the engine'll break down less."

The plan still makes him feel warm and content inside. He'd never felt entirely comfortable in a house, not even his place in Wolf Trap. He didn't know what to do with it, other than exist inside it. His dogs were what made it home. He'd never felt the need to set roots down.

He squeezes Malcolm's shoulder before addressing his worry. "I don't think Shaw would hate the idea, by the way. Especially if I explain why I want to do it this way. That I want to see new things and help people, and I don't want to lose track of anyone I've gotten close to here. She'd understand that." He closes his eyes, briefly, and imagines it. "It'd let me help her out, too- she...actually offered to take me back to her world, after graduation. If I wanted. She thought I'd work well with her team."

“Even if I thought she’d take it well - and she rarely takes things well when I say them - I didn’t think it was fair to ask me that behind your back,” Malcolm tells him. “It’s ours.”

Will can't help it- that makes him grin with delight. "It is. But I don't mind telling her if you you're all right with it. It'll keep being ours." Maybe he'll just leave off the part of wanting to solve people's problems via violent murder. "Do you know what you'd want it to look like? We could probably ask for anything."

Edited 2023-07-29 00:50 (UTC)

"I don't mind what the outside looks like. I just want it to be... kind of open concept inside. Like my apartment. ...I have claustrophobia," Malcolm says. "But not too big. Cozy."

"Your loft's style. Open, with plenty of space to put souvenirs," Will notes, mildly paraphrasing. "Might feel a little empty for our first couple of trips, but we'll fill it up. The outside should be something we could hide...a vehicle might be too anachronistic. Like a tree? Or maybe just a door. I don't know, I'll have to think on that one. Oh- a sort-of Enclosure-like open space for the dogs, maybe. In case we need to keep them in."

He'd meant for it to just be a mild distraction, but it's fun to think about. A home for both of them. Something that feels appropriate.

"Just a door? Can it be just a door? ...But then it'd have to be bigger on the inside," Malcolm says with a giggle.

"I don't think the Admiral has too many problems with non-Euclidean space. He could probably manage that. Especially if we're traveling between dimensions," Will says, with an amused grin. "Don't you think?"

Malcolm smiles broadly and snuggles closer against his side.

“Look out, multiverse.”

"Mmmmm," hums Will, in an agreement full of contentment. "And until we get that set up, we'll be riding on this big boat. Not too many people seem to like it like we do, I've noticed."

That's not to say that Will hasn't been frustrated by it, or messed up by a thing or two. But compared to home, this place is great. Besides, it's the people that he's had problems with, mostly.

"Iris understands. She might be the only one."

“I’ve noticed that,” Malcolm agrees. He pauses, then opens his eyes and tilts his head to look up at Will. “I did tell Shaw that I won’t give you up. I won’t.”

Will smiles down at Malcolm. "I won't give you up, either. Never. If that's something I have to do to graduate, then this whole system isn't what we thought it was."

And they'd figure out some other way to get him out of there, then. "But that's not the impression I've gotten from this place."

"Me either," Malcolm agrees, settling back against Will's shoulder. "Love is something, existentially, the Admiral seems to want people to have more of.'

"Sure seems that way. Especially with all the couples and...more there end up being around here." Will seems almost amused by that.

"And considering some of the inmates, there might be more of a focus on recovery than pure 'rehabilitation'. Learning to care for yourself again, that sort of thing. There's no way cutting people off is going to be part of that."

“Exactly. People who’ve lost love or are unloved, people who are isolated, people who haven’t experienced real connection with others or affection… they’re the ones that turn to violence and antisocial behaviour, statistically,” Malcolm notes.

"And the curse passes on," Will replies, in far less analytical fashion. "It does seem like this place is focused on turning it all the opposite way. Even for the wardens, sometimes."

He hums thoughtfully, before continuing on. "Shaw talked to me about that, too. The relationship things. She thought the whole reason I'm here is because of relationship issues, and- after I thought about it a minute, I think she might be right. I've never actually interacted with people in a normal way. And here all my coping mechanisms have been taken away. I feel like I'm...stumbling in the dark, sometimes."

"Maybe you just need to be where people don't expect normal from you," Malcolm tells him. "Maybe that will give you the space to work out who you are. And who you aren't," he suggests.

"I feel like I know who I am, but- that's not acceptable for graduation, for some reason."

He heaves a sigh that's intended to be overdramatic, then smiles wanly at Malcolm. "I'm hoping I'm merely missing something, perhaps small but important. And once it clicks, I'll breeze through. That seems to happen every so often."

"If a relationship thing is your problem... I don't think it's how you do relationships. Hannibal corrupted you. On purpose. I know how complicated it can be, but... there's something of his still in there," Malcolm says, wiggling his fingers at Will's temple. "I know. I have it, too. The... voice that... whispers. Do you always know where it ends and yours starts?"

That gets a real frown from Will as he thinks about how to answer. "No," he answers honestly. "It's not a voice, not a whisper, it's a...a symphony. I don't know if there is a way to separate our thoughts out, not anymore. The melding was strong and complete. So if that's it- well, I'm not sure what I can do."

He has a look of real concentration on his face. He's taking the idea seriously, but he's sort of at a loss.

"The Admiral wouldn't give you a goal that you can't accomplish," Malcolm tells him. "If there's no way to... purge him, then that's not the problem," he concludes simply.

"Hmm." Will still seems troubled. "I do wish I could give you a better answer than that. Something more reassuring. Something that indicates I'm...making progress, of some sort."

"You... don't have to demonstrate progress for me. I mean. I'd like to help if I can but... I don't need you to be Making Progress, as long as you're not going to... jump over the side or something. Sometimes people don't even figure out what their progress looks like and then bam! They graduate. So. I think you're doing fine. Besides, we don't know that you being here really has anything to do with Hannibal. Maybe it's about learning to say no to things that are harmful to you. Without.... jumping off a cliff with them."

"What, that's not the usual method of setting boundaries?" Will replies, giving Malcolm a wry smile. It shifts into something fonder and more genuine, however, as he leans his head against Malcolm's.

"You have a point. I'd rather not take too long and- ruin all our plans, that's all. I have a real reason to stick around now." For the first few months he was here, it was just extra time, icing on a cake. But he's invested now.

“Love will save the day?”

His fingers fidget absently at the front of Will’s shirt.

“We can take all the time you need here. But I think you are making progress. You found a real reason to stick around already,” he suggests with a grin.

Ah, this is nice. Will is glad to hear that Malcolm thinks he's making progress- and clearly, Malcolm really thinks so. And Will hates to ruin it, even partially, but--

"Mmmhmm. But you know that inmates don't always graduate, right? And the amount of time we have is also a mystery? I'd like to think I'd have years of the Admiral's patience, but I can't say that for sure."

Harkin can make himself sick with that worry. Will isn't as concerned, but- it's something to consider. It's why he wants to be on the Warden side quickly.

Malcolm sits up to look at him properly.

“He wouldn’t disappear someone redeemable just… like that. You’re working on it!”

He doesn’t sound entirely convinced, but he does sound adamant all the same.

He can’t just lose Will to another dimension. He can’t.

Will's mouth twists a little, as he regrets the words just as much as he figured he would. He reaches forward to put his hands on both of Malcolm's shoulders, steadying him.

"I am," Will confirms. "But that's why I don't rest on my laurels and consider it progress. It's why I want to make sure I'm working with Shaw and letting you know how it's going. It's why I'm listening out for what makes people fade from here- sounds like it's a lack of connections." So he really doesn't want to disconnect himself from the others on this ship, if only for that reason alone.

"I used to be satisfied with my end on that cliffside. I'm not, anymore. We both deserve our trips. We deserve a home where we feel safe." He leans forward and kisses Malcolm gently on the lips. "And we deserve to know the intricacies of love, every twist and bend and fold. I won't let anything take it from us." His eyes shine with determination. He's going to make this work.

That he believes. He smiles in the wake of the kiss.

“Lack of connections. Well. We can’t let that happen.” He kisses Will this time. “So… you’ve got Shaw and me. Sweeney. Who else are you close to?”

"Uhh." Oh no, what has he brought upon himself? This seems like a tough challenge. But as he thinks, he's finding he can come up with people. "Iris, definitely. And Sheehan. Anyone else is more of an acquaintance or friendly or...I'm not sure where we stand anymore. Reid, Laura, Yunlan, Raylan...Sebastian, Kirei, Kiryu..."

He rubs face, looking suddenly a lot less confident and a lot more like a rumpled cat. That was everyone, right? "Surely that's enough. Don't you think?"

“Yeah; it’s tons. Good job!” He pauses. “…Is Laura on the second list because of the thing at the party?”

Will chuckles at the 'good job,' wondering if he'll get a gold star after managing to collect fifteen people he doesn't hate.

But the question has his attention moving on. "That and the talk we had afterward. I mean, we came through it okay? But it was skirting some of the same things that fell apart for me back home. And all of those people could hit that point pretty easily."

Will's not sure why he's taking it any differently now than he used to. No expectations lead to less disappointment, and he knows that. So he shrugs.

Malcolm looks concerned, but it's for him, for his heart, not his checklist.

"What things? What things did it skirt?" he asks, fingers drifting restlessly across the front of his shoulder.

He doesn't think Will is really the one making things difficult; he's the one with a record of making things difficult here but he never wanted to make things difficult for Will.

Will's eyes look down at a worn-down patch of his couch. The last thing he wants is more confrontation between Laura and Malcolm- so he does his best to keep it vague. "It's the crunch of gears not fitting together properly. The moment when they realize that they don't know me as well as they thought. And that means I've betrayed them, or left them, or...I really am unstable." What a surprise, the roll of his eyes says.

He shakes his head. "It didn't get that far with Addy, but I could see hints of it. I guess I'm just trying to prepare for the turn."

"I know what's that's like," Malcolm acknowledges. "But... maybe it wasn't that. Maybe she just was surprised that you like me when the prevailing opinion she's encountered on the Barge is... otherwise. Maybe she's fine now, if that's passed."

Hey. You're cleared for magic as long as Hunter or me is in the room. Won't work otherwise, but if one of us is there, no limits.

How was the breach?

Shaw?

[ He sounds confused. There's a short pause on the line. ]

I'm...uh, still recovering. What was that about magic? Why not Iris?

... Because the magic's from Hunter?

But...

Oh...right. Iris is an alien, not a witch. Right.

[ Will breathes out laughter at himself. ]

She was going to teach me magic, back in the Land. The breach. Is she a werewolf here?

Yeah. As far as I know.

You're not doing so great either, huh.

I didn't die, and I didn't eat anyone this time, so. Better than last time.

I should've warned you. Sorry if I didn't. Everything's mixed together...gonna take a while to sort out.

How was it for you?

You did warn me, but I'm not weirded out.

I was a dwarf. I was, uh-- I don't know. I had a brother.

Oh, good. I couldn't remember.

A dwarf? At least you weren't working for the Company. Should I ask who your brother was?

B. I guess it's, uh-- always easier when it's somebody you already know and like.

Mmm. That's better than it could be, at least.

I was a journalist. Wanted to blow the whole story on Chesney wide open. But I got caught before I got out of there.

I didn't really have any close family, but...uh. I didn't have the empathy condition, either.

And you wanted to learn magic in both worlds.

What was it like being without it?

[ His voice grows bitter as he answers. ] I wanted to learn magic to overthrow Chesney. They'd dumped me in the Dark Army with the convicts, and I had to fight my way out. I was done worrying about appeasing public opinion after that.

But here- it's. I didn't know how quiet my mind was. Even the parts of my cabin that I just left feel like they're yelling at me. I'm a little scared to head out into the rest of the Barge.

It'll be fine. I just...need to adjust. Get used to headaches again.

I'll bring you food. You need anything else?

Thanks. Could you walk the dogs for a day or two? I think Jax was with--

Oh, hell. Jasper's going to be a mess. Harkin...my brother.

You want me to bring 'em all to my place for a while, or do you want to keep them at yours? Uh-- Jet is still at my place right now, actually.

[Oops??]

That's fine. Jet's good with you. And Jax...honestly, he might help Harkin out, too. But I'll check in on them.

Just figured that they might want some exercise while I'm out of commission.

I can do that. I'm a bad person to help you check up on Sweeney, though.

No, I wouldn't suggest it. Hold off on Jax until we know what's up with him. I trust any of Hark's incarnations with a dog.

I met him, during the Breach. Name's Jasper, he's magical, lots of family. That's going to be tough coming back to this. Remembering the curse...all of that.

He might not want to be around people for awhile, anyway. Hopefully, he'll still let me in.

Speaking as someone who has, uh. Too much in common with him to get along with him.

If he doesn't let you in, it's not because of you. It doesn't mean you're not a good enough friend, or brother figure, or... whatever you are.

I know. I do know that.

But sometimes it's better to hear it from someone else, too. So...thanks. I should be able to keep a handle on my feelings until he's through the worst of it.

-- Okay, sidelining yourself to take care of him isn't ideal, either.

...well, I- if he doesn't know who I am, I'm not going to hold it against him. It's not his fault.

And as we talked about...apparently not too long ago, I can get possessive. So count this as me trying not to do that.

I'm not asking you to hold anything against him. Just take care of you, too. Or maybe I misunderstood the kinds of feelings you were talking about; I dunno.

I just don't want to lose him as a brother. That's all.

...if I start having a rough time, I'll tell you about it. How about that? At least get it off my chest.

Okay.

He adores you. You're not going to lose him.

Thanks...I'll hold onto that.

Yeah.

You want me to let you go now?

[ He takes a moment to think that over. ]

Yes, probably for the best. Maybe I'll feel more like myself the next time I see you.

Back at you.

But just so we're clear, it's fine if you're not.

Same here.

See you later, Shaw.

[As soon as he's down the hall a little ways after this conversation, Neal calls Will. He doesn't know if Malcolm is going to do it or if he's going to force himself to stew in his own anxiety for a bit first as personal punishment for whatever he thinks he did wrong.

Tiredly:]

Hey. Are you free?

Neal?

Hi. Yeah, I'm free.

[ Whaaat is going on? ]

[He keeps his tone as neutral as possible.] Can you go to Malcolm's? We had a conversation that wasn't exactly easy for either one of us and I don't... I can't stay, but I don't want him to be alone.

Oh- of course. I'll head over there now.

[ There's the sound of shifting, and walking. ]

Thank you. For letting me know. Are you- okay? You have someone to talk to? I could call Shaw?

I'm fine. [He says it quickly, firmly, not unfriendly, but definitely final.] Thank you, though.

Okay. [ Will's not going to push. ]

All right. Thanks for the call.

[ Just to reiterate. If Neal doesn't say anything else, he'll hang up there. He doesn't expect Neal wants to linger. ]

Something weird happened that I figure I should tell you about.

[Honey, he already knows.]

Is this about Root? I talked to her.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I'm happy for you. I was hoping she'd show up here someday. Now you've got two chances to get her back home.

I want you to know that I'm not going to let it interfere with my wardening duties.

I wasn't worried. I know you're not.

Okay. Did you... have a good talk? And we're on for drinks with Caffrey, by the way. When we're feeling up for it.

Sure, although we didn't talk much. I like her- figured I would.

Drinks anytime are fine with me. Just let me know when you want to get together.

My head's still kind of off because of the breach, and, uh--

[This.]

But I can keep it together if you're ready now.

We can wait until you're more settled. It's not exactly an urgent task, and I'm not at one hundred percent, myself. I'm still catching myself by surprise sometimes.

Same here. B said I shouldn't worry about him trying to call me his sister, and my first thought was that I wouldn't mind it if he did; my head's definitely not screwed on straight.

Do you not like the idea of being someone's sister? Or is it just- you're trying to stay firmly planted in this reality?

The second. I don't have anything against having siblings, but I don't have any.

Fair enough. At least that'll fade for you.

Does it for you? I know you and Sweeney have your-- thing, but I've never been sure how deliberate that was.

Not...really. It faded a little since that Breach, but it's mostly still there.

The deliberate part was holding on harder to the brotherly aspects so I could bury the 'being a zombie' parts, as much as possible. Luckily, my brain was literally turning into fungus at the time, so I think that probably helped.

This past Breach I didn't really have any connections to anyone, and I also didn't eat people, so I'm thinking I'll be affected less. I was a journalist, though.

[ Said in the most derogatory way possible. Ew. ]

Not the Lounds type, I hope?

[ Will groans. ]

She was my coworker. Not for Tattlecrime, thankfully. But still.

I was trying to do an expose on Chesney- almost got out with the relevant info.

Sounds like the kind of journalist that's actually good to have around.

...I was trying to be.

Our lives sucked because of that company. You know what it would've meant for us to see that whole thing blown open? I get that you were probably doing it to help the human tourists, not us, but still.

Thanks. I was there to help everyone, though. I just thought it'd go faster through the people on Earth clamoring for a shutdown.

Not that it matters. I got caught and dumped into the Dark Army. They used mind control magic on us to keep us in line.

[ He sounds extremely satisfied to say: ] I broke it. Joined up with the resistance movement.

You broke the mind control? Look at you, mister mental strength. That's impressive.

Thank you, but it might not have been entirely due to effort on my part. I found out later that I can do magic- could do magic. I'm sure that helped.

Is that gonna make things weird when you start doing magic here?

[ He takes a moment to think about it. ]

No, it was a very different type than the glyphs. Chaos magic- based on the strength of will.

[ It was honestly just his kind of power. A faint smile crosses his face. ]

Learning about the glyphs was more...I want to encourage Harkin on getting what magic he can back. That being said...do you think I could have use of the glyphs when I'm around him, too? Or is that a step too far? I wanted to work on it with him.

I get that he doesn't like me and might not want me hanging around watching, but does he have a problem with Hunter, too?

He might not. But it's not going to be seen as something of worth to him unless he's using it for something practical- like growing things in the greenhouse. Although maybe Hunter would join us for that, too. Practical exercises?

[ He does sigh a bit. ]

If Sweeney can put up with me being there, I can... help plant nonmagically, or whatever. I don't have to stand in the corner looming.

Sure. The lack of looming would probably help. I'll let him know.

[ It's not the outcome he wanted, but he'll accept it. He knew it was a long shot. ]

And...uh, it's after the breach, so....

So he's not going to be doing so hot?

He's not. I've been talking to him. I'm sort of hoping I can help him get his own magic back, eventually. I think it'd help.

But...that's not what I wanted to talk about. I was hoping you could ask for another dog for me.

Oh. Yeah, sure; which one?

Thanks. Let's go for Buster, my Jack Russell terrier.

On it. Tell me when you have him, bring him over to say hi?

Will do. Looking forward to it.

[ The next time Will calls, it's amid a series of barks and yaps, clearly between Winston and another dog. He's been laughing, going by the tone of his voice. ]

Hey, Buster's made it. You available for me to come over? Think we're all...relatively settled here.

Edited 2023-08-09 01:45 (UTC)

Yeah, give me twenty? I just got back from a run with Jet.

[The whole Barge is their obstacle course, and people will likely start to hate them for it eventually.]

And I'm sure he loved that. No problem. I'll be bringing Winston, too.

--------------

[ He arrives more like thirty minutes later. But he has two dogs in tow, regardless. They're both on leashes, thank goodness. He gets them both to sit while he knocks on her door. ]

[And Shaw pops it open shortly, her hair still damp and loose from a quick shower.]

Hey.

[She says, stepping back to let him into the cabin: the new and improved cabin. The cement walls and floors are the same, but the beat-up dresser, little dining table, and plastic picnic chairs have all been swapped out for nicer versions, the floorbed is no more, and there's a couch and a TV over by the windows. Also over by the windows is what looks to be an elevated sleeping loft accessible by ladder. Homey little knick-knacks can be found here and there, and there's a big rug on the floor.

When he spots his new compatriot, Jet lets out a happy bark and bounds over to say hi. Shaw lets him, a tiny little smile playing across her face.]

[ Will's watching them with a smile, too- Buster had tugged himself free of Will's grip to rush over to Jet, and now they're circling each other, sniffing, and wagging their tails. Winston waits for Will to unhook him, and then trots over to join the rest.

It's only after setting Buster free from the leash- and yes, letting him jump up and lick Will's face for a minute, followed by Jet- that Will lets himself look around the room. ]

Wow, nice place. I see Root's made her mark here.

She had a problem with the old set-up, and I didn't mind a change...

[Shaw says, giving a little shrug. She's perfectly happy with the remodel, it's just nothing she would have thought to do for herself. As long as everything is clean and the small number of possessions that she either needs or wants are close at hand, spartan conditions have never been an issue for Shaw.]

Well, you can tell her that I think it looks nice. Not that my interior decorating skills are all that finely honed.

[ After all, his technique was 'I hung a bunch of fishing poles on the wall and called it a day'. ]

How's it been, having her here? She seems to be leaning pretty hard into the domestic so far.

[Shaw snorts in a way that somehow manages to be both derisive and fond, shaking her head.]

She's so full of shit.

[But then she pauses, and adds--]

Actually, I think she really does like cooking. Parading it on the network is for show, though. But, uh, it's--

[It's a lot of things at once; it's hard to put into words. It makes her face falter, a little.]

It's good. And it's nerve-wracking. It being nerve-wracking doesn't make it any less good, but it does make it more complicated.

[ Will smirks at first, because- yeah. Root is definitely trying to play at the sweet and innocent...ish persona right now. He smiles slightly as Shaw continues, even as she falters. ]

Yeah, I'm sure. Suddenly there are a lot more possibilities, and not all of them are positive outcomes. But I'm really glad you've gotten more time with her.

If this is a simulation, tossing her into the mix would be a really good tactic.

[She flicks her gaze away from his, looking off into the middle distance.]

It was easier to just try to think about her as little as possible while I'm here.

[Not better. Not preferable. But easier.]

[ Will nods, because that's a whole set of outcomes he figured she was thinking on. ]

Easier, but not good for you. In my opinion. Even considering your unusual mental/emotional landscape, trauma and grief will pop up in the worst times and places. -especially here, where the ship will just shove it in someone else's face every so often.

But yeah. I can see how introducing her would be helpful to a simulation.

It's not something I should be putting on you.

[But she suspects that he might be able to pick up on the thread of fear that laces through her when she thinks about Root being here, and she doesn't want him to sense that without context.]

[ Will stops petting Winston for a moment and faces Shaw. ]

I appreciate that you're trying to keep me from feeling used or...misused, I guess, is the better term for it. But you're my friend, too. And I am a lot better at enforcing my boundaries than I used to be. So- grant me the ability to set them for myself, please?

I don't think your worries around Root are something you need to keep away from me. I won't feel burdened.

[She pauses, considers, and then nods.]

Okay.

Does that go for Bright and how he keeps trying to get you to be a go-between us, too?

[She figures there's no way he hasn't brought that up with Will.]

[ His smile is one of slight relief. ]

Yes. And I wanted to talk to you about that. Malcolm didn't realize it until I asked, but he was having a...uh, a trauma response to your conversation. It wouldn't hit most people, obviously. But most people don't have a serial killer for a dad, one who's constantly trying to force bonding moments.

It's just something you tripped over, but his fear, his 'running away'- that's where it came from.

I think it's kind of bullshit that he can't handle the same crap he's constantly forcing on other people, but--

[She huffs out a breath.]

Yeah, I get that. But honestly? I was thinking he'd take someone being forceful with him better because he's so forceful with other people. I was trying to speak his language, or whatever.

[ Will's eyes narrow and he frowns. His entire countenance seems to ice over. ]

You know there's a difference, right? Between being annoying or overly enthusiastic and stomping on people's trauma?

Because Malcolm is very good at reading when someone's in that sort of distress and addresses it appropriately. Like he did for Neal in that goddamned meeting about Lestat. And you and Eiffel thought he was wrong for trying to maintain boundaries for Neal.

What you did when Malcolm was in distress and trying to assert boundaries was walk all over them. Follow him, tell him he couldn't handle it. I do understand- you didn't see the signs that he was panicking. But don't tell me that you doing that and Malcolm annoying people with his profiling are the same thing. They're not.

[Shaw turns back around to face him fully, admitting:]

I did see the signs he was panicking. But as for the other stuff-- I can already tell you didn't get an objective retelling of what happened, Will. During my talk with Malcolm, or during the meeting.

[ That first sentence certainly doesn't do a lot to change Will's mind on this. And he will be coming back to that. But the rest? Ugh, he's trying to listen, so he swallows the bile rising in his throat and takes a deep breath. ]

No, I didn't. Because anyone I could talk to was too upset for me to get a real read on the situation. I've been piecing together the whole damn thing since it happened. So tell me- what did I miss?

I didn't follow him, for one thing. And I didn't... object to any boundaries he set for Neal, I told him I understood why Doug got angry with him.

[Shaw pauses for a long moment, her fingers restlessly stroking Jet's head as she studies Will's face.]

I didn't know why he was panicking. I figured he was intimidated by me, and scared that I was going to, I don't know, tell him that I hated him now and I was giving up on trying to talk with him. I was trying to show that I wasn't going to do that, even though, honestly? I kind of wanted to.

[Another, briefer pause.]

Like I said. He struck me as the kind of guy who'd appreciate stubborn persistence. I miscalculated and I messed up.

[ As Shaw continues on, Will's jaw finally starts to relax. And he finally lets out a sigh. ]

He usually does like persistence. But he does have a lot of unusual trauma, and you hit one of his triggers. When he was telling me about the conversation, he was using strong, coercive words to describe how it felt. And he was confused by the change from avoiding personal subjects to asking specifically about them. He also said he didn't think that you wanted it like that either, so he just felt lost. I think...you were both lost.

Okay. [ Another small sigh, or maybe just a deep breath. ] So the rest. Does that mean you didn't follow him as he went to the elevator, as he was trying to disengage?

I stood up. I called after him, he responded, we kept talking for... a while, actually. But no, I didn't follow him.

[She nods at the little table-and-chairs set by the window - a nicer version of the ones she'd had before.]

You wanna sit.

Sure. Thanks.

[ He sits and Buster immediately jumps up into his lap. Will pets him, but his mind is clearly elsewhere. He's calming down now, his eyes blinking rapidly as he sort of 'resets' his emotional landscape. For the moment, any emotional affect has mostly disappeared, and he speaks in near monotone. ]

Second. I've tried not to get too into Neal's...situations, but since it was relevant to Malcolm banging down my door a couple of times, questioning his purpose here- I've heard some things. The boundaries were placed by Neal, Malcolm was merely respecting them. That he didn't want to be the focus of attention when he's having a hard time. That he didn't want to be fussed over. That's hard for Malcolm, as you might imagine, but he did it during that meeting.

Third. How did you tell Malcolm that you understood why Eiffel got angry with him? Because you were just extremely disrespectful about him to me, and I don't imagine you're any different talking directly to him. Add to that the fact that whatever you said could've been misinterpreted anyway, because you both do that.

I didn't bring it up with him or start berating him about it, Will.

[She says this over her shoulder, on her way to the kitchen area to get them something to drink. After a moment's indecision, she decides to just pour each of them a glass of water and a finger of whiskey, so that they'll have Options^TM.]

He insisted on talking about it. Wasn't gonna take no for an answer. He seemed to take it as a given that I should have jumped in to take sides, and that I should have taken his side.

You wanna tell me what I said that was so disrespectful?

...I believe it was a variation on the old standard: 'He can dish it out but he can't take it'. You aren't respecting the life he's led or the trauma he's fought through. You aren't respecting the expertise he has on the subject of trauma, that he knows enough to know the difference between badgering and triggering panic responses. You aren't respecting that there is a difference, even when you noted that he was panicking.

[ He takes a steadying breath and stares down at Buster, who has since curled up on his lap. At least someone's relaxed. Will personally just feels exhausted. This has been sitting in him for a while. ]

I am tired of people thinking he's some...clown that deserves to get hit, both physically and emotionally. And I think it's worn him down, too. He wanted to know why he came out of that meeting as the bad guy, what he did wrong, and no one's been able to give him a satisfactory answer. Honestly, if people need a scapegoat, I'd really prefer they come to me instead.

I don't buy that he always recognizes when he's pushing too hard and backs off. Actually, I know for a fact that he doesn't. I buy that he doesn't do it on purpose, and that he isn't deliberately cruel - but even I've heard from people who've felt pushed to the brink by his needling, and I'm not someone people go around confiding in.

[She brings Will's glasses over first, setting them own on the table in front of him, pushed close enough to the middle that they're out of easy reach of Buster's nose.]

I don't think he deserves to be harmed. I do understand why Eiffel yelled at him, and I gotta be honest, I have a hard time seeing one adult yelling at another as harm, but-- even then, I'm not feeling some weird form of vindication over it or thinking 'Rah rah, Eiffel, Bright deserves what he gets'.

[She leans against the wall a few feet from the table, rather than heading immediately back over to the kitchenette.]

He kicked ass for most of that meeting, you know. He read Reid the riot act long before Eiffel read it to him, and he did a good job. If anyone thinks he's the actual bad guy coming out of that, it's probably Reid, because Bright called him out on his crap. He did a better job than I did.

[ Will's small frown makes it clear he doesn't agree on the 'pushing too hard' thing. He doesn't ask, though, because if Shaw was going to say who it was, she would've done so. And he doesn't want to get blocked on that again.

The rest? Will nods in agreement through her assessment. He even smiles slightly at her talk about Malcolm's achievements at the meeting. So his next question is not accusatory but curious: ]

Did you tell him that?

Yeah. We talked about how full of crap Reid is.

[She notes that frown, though, and pushing off the wall, comes over to bump her hip lightly against Will's chair.]

And as far as the other stuff goes - you can't tell me how important it is not to push Malcolm's limits, but then dismiss other people's concerns about him pushing theirs. I'm-- trying, and I'm gonna try harder. But he needs to work on this, too.

[ Will finally reaches over, grabbing the whiskey and taking a healthy gulp of it. ]

I agree. He has been trying, and he's been hitting a wall. Kind of like you were trying to do with him. That's why I thought I could help between you two. I could catch the bad interpretations before they spiral into something bigger...at least until you both find solid footing.

[ He rubs at his face. ]

And then maybe I can talk to you about what I'm trying to do to help him, and it won't sound so much like I'm....isolating him, or attempting to set up Hannibal 2.0. Or whatever.

I don't think you're trying to do that. I worry about you falling into old patterns, but that doesn't mean I think you want to.

[She does go to get her drinks now, carrying them back to the table, where she sits across from him.]

I do wanna hear about your plans.

[ He looks up at Shaw, openly grateful before vocalizing it. ]

Thank you.

[ Will rubs his chin, thinking of how he wants to put this. ]

Malcolm has managed his conditions related to his trauma, but it's not being actively managed here. Part of that is an arrested emotional development, which I don't think his therapist at home was capable of addressing. Part of it is that he's autistic but hasn't had much help in that area. It's not an 'acceptable' condition for the upper class, probably...and he admittedly had larger issues to work on.

I'm working on getting him to go to therapy here- he respects Kiryu. And I think that brand of fighting it out would work well for him, if he lets himself try it.

You know, I've actually talked to him about that? Trying to get therapy and actual help. He was pretty dismissive of the idea. Is it going better with you?

It's slow, but he's thinking about it. I can't really blame him for being concerned. His therapist at home is a child psychologist and she's the one that got him talking again. He's refused every attempt at her referring him to someone more suited. But when your trust has been betrayed on the level that his father managed....of course you don't trust anyone in an authority position to have your best interest in mind.

Hell, I only folded on the therapy thing because these are not what I consider standard psychiatrists, and they don't force me to undergo standard techniques- techniques that don't work on me at all.

But right now he's not talking his feelings through with anyone other than me...and maybe Neal, I don't know. But I do know I'm not an objective observer, as much as I'd like to be.

Only reason I told you to talk to the guys here was that I knew they wouldn't do that to you.

[She slouches a little in her chair, stretching her legs out.]

It makes me worry less to hear you admit that you're not objective. So, thanks.

[ Will had been staring at the table while they talked. He looks up at Shaw now, his lips curling up into a tired smirk. ]

Objectivity has never been a strength of mine. Took me long enough to even realize what my own opinion was on some things.

Besides, I don't think anyone's objective when it comes to someone they care about. Still- there are far better examples than me.

Hey, avoid the dining hall; there's something really weird going on.

I'm in my cabin right now, I'll stay until I get an all clear. What's happening?

Big reality-defying hole to nowhere.

Oh. Great.

Hope it doesn't get bigger. Let me know if I can help with anything, preferably after the hole's gone. You're all right?

I'm fine, but it looks like a lot of people won't be.

If it hit the dining hall during breakfast...yeah, wouldn't expect that to go well. Are you heading over there?

There already. I'll, uh-- I'll give you the details later, okay?

Yep. Thanks. Be careful, okay?

Yeah.

[She will certainly sort of try!]

Hey. You wanna meet a new dog?

Always. [ No hesitation, even. ]

Whose dog is it? What kind?

My boss's. Or, all of ours, kind of. Belgian Malinois.

Yours? You got Bear?

[ Of course she did, if Root would've liked to see him, too. And Root's clearly a dog lover. Will's laugh is pure happiness. ]

That's great. I'd love to see him. You want me to bring anyone? Jet? How is he with other dogs?

He's met Jet; I've, uh... been borrowing him a lot, actually.

[Sorry for stealing your dog, Will.]

That's probably right, that he met Bear first. [ He sounds amused. ] I never did tell you exactly how I got all my dogs, huh? They're all strays, yeah, but...

All the ones I keep are dogs that weren't good for adopting out. Purebreds with the wrong colors, medical problems, too old...they get a home with me. All except Winston.

[ He was found in special circumstances. ]

Anyway. You spend as much time as you want with Jet. He's really bonded with you.

The hell's wrong with Jet, then? He's perfectly fine.

Jet's too pretty.

-no, really. He kept getting picked up by families with no idea what to do with an active dog, is my guess. Got three strikes from the shelter, returned for chewing on furniture and supposedly nipping at kids.

[ It's clear from his tone that he doesn't believe that. Jet has never been aggressive towards people...well, people who weren't actively trying to murder Will, anyway. ]

I've been taking him on a lot of runs and teaching him military dog commands. So, uh-- thanks. Guess I'm bonded to him, too.

Thought you might be. Good. He's been getting along great, whenever I do see him.

Will you train me on those commands, too? I'll try to keep in line with them.

Come over now and bring Jet, if you want. I'm in my cabin; Bear's here.

Yep. See you soon.

[ He's hardly going to delay, hanging up and arriving with Jet within a couple of minutes. Jet's on a leash- he wouldn't normally be, but it's Will's protocol with meeting new dogs.

When Shaw opens the door for them, she'll get to see the rare sight of Will looking antsy for once. He'd been hoping to meet Bear, but thought it would be a lot longer than this. ]

[Bear sits in the center of the room, alert in a friendly sort of way - his ears are pricked forward, and his tail sweeps across the floor in a slow wag. But he's a good military dog, and so he waits for a signal - one that Shaw gives him once Will and Jet are in and the door is shut behind them.]

Bear, vrij. You doing okay, Graham?

[Bear trots forward towards the visitors, sniffing curiously at Will's legs and Jet's rear.]

[ Will watches Bear as he stands at attention. Once the signal is given, Will crouches down so he greet Bear on his level, giving him a hand to sniff. ]

Hmmm? Oh, yeah. Guess it's been a while since you've seen me meet a new dog.

Hi, Bear. I've heard good things.

[ Jet is already wagging his tail, turning to try to sniff at Bear as well. ]

Much cooler than meeting people, huh.

[A faint smile settles on her face as Bear sniffs at Will's fingers, then moves up his arm to his face, giving him a snuffle.]

I've, uh-- been thinking about it, ever since we started bringing your guys in. I wasn't sure how I'd feel about it - if it would make things feel even more weird and unreal.

Much.

[ He agrees, smiling as he lets Bear sniff at him, then reaches back to pet his head with a quiet 'hi, buddy.' ]

I can understand the hesitation. If Eddie hadn't brought in Winston when I really needed him, I don't know if I would've started this...dog crusade.

[ His eyes finally turn from Bear up to look at Shaw. ]

So how's it been so far? Okay? Still weird?

[Shaw sighs, and lowers herself to the floor too, crouching behind Bear and stroking a hand over his back. She wishes she could give a nice, easy answer, but--]

Yeah. Root being here is, too. Both of them make this place feel less real.

[She closes her eyes, exhaling.]

But it's a trade-off that's worth it. Having them is worth it.

Worth it.

[ He's rubbing Bear's neck now, a more friendly greeting now that he's been deemed all right. ]

Yeah. That's not an easy decision, but- I can see how it'd be worth it.

And of course, from where I'm at, with my different perspective...I'm glad you've got them here.

You know, it helps to hear that?

[Bear sighs heavily, snuffling Will's cheek.]

So, uh-- thanks. I guess it'll get easier as time goes on.

I think it will. And I'm glad it helps.

[ This dog is the best-- and that's equally true, no matter what dog he's petting. ]

Do you think Root's gonna be here a while? Me and her were wondering who was going to hit the finish line first.

[Shaw lifts a shoulder in a shrug.]

You're both smart. Pretty stubborn. You both have motivation to graduate, and motivation to not want to change.

[ Will nods. ]

Guess it'll be a close race, then. We'll just have to see which one of us gets our head out of our ass first, huh?

So far, you're winning. She caused an explosion in a common room; she's already giving me headaches.

Damn, she works fast. Yeah, I haven't blown up anything lately...

[ He sounds amused, though, rather than worried. It wasn't something he heard about ship-wide, so it had to work out at least relatively okay. ]

I do have something to ask you about. Might as well get into it while I'm here. Did you know Lark at all? Warden until he got pulled away, recently?

A little bit. We patrolled together. Why?

[ Will finally stops giving his most visible attention to Bear in order to look fully at Shaw. ]

He...let me attend Malcolm's first werewolf transformation. Apparently, he'd never done that before. But he thought I could handle it without interfering and making it worse. And- he was considering inviting me to his pack.

Well, I just heard from Harkin that I have an official invite now.

[Shaw frowns, though it's one of confusion and surprise.]

Lark Tennant wants to turn you into a werewolf? Do you want to join a werewolf pack?

I do. I've thought about it...I think I've wanted to do it for a while.

[ He rubs his chin, looking down at the floor thoughtfully. ]

I was more concerned with the sort of person Lark was, the sort of people he chose. I was more concerned on Malcolm's behalf. I wanted to know what he was getting into. But the more I learned, the more it became something I could see myself doing.

Tell me why, specifically? And have your concerns about Lark's judgement been cleared up, or--?

[ Will nods. ]

I believe he generally picks people who don't...fit, anywhere. He gives them a place to do so. I'd been concerned that there was a religious or semi-religious element to the pack mentality, and that's not the case. The turning 'ritual' was very practical.

As for why... [ He looks up and licks his lips. ] I'm sure you know already that there's a part of me that- if it wasn't wild before- it certainly is now. But when I start to...lose humanity, it's more of a- I see myself controlling the pack, letting it all ramp up without cause or care. If I was part of an actual pack, I'd have them to consider, to support and to hold me back. And I could 'go a little wild' without hurting anybody.

I'll say the idea of fitting someplace is appealing to me, too. Even if it's more like family than true friends.

Edited (repeated phrasing) 2023-09-05 22:40 (UTC)

[Shaw nods in acknowledgement at the end of his explanation, though her expression is as muted as always.]

And here that's Wildthyme, Bright-- anyone else?

That's it, for now. I'm assuming there might be some sort of blood-related connection to the rest of Lark's pack in LA, which has some former inmates and wardens. But I'm also more concerned with the Barge group.

I'm not sure how it'd work with my status as an inmate, either. If I'd be able to shift or- apparently there's an increase in the senses, as well. But Iris would probably know.

I think you should ask her first before you do anything. Go into it knowing exactly what to expect.

[A pause.]

You looking for my opinion?

[ Will nods. ] I'll talk to her. Wanted to talk to you and Malcolm first.

I figured I should notify you, no matter what. But I do want your opinion.

[Shaw pauses to pull her thoughts together, leaning back on her elbows. Bear sighs heavily, dropping his head into her lap, and she immediately changes tack and sits up again so that she can rub his ears.]

It weirds me out. It makes me nervous. Humans I'm familiar with and can deal with, but werewolves? No way, totally insane.

But it sounds like it could be really good for you, and you're interested in it for the right reasons.

[ Will looks away for a bit as Shaw thinks things over. He is a little nervous as to how Shaw was going to take this. It might not be entirely out of left field, but it's still not exactly the conversation people expect to have in a normal day.

That she's positive at all has him breathing a sigh of relief. Even if he sounds a little confused. ]

You think those are the right reasons? I wasn't sure...uh, whether leaning into the 'wild' tendencies would be a bad sign or not. If I should be trying to curb that instinct.

Or learn how to use it in a healthy way instead of trying to ignore it.

[She counters, raising an eyebrow.]

Mostly I'm thinking of the pack thing, not the wolf thing. You've never had the chance to be a part of something like that.

[ Oh, good. Will hadn't been looking forward to maybe trying to curb his tendency towards violence, but he'd been worried that was a key to graduating. If Shaw doesn't think so, that's good enough for him. He doesn't know what a 'healthy way' would actually be, but he can rationalize the change fairly easily.

He smiles a little when she focuses on the pack. ]

No, I really haven't. And I know you've extended an invite from your team. But these people feel right and it might give me some help here. Trusting people...it's been easier here, but-

[ He shrugs. It's still very difficult, when it's not the couple of people he's clung onto. ]

Yeah.

[Her thoughts exactly - and exactly why her first question had been to ask who else was involved.]

So how well do you know Wildthyme already?

Well enough to know I've barely touched the surface of her long lived experience.

[ That's said with a wry smile, that turns warmer as he looks down at his hands. ]

I wish my mind worked like her telepathy does. With everything being a back-and-forth, a sharing rather than an involuntary taking of knowledge. I've spent a few afternoons chatting without speech with her, or tugging her along the museum in my mind. Even the heavier, darker parts of her are a delight.

Edited 2023-09-07 01:31 (UTC)

Mmmm.

[It's a sound not quite of agreement, but also not of disagreement; she understands and isn't surprised by the assessment, in any case. It's also the nicest thing she's ever said out loud about Iris, paltry as it is.]

She drives me crazy.

[She's the most Root-like person on the ship, by far.]

But I think she could be really good for you.

[ Will smiles when told Iris drives Shaw crazy. It's rather fond. ]

I think she could be, too, yeah. I'm still sort of...blown away by how much positive emotional energy she puts out. And I should stop wondering where she gets all the time to do everything already.

I can't really tell- do you like her or find her obnoxious? Or both?

I-- she--

[Shaw shrugs her shoulders, and then hunches them, looking uncharacteristically uncomfortable.]

It's complicated.

[ Oh, he didn't expect uncomfortableness. He raises an eyebrow. ]

Can I ask why? I mean, there's a lot that's complicated about Iris...

"She reminds me a lot of Root," Shaw says. "So, that, uh-- that kind of sucked for a while."

"Ah." That explains everything. Will rubs at one of his eyes. "I can only imagine. And now it's not the same kind of 'suck,' but I'm sure it still feels strange."

"The simulation could have made her just to see what I would do," she says quietly, swallowing. "It's the kind of trick Decima would pull."

"Yeah," Will agrees, with a quiet nod. "See how you reacted to someone similar, but not the same. And since her similarity makes you think of that, it puts you on your guard." He stops for a moment, corrects himself. "More on guard."

"She's so understanding about it all," Shaw says, sounding mildly disgruntled about this, too.

Will chuckles, because he really gets that disgruntled feeling. "Yeah, she is. I thought she was better at hiding things, for a while. It's harder for me to tell when someone's not human, you know? But she's always been just as full of curiosity and wonder and glee as the day I met her. Which- she was a wolf, then."

It's one of the meetings he's had on the Barge that he remembers the most fondly.

"She was a wolf when I met her, too," Shaw admits, still pulling a face. "I didn't know she was a person; I thought she was just... a dog."

There's more chuckling from him, mostly because- "She had a tag on when I met her, that said she was a warden. But I didn't read it until I'd already thrown some toys for her and- well, I guess it's good I don't babytalk with my dogs."

"Yeah, uh... funny story; that tag was because of me."

And now he actually laughs. "Let me guess- she surprised you with not being a dog, after you'd already spent some time with her?"

"She shifted back and I tried to punch her in the face," Shaw says, with just a mite of embarrassment. "Turns out she's a pretty good fighter."

Will grins. "Kind of serves her right for surprising you like that. I didn't check the tag, but that's on me." He shrugs.

"I am also completely unsurprised that she's a good fighter. Did you two really get into it after she shifted back?"

"Uh-- kind of. We fought, but it was just a friendly spar to her."

Shaw had been surprised and angry. Iris had just had fun with it, because, as it turns out, she enjoys fighting every bit as much as Shaw does.

"Then last month we went at it in the gym and really freaked out Eiffel. Turns out he thought we were actually trying to kill each other."

He looks almost impressed to hear they scared Eiffel. "I don't imagine either of you pulls any punches...especially if you both have Gaius heal you up at the end. I'm almost sorry I missed it."

"Yeah, that was the plan," she says, her lip curling upwards - she's honestly kind of impressed that they scared Eiffel too, though she knows full well that he's a weenie when it comes to violence. "I'd say we'll do it again sometime, but, uh-- it probably shouldn't be in public."

[Malcolm is still in his bed, though he's taken off his restraints. He's laying on his side, so behind him the camera is picking up the half circle window with golden morning light streaming through it.]

Hey. [He smiles when he sees Will's face.] Looks like they're gone now. The other world people. So. ...That was my family.

[He's inviting comment.]

Hey.

[ Says Will, with a smile. He's sleepy, still lying in bed with Winston and Buster and wearing his sleeping attire- a sweaty t-shirt and boxer briefs. Unlike Malcolm's place, Will's is dark like a cave. It's how he tends to keep it, especially in the mornings. He pushes himself up on one elbow to address Malcolm. ]

So it was. I feel lucky I got to meet them before we went back. Hope I...uh. [ He rubs at his face, trying to figure out how to word it. ] Hope I made an okay impression, at least.

How was it for you, seeing them again?

You made a fantastic impression.

It was weird. Seeing them. But kind of... good.

[He pauses. Sunshine chirps somewhere in the background.]

Do you want to come over? You don't have to... get all the way dressed or anything to just crawl into a different bed, right?

[ Will is glad it was good, even kind of good. He wasn't sure how Malcolm would take Martin showing up, but at least things didn't get too contentious. ]

Yeah, I'll come over. I'll bring both dogs...maybe some pants. See you soon, Malcolm.

[ He gives the screen such a fond look, he might as well have just called Malcolm a long string of endearments. Then he shuts the comm down and tugs himself out of bed.

He arrives at Malcolm's cabin a couple minutes later, knocking lightly before letting himself in. He does, as stated, have the addition of Buster and Winston wandering in, and some sweatpants. He yawns performatively as he spots Malcolm and heads toward the bed. ]

Mornin'. You always look fantastic when you wake up.

I call it Insomnia Chic. [He's teasing, and even as he says it, he reaches his hand out to beckon Will to join him. Will, who always looks achingly beautiful, no matter how rumpled.] What did you think of them? [Asked as he tugs Will into the bed with him.]

[ Will smirks at the joke and manages to shuck off his sweatpants before he flops onto the bed next to Malcolm. Somehow, he also manages to take the offered hand and brings it up so he can kiss the knuckles. His own eyes twinkle at pretending to be so formal. ]

Insomnia Chic really works for you.

[ And now the question. Will wonders if Malcolm realizes it's a bit of a trap. Will can't just say "they all seem nice," now can he? ]

They all care for you, more than I expected. I... you know I err towards the cynical. And I'm not used to families. I expected less concern for you, on all fronts. Finding that there- or something like it- was a pleasant surprise.

My mom cares for sure. She’s not the best at execution, but she has all the mom feelings. I’ve always been close to my sister. At least since the arrest. We only had each other for a while.

[He tangles their fingers together after Will kisses his knuckles, drawing a smile even as he was talking.]

And… to Martin…… I’m more like something he made, and he cares about someone ruining all his hard work. But that’s pretty much the closest thing you can get to love from a malignant narcissist. He was from earlier than me, though. Before his escape. Before I stabbed him again.

[His features crease. Soften. He studies Will’s face.]

I’m sorry you didn’t get to talk to Hannibal.

[ Will is about to address what Malcolm said about Martin- the nuances he'd found while talking to the killer. That there was definitely pride there, that it's one of the few things he thinks Martin really feels.

But Malcolm mentions Hannibal and Will's mouth opens to say it's for the best. He can't get those words out. Disappointment crosses his features as he looks down at their connected hands. ]

Yeah. It would've been- it could only have been a disaster, but...still, I wish I'd seen him.

I wanted to talk to him too. [He presses a gentle kiss to Will's mouth and snuggles close. Yeah, this is why he wanted to have this conversation in bed and not over the network.] Every master manipulator is different.

[ Will doesn't respond until about halfway through the kiss, caught up in his own mind for a moment. But once he realizes what Malcolm's doing, he hugs him close. Having this talk in person was definitely a good idea. ]

It's true. I wish you could've talked to him, too. It would've been good to get your opinion, on...everything.

[ Will reaches up and pinches the bridge of his nose, then rubs his eye before settling back down. ]

He doesn't waste time. He would've tried to mess with you immediately. I was expecting more of that from your father, but he seemed to be spending time getting his bearings. Probably the better option, considering the fact this was all network-only.

It's not always obvious when my dad is manipulating. Or fishing. Or setting up a manipulation. It's easier to just... not trust anything he says.

[He kisses Will's jaw.]

I wanted to see what his style was. I wanted to see what he tried on me. I wanted to see how he reacted.

[ Will melts a little under the kiss, fingers rubbing where he can reach on Malcolm's shoulder. ]

He would've found you interesting, immediately. Would've tested to what you would and wouldn't respond to, which questions you liked asking. He'd do his best to make you feel like you were in charge of the conversation.

I couldn't tell if Martin was trying anything in particular. I'm wondering if he felt at a loss with the limited access and information he had...

It is always best to keep him wrongfooted and the situation kind of did that. What he likes to do to isolate me is drive subtle wedges in between me and anyone he meets that I care about. Plant little seeds of unhappiness he hopes the host’s own imagination will grow.

Ah. [ Will's smile is a little wry. ] I'm familiar with that technique. A lot harder to do when the target is surrounded by friends and family, admittedly.

[ Will leans in for a gentle kiss this time, pulling back with a small smile. ]

Even if he didn't talk to them, I'm sure he could tell you were different. Bet that was infuriating, changes he didn't have a hand in.

[Malcolm smiles, his eyes widening a little. It surprises him that he hadn’t thought of that. And he’s also delighted.]

God, I hope so!

[ Will always loves surprising a smile out of Malcolm like that. He grins in response, the small smile now nowhere to be seen. ]

He'll have a harder time poking holes in your resolve after this place.

I did stab him right before I got here. But he was from before that. He didn’t know.

It sounded like he didn't know a lot of things you'd been through.

[ And because what he has to say next is delicate, Will gently brushes Malcolm's hair back and kissed his temple. ]

Having met him, there's no way he'd die from one stab, you know. I'm sure he'll survive to guilt trip you another day.

[Malcolm lifts his head to look at Will’s eyes. He wishes there was less hope in his own gaze; he knows Will will see it.]

Do you think so?

[ Will's smile is warm and reassuring. ]

I do. He's too stubborn to go from that. He'll be okay.

[ He kisses Malcolm's forehead, hugging him close. And he hopes the bastard comes out of it with a shaky hand, at least. ]

Well, the police found us right after it happened, so maybe he’s back in his cell at Claremont already. [He melts against Will as he’s hugged, happy to soak up the warmth.] And we can visit him there so you can get a proper look at his cell.

Well, I've already had a good look at his cell, in that memory of yours we shared. But I'd still like to see him in it after we get back, so that'd be nice.

[ Hearing about the police arriving does make him a little concerned about whether Malcolm will be in trouble with them, but- for now? They've broached the topic enough. ]

Ainsley was worried that you'd never come back, you know. That I'd whisk you away or you'd like this place too much. Hopefully I eased her worries.

I’m glad you did. I wasn’t sure what to say. I want to see them again, but part of me isn’t sure about going back. Maybe we can take her on a trip with us somewhere. So once we leave she knows we can always come back.

I think that'd help, yeah.

Don't want you to miss out on more time with your family, if you want it. You don't have to...go back to your old version of normal, in order to have that.

Now and then. In manageable doses. Note to anyone who thinks I’m A Lot: I’m the least A Lot in my whole family.

[ Will laughs lightly, breathing in the smell of sleep and comfort from Malcolm. ]

I did get that impression. I'm honestly glad I had the screen in between us for this first meeting.

Yeah, it takes some working up to, the whole Whitly experience. Dinner at my mother’s legacy townhouse on the Upper East Side, for example.

[ Will whistles quietly, acting impressed. ]

So you're saying I'll need to see a tailor before I head over there. And probably comb my hair. And maybe leave the dogs at home.

She definitely won’t let the dogs inside. She made me get rid of my snakes as soon as one of them got out of its enclosure one time. And you can see a tailor if you want to but she won’t make you stay outside no matter what you wear or I’m going with you.

[ That gets another chuckle out of Will. ]

Glad to know I'd have company, at least.

You know, I never did go to any of Hannibal's fancy dinner parties. Sort of wish I had the experience now.

Ew. No you don’t.

[ Will laughs and rolls a little in place, turning bright eyes at Malcolm's. ]

No, I really don't. I'd rather have a root canal.

[Malcolm grins.]

I’m afraid we only offer kisses here.

Oh, yeah? Guess I'll have to 'settle' for that, then.

[ He stares into Malcolm's (very blue) eyes before leaning in for the offered kiss. As he pulls back, he smirks a little. ]

And you said you don't banter...

Did I just banter? I’m having so many new experiences with you.

[Teasing a little, but also still true.]

[ Will grins, eyes closing in what looks like bliss. ]

Same here. And yes, you did. Congratulations.

[ After a long moment that seems like he might be dozing, he opens his eyes again, looking at Malcolm. ]

You were really worried how I was going to react to your family?

Well… it was more that I wanted your perspective. I was curious what you would see, from the outside.

Hey

You talk to Lark at all while he was here?

Hey. I talked to him over the flood, but I think we got disconnected. He said there were some things he meant to tell me before he got pulled away.

Why? You manage a chat?

A little.

I asked him about what he wants to see with pack shit.

Cause I know things are kinda fucked with all the changes.

He told me you're invited.

Asked if he'd talked to anyone else about it.

Apparently not.

What the fuck

About the not telling anyone else thing

Not about the you part

That part's good

'Invited' as in welcome to come visit, or invited to join the pack?

Join

As a wolf

If you want

But either way

[ The response is delayed by almost a minute. ]

Really? I've barely talked to him, I didn't think I'd be in the running for something like that. Not yet.

I would want. Very much.

Yeah. I got no guess as to why he told me.

And apparently no one else

I mean, I did ask what he wanted for the Pack.

But I more meant 'what do you want Malcolm to learn because he's got no experience with canine behavior'.

Like I said, we got disconnected. Maybe he just wanted to get it out while he had someone he trusted to talk about it with.

I'm extremely familiar with canine pack behavior, so I can help Malcolm with that. I'm not certain if my knowledge will match up with Lark's reality, but it'll probably be close.

Shit, I'll have to ask Shaw

Fuck that.

It's your body

Talk to her if you want

But fuck that

I don't know if I'd be able to shift as an inmate, that's all.

But that's fine.

I'll just have to make sure the dogs aren't scared of me. But if they could handle Hannibal, I don't know how I'd be much worse.

I know wolves that have changed while being inmates, Lark included.

But I ain't gonna claim what does and doesn't work.

I can't be one

So I don't have experience

Oh, they can? Lark came on the Barge as a werewolf, right? That's encouraging.

I'm sorry you can't.

Is what it is.

[Even if he wishes it wasn't.]

Glad you have the chance though.

Can't think of anyone on this boat better suited to it.

Thank you. And thank you for being the bearer of good news, too. Would've had to wait until another flood like that, otherwise.

I was with Malcolm during his first change, so I know how it works. I'll check in with Iris about the dogs, see if she knows any other particulars I should.

Glad I could, but wish others had.

Get the impression Lark might have not told anyone but me.

Which is weird as fuck.

Sorry if it makes things uncomfortable down the road.

It's definitely weird. I'm going to guess there were some extenuating circumstances. I don't see how it'd make anything uncomfortable, though.

How'd you hold up with all the visitors coming by? You get any other bad ones, after the very loud and obvious one?

Nah

Grimnir wasn't so bad.

Easier knowing he's about to get murdered with his own fucking spear.

That definitely helps. And I hear we've got Laura to thank for that.

I only had my jailer show up. I was from his future, which made him fun to mess with.

She did

And fuck that guy

He ever shows up, just point me at him.

I'll break his fucking face.

He has a lot of pain waiting for him in the future. Getting shot in the face and nearly burned to death. I sort of arranged that last one.

Not that I'm telling you to hold back. He needs every reminder he can get that he should've treated his patients with respect.

Ain't like he'd stay dead here anyways. Plenty of time to be reminded of how much of a cunt he is.

[ His voice is soft and very tired. ] Will, sorry to bother you. Malcolm and I were talking and it took a turn. He... upset me. He didn't mean to. I need a minute, but he wants to fix it now.

I don't know how to make him believe I'll come back. If you've... If you can help. I'd appreciate it.

Sure.

[ He had just left to grab the dogs, and he doesn't know what topic they got onto, but- he knows how nervous Malcolm had been about going back. It wouldn't take much to set him off-kilter. And once Malcolm worries about something, he wants to fix it. ]

I was going to head back to his place soon, anyway. I'll try to have him give you some space. Take your time.

[From here.]

Malcolm bursts into Will’s cabin and goes straight to the couch and flops on his back there like a petulant teenager.

“Shaw doesn’t want to be friends anymore because she can’t fix me.”

Will is currently tucked into his armchair with Winston on his lap. He looks up from his book (Theories of Transmutation and Chemical Alterations) and blinks. He stares at Malcolm for a long moment, seemingly reaching back into something in his mind, then sets the book down on a nearby table.

"Did she say those words?" he asks, tone neutral other than a vague curiosity.

Malcolm considers it. The words were in there, but not just like that. Then he blows out a breath.

"I don't even know anymore." He pulls out his phone and unlocks it and opens the conversation, tossing it over to Will without getting up, but careful not to hit the dog. Then he drapes his arm across his eyes. "I hate putting you in the middle, but... help."

Will catches the phone and looks at it, then scrolls up...and up...and finally just starts with the first audio part of the conversation. He plays it on speaker, since it might not hurt to have Malcolm re-listen to what was said. His eyebrows raise as they start talking about sexual subjects, then furrow as they continue back and forth and Shaw starts sounding exactly the same as she does in her talks with Will.

By the time they start talking in circles, his eyes are wide again and he's running his tongue over his teeth. Malcolm hones in on one point, Shaw avoids it, and Malcolm wrestles with it like a dog with a bone. They get deeper into their own experiences- Will winces slightly at the mention of Neal- but somehow keep slipping past each other. Will looks a little shell-shocked by the end of it.

He groans a bit, setting the phone down carefully on top of his book, and notes the obvious. "That was rough."

Edited 2023-09-08 16:26 (UTC)

Malcolm sits up.

"Okay. I have a question. Were we talking about me and her or me and everybody. Because it just... zigged and zagged. Like. Like... I told her that she could just... accept that the words I'm using are what I'm saying and she says the world doesn't work like that and I have to improve so I don't piss off all these people but then they're hypothetical people and I have to do it for her, but if it's me and her, then why can't we meet in the middle? It just felt like I never knew what we were actually talking about. But it kind of started that way, because I thought we were joking around, you know? Some good-natured ribbing. But then I thought she wanted to talk and I just thought... well, that should have been a clue, right?"

He flops back down.

"Do you think it's better if she doesn't want to talk to me anymore? I didn't want a lifecoach; I wanted to be friends."

Will listens, licking his lips. He sighs slightly, thoughtful, before he tries to answer.

"So I'm...actually not sure if she was trying to talk about you and her or you and everyone, either. She clearly thought you were trying to divert the discussion when you first brought it up. I didn't expect her to be lecturing you so much, either, but I don't have context for your previous conversations. Did you ask her for advice in the past? Either on trying to be friends with her or trying to get along better with other people?"

He'll get to the last question, but he wants to clear this up first.

"I don't... think so? But then when I say things, I don't really know what she gets from it until she tells me. But remember that time I came over because she told me she wanted to Try? This conversation had different topics but it was exactly the same feel, where she was like... we have to learn to understand each other so listen to me tell you why you fail at life."

He sighs.

"She reminds me of someone back home. A cop I worked with. We kind of... almost seemed like we might... have a thing? Sometimes. And I think I recognized something similar in Shaw when she arrived, and I thought.... Well. That's why I kind of thought that maybe we could be... something. Eventually. If I just gave her time to get used to me. But. I'm not even interested in anything that complicated now - just being friends - and I'm thinking... she isn't ever going to like me." He shifts to tilt his head half off the couch so he can look at Will. "She isn't, is she?"

Will frowns thoughtfully- it only deepens when he hears that Shaw's attempt to Try was much the same. Malcolm continues on, telling him about one of the cops he worked with that...maybe dating happened? And that clears up another mystery, but doesn't help much with this one.

Will looks up at Malcolm, meeting his gaze. "Honestly, Malcolm...I don't know. Shaw's harder for me to read than most people. And I can give you a little advice here, but-" He shifts in his chair, sitting up further without disturbing Winston too much. "Listen. What you need to ask yourself is if she- if all of this-" He gestures towards the phone. "-is worth the trouble for you."

He lets that settle for just a moment before continuing. "Things with her blow up almost every time you talk. It sounds like she's lecturing you and giving you unwanted advice. You both sounded like you were talking at each other rather than to each other, or like you were speaking a different language. I could tell you were both trying hard, and maybe you'll eventually break through. But if it's going to...hurt you regularly in the process, it's not worth it."

Malcolm sits up again.

"I don't want to have that conversation every time!" he explains, gesturing at the phone. "But it's like we can't talk about anything else until I fix myself and... I don't know. I tend to assume I'm the problem, but... there are people here who like me the way I am. Why do I have to... why do I have to be different? I'm not saying I'm perfect or even rejecting the idea of working on some things, but I can question it, right? Is there a compelling reason to be different? Well, one reason is to appease her, but I don't even know if that's possible, no matter what I do. So. I don't know if it is, actually. Worth it. Except she's your Warden and if she hates me she can make things kind of difficult for us and.... you're worth.... anything," Malcolm concludes.

Something in Will relaxes when Malcolm seems to agree. He'd been worried at how willing Malcolm was to contort himself into all sorts of shapes to appease people. The last part surprises him a little, because it's not really something he'd considered as a problem.

His brow furrows as he speaks. "If she makes things difficult for us, I'll make it difficult for her right back."

He looks back up at Malcolm, giving him a too-wide smile. "And I can be very difficult to work with. So seriously, don't worry about me. You don't have to be friends to be coworkers. And I think you're still feeling out how you want to be you before complicating it with how other people want you to be." It hadn't been that long since he got out of masking to try and fit in at the FBI, after all.

He slumps forward in a sort of relief at the observation.

“It was going mostly well. At home. Before I came here. Being on a team as me. I… I do want to… to connect with people and I want to be part of things, but… there are at least seven people here who like me pretty well just… how I am. Seven. I have a best friend and a boyfriend. This is the most successful I’ve ever been at developing connections with people that I’ve ever been.” He presses his lips together. “Sometimes I forget that. Sometimes the chorus of negativity beats me down so badly that I can’t see it. But you’re always there when that happens.” He pauses. “I made up with Neal. Oh! And want to hear something weird? I was in the library and Laura was there and she asked me questions. About mental health. Pretty sure she punched me for sticking my nose in people’s mental health but…” he shrugs expansively. “Sometimes I take some getting used to.”

Will grins to hear that Malcolm has so many friends- or at least generally-positive acquaintances. He has more here than he ever had at home, too. He's about to reinforce the positivity when Malcolm brings up things with Neal...and Laura.

"Or maybe she re-evaluated her reasons for hitting you or her recent feelings and knew you were someone who knew about these things," Will adds gently. "It's not always about something you do, right or wrong or different. I'm so glad, though. Both that she talked to you and about Neal. I knew things would turn out okay with him."

He finally (gently) pushes Winston off his lap and walks over to the couch to find a space next to Malcolm on it, so he can give his partner a hug. "You're doing good," he assures Malcolm. "And if you want to try little tweaks here and there to...I don't know, feel more comfortable, I can help with some of that. But I love who you are. You don't have to change anything about yourself. Not a thing."

Malcolm smiles back at him, leaning against him, wrapping his arms around him. Practically radiating affection.

“I love you so much,” he murmurs. “I’m… I think I do want to figure myself out before I… tweak things. I can do that without it meaning that I think I’m perfect, right?”

And Will basks in the glow of that affection. That and the lean, the warmth at his side- it's all perfect.

"Of course you can. Other people might say you can't- or you shouldn't- but you always, always can. And I think it's a good idea. This is a good place to learn how to get comfortable with yourself."

“I like who I am when I’m with you,” Malcolm admits. “It’s a weird new feeling.”

"A good one, I hope," he half-jokes. He reaches up, smoothing his thumb lightly over Malcolm's eyebrow and down his cheek. He's just enjoying being able to touch, appreciating and being appreciated. "I'm so glad. I hope you get used to liking who you are. You've worked so hard for it."

Malcolm melts a little at the touch, his eyes fluttering closed for a moment.

“I tried to explain… about that. About how far I’ve come and how hard I had to work. It’s… hearing that dismissed as an excuse not to put in more effort was the worst part.”

His eyes open.

“That wasn’t what I meant.”

"I know it wasn't," Will says, hugging him close. "I got that. The things you've both had to work on and through are entirely different, and I- I don't know if she understood that?" He shakes his head. "But it's not on you to explain it any further, either."

"You know what was the weirdest part, though? When she said something about me being taught to communicate by manipulative people, like we talked about. Except... we've never talked about that. I don't know where that even came from," Malcolm muses.

He shifts to curl up against Will's chest, so he can hear his heartbeat.

"But she seemed to think I should know how to overcome it."

"Ah...that's my fault," Will admits. "A hypothesis I had. It came up while she was talking to me about both of your troubles communicating, and it shifted into my relationship issues and more...wardening-type things."

And he'd sort of avoided going into it with Malcolm because he was fairly sure Malcolm had plenty of people armchair-diagnosing him in his life. Unfortunately, that meant he was hearing about it this way. "I'm sorry," Will says, quietly. "I should've brought this up with you directly after."

"You don't have to apologize for thinking about me," Malcolm tells him. "Did you talk about that because you were trying to smooth things out? Because I literally asked you to," he points out, drawing patterns on Will's knee absently with one finger.

"Oh," Will breathes out, somewhat surprised. He's so used to people hating his insight, no matter how much they said they were ready. In a situation like this? He thought even Malcolm would feel betrayed. "Right. Yeah, it was...then. I still feel like I should've told you. Do you want to hear about it, or...should we leave it for the moment?"

He doesn't want to be shoving advice onto Malcolm after all that.

Malcolm snuggles in. "I'm interested," he tells him.

"Okay."

He likes the snuggling, and does what he can to accommodate it. It definitely makes him feel like he's about to tell a bedtime story, rather than go into a psychological profile of his significant other.

"So the part I told Shaw about- I hypothesized about you and her having to learn different social cues and to rely on them when communicating. Because you learned different cues, you really are speaking a different language with each other. I know Shaw had a supportive family that was understanding of her mental condition. And I know you had...not that, so much. Your father was obviously manipulative, but I believe he fostered a certain amount of manipulativeness in the rest of your family. And you had to learn your social cues from them, because you were fairly isolated from other people."

It didn't sound like he had much support anywhere else, from what Will has heard. Just his psychiatrist, and Gil.

"I also brought up that I think you might have arrested emotional development. It would be consistent with the trauma you've experienced, both physical and mental. Intellectually, you're amazing. But your difficulties with emotional regulation are, I think, from the fact that you've never had a real chance to grow up. You had too many things you had to work past first."

He considers that.

“My therapist said that would probably happen. Not to me. I overheard her telling my mother. But we’ve never talked about it or… how it might impact me. I guess… bigger fish to fry. Like you said. …I have been called immature. But ‘weird’ and ‘intense’ tend to get thrown around a lot more. And Gabrielle seemed to think a lot of the emotional regulation issues came down to the. Um. Secret diagnosis plus my mood disorders.”

Will can't help it- a bit of an amused rumble permeates out of him. "You can say autism. I'm on the spectrum, even if they can't figure out exactly where. And the ad hominem attack of 'immature' is a little different to not having had the chance to develop your emotions."

Will squeezes him close for a moment before he continues. "It might be the mood disorders, I know. But I wouldn't be surprised if some arrested development is at play, too. We could do some research on it, see if there's anything more about impact or treatment in the library?"

Malcolm’s expression creases and he nods slowly. “The fight with Raylan and the fight with Neal… they both happened because I lost my temper about something. And now… they both said they forgave me but it’s different now. There’s a… a wall there that wasn’t there with me before. And I lost control and made them put it up and nothing I say or do makes it better. I don’t know how to fix it. I thought everyone lost their temper sometimes, but… mine must be different somehow. More… more harmful or… “ He trails off. “Do you think it can be fixed? Do you think if it’s fixed they’ll let me be with them like we were before?”

Will leans over to kiss Malcolm gently on the side of the head before answering. "...I think that some of what you can learn here is that things always change, and it's never exactly the way it was before. But that's not always bad, not even if it starts out bad. Fractured bonds can be strengthened over time, as you continue to prove that you're trustworthy. So don't think of it as a wall. Think of it as a crack in your foundation, putting a little more distance between the two of you. You have to put some time and effort into shoring that foundation up again. Does that make sense?"

Malcolm nods glumly. “It’s just… there seems to be no limit to the things I can ruin by saying the wrong thing.” He twists around to look up at Will. “What if I say something awful to you in the heat of the moment? Where will I go then?”

Will reaches for Malcolm's hand and holds it, squeezing a bit. "Then I'll show you that when you break things, you almost never break them for good. You, Malcolm Bright, are not a relationship-ruiner. You are not a feelings-monster, and you're not any more destructive than most people. You've had a lot of bad luck. And believe me, I know bad luck."

Will gives him a small smile. "And like I said, we'll keep changing, but we'll change together. If we have some sort of disagreement...we'll talk it out. If we can't talk it out right then, we'll wait until we can. But I can't think of anything that'd break us apart, beyond...well, Hannibal. And...that'd be more physical than anything," he admits.

Malcolm snuggles back against him, clutching his hand.

“I’m not afraid of him. I’m dangerous too.”

"We both are," confirms Will, his smile returning. "Good. You're more prepared to handle him than...anyone, I think. Other than maybe me."

And he sighs with contentment as they both get comfortable again. "So. You don't have anything to worry about, in that case."

"I like the idea of having nothing to worry about but I don't actually know what it's like," he teases, fidgeting with the tail of Will's shirt.

Will laughs, lightly. "Well, that makes two of us. Although I feel like I've made a couple of strides in that area, at least. We're just going to have to spend enough time here that we get used to the idea."

"But I can always come here when there's too much to worry about out there," he confirms. "To the safe place."

"Mmmhmmm," Will hums happily, encompassing Malcolm in his arms. "And the cabin should actually stay safe here."

Malcolm knows about Randall Tier, and what Will did to the man who broke in to kill him. But here on the Barge? The cabins never seem to be messed with. "I know there's a lot of craziness out there on the ship. But you should always be able to reach both it and me." Will is doing everything he can to make sure of that.

“We need to put a bigger, more solid bed in here,” Malcolm tells him with a grin. “Before I take us both over and it lands on top of us.”

Will laughs. "Ah, and here I thought it might be a fun way to wake up." He kisses Malcolm's head, just one of his frequent familiar touches now. "I'll put in a request. I'm sure 'bed that won't fold in over itself' isn't too big an ask."

“If you get king size there’d be room for dogs on the other side of you, where I can’t accidentally kick them.”

Will signed up for the odd accidental kicking, but dogs can’t understand.

Will looks back over at the bed. "I do have enough room for it, if I put the art supplies back where they belong." He has a few canvases taking over the empty space on that side of the cabin, in varying states of completion.

"Plus, it'd just be...polite, to have more space for when you're here. Although I do like being close," he's sure to add. "Have you ever tried sleeping as a wolf, at all? Just a little dog-nap sometime?"

"You can do you art in my cabin," Malcolm tells him. He doesn't need to put them back. "There's a lot of empty space you can use. And then you can stay close to me and the other half of the bed will be dog space," he adds with a smile.

The question makes him pause.

"No. I've barely... I don't change much. Just when we go out. And one time with Iris. She came over when I announced I was coming back to counselling and we... ran around."

He nods, thinking about the art. It's not anywhere near as good as what Neal's capable of, but maybe it doesn't matter. The materials can at least sit around in someplace with more foot traffic.

"I'm glad she got to you," Will says with a small smile. "You might want to try it sometime, just napping. My dogs always look so peaceful. It might be nice?"

"...You think?" He considers it, then tilts his head to look at Will. "But I'm not going to be another dog on the bed, right?"

Will chuckles lightly, but his expression betrays a bit of concern. "No, no. I'm trying to find ways for you to enjoy your new state. I know it's tough for you to relax with it. And I was wondering what it'd be like if we both curl up together like that. It just sounded pleasant."

He kisses what he can reach right now, which is an ear. "I will find any way I can for us both to relax. I like this place, but it doesn't offer a lot of quiet moments." Other than the fact that it's brought them together, and he sleeps better here with Malcolm than he has in years. He wants more.

“I could try it.” He squirms a little to look at Will again while trying not to dislodge his embrace. “I could try it tonight. But. If I have lupine night terrors and bite you and then remember what that tastes like, like the moose, it’s daytime wolfing only. Deal?”

"Of course. Deal," Will responds immediately. He hadn't expected Malcolm to agree to this tonight. But they weren't the type to wait on things once they were decided. "We'll just give it a shot. Trying can't hurt anything here."

“The fact that you have instant healing makes it easier to try it,” Malcolm admits. He pushes himself up enough to give Will a kiss. “And I trust you.”

Will hums, pleased, as Malcolm kisses him. "Yep. That's at least a couple of good things going for us here."

He does hope that Malcolm doesn't have to know what he tastes like- even if Will is rather inured to the idea. Malcolm didn't need nightmares like that. But he doesn't think it'll happen, anyway. There's some violence in Malcolm's night terrors, yes, but they've been pretty manageable so far. And maybe he'll dream of being a wolf in them.

Will's smile takes on a satisfied smirk. "I'm looking forward to having a chance of keeping up with you in the fields. Even if they're Enclosure fields. I want to learn about all of this with you."

“When do you think it’ll happen?” Malcolm asks. “Do you think I have to be a wolf for a minimum amount of time before I can turn someone? I mean. With… some sort of supervision, obviously. They probably don’t let you just do it alone on your first go,” he muses.

"I don't know if there's that many rules or not, honestly," Will admits. "Although maybe? I'm going to ask Iris a few things, so I'll add that to the pile. But ideally- it can happen after that, anytime."

Yeah, Will doesn't like waiting on things. "Oh, it could depend on the port, too. That should be happening soon, right?"

"Should be, yeah. Why does it depend on the port, though?" Malcolm asks.

"Oh, it mostly depends where it's at," Will replies. "Very occasionally they can be dangerous. I don't want to still be getting my four legs under me if that happens. Although, if it's a better port, it might be nice to have more space..."

“So we have to find out if I’m allowed to turn someone yet and then we have to wait until we land and see if it’s suitable,” Malcolm summarizes.

Will yawns a little. What? This is comfortable.

"More like I want to make sure Iris is okay with me being turned in the first place, but yes. That's probably the responsible way to do it, waiting for the port." And he is at least trying to show Shaw that he's being responsible.

“But Lark said it’s okay. Can she say no?” Malcolm asks.

Hey. So, uh-- I figured you should know. I got engaged.

What?

[ A long pause, then a bit of a laugh and an unusually cheery- ] Congratulations, Shaw! I should've seen that coming. Who ended up asking?

Me. Kind of... by accident.

By accident?

Were you just thinking about it and blurted it out? That's how Molly did it.

I'd been thinking about it for a couple weeks. Kinda planning how I was going to do it, when I was going to do it, if I was going to do it... I thought I might chicken out.

And instead of that, you went the opposite direction.

How'd she take it? Excited, I'm guessing?

Mmhm. I knew she would be; there was no chance she'd say no.

None whatsoever.

[ His smile is in his voice. ]

Have you made any plans yet? Gonna do it while you're in port and Root can go somewhere...assuming it's not a cave again?

You mean this port? That's what's supposed to happen this month, right?

I mean, this one or the next decent one. I suppose this one might be a little too early for you two...

Honestly? I'm kinda torn between "Yeah" and "Why wait?" on that one.

Makes sense. You could just see how you feel when it next comes up with Root.

Go with the flow, huh?

That's the idea.

You both have been working hard for a long time. Something like this, it should go at the pace you're both comfortable with. And be the way you want it to be.

Mostly, I just want to make her happy.

Then go with the flow.

I'm pretty sure you're making her happy already.

I am. I don't totally get why, but I know I am.

Hey. Serious talk time; you wanna do that in person or over this thing?

Serious talk, huh? Okay, uh...wherever you'd rather is fine. I'm free now.

Okay, my place?

Be there in a couple of minutes.

[ And he is, Winston and Buster following behind him- no leash on either of them this time. He knocks on the door, hoping the dogs help with whatever's serious today. He bet it has to do with the werewolf thing. ]

Hey, buddy.

[Shaw murmurs as she opens the door, bending to give Winston a good scruff. She'll pat Buster too, letting him sniff her hand, but she has a favorite here. And Jet, for his part, has a lot of favorites: he happily bounds from Will to Buster to Winston and then back to Will again, greeting them all in turn only because there are too many to greet all at once.

Bear just thumps his tail from his position on the dog bed, watchful but not joining in the fray.]

Wolves, and Bright.

[Says Shaw, standing and moving into the kitchen area.]

Which first?

[ Ah, of course. Will furrows his eyebrows a bit, crouching down to give Jet a thorough patting. ]

Let's go in that order, then.

[ He's hoping the dogs will make this easier. ]

[Shaw nods, pouring them both a glass of water and then turning back to face him, leaning against the counter.]

I'm just gonna play you what Wildthyme said to me, and then we can talk strategies for how you're gonna manage it.

[She already has this comment pulled up on her communicator, and she plays it in full, then switches the playback off.]

Initial thoughts?

[ Will listens, brow creasing a bit as Iris goes into the feelings issue. ]

...okay. So, no more drinking. Except for maybe around you and Malcolm? [ He keeps an eye on her to see what she thinks. ] A program in the Enclosure sounds good, for distractions. I'll test out a number of them when I first change, see what works the best.

Other things...we could talk more about my feelings?

[ He's pretty sure that's not going to be an appealing option for Shaw. ]

Maybe have a plan to contact you if I feel like things are getting out of control?

Edited 2023-09-10 19:38 (UTC)

[Shaw nods along with all these ideas without concern or complaint. Getting into the weeds about feelings is never easy for her, but if it's necessary, she'll do it.

The last one does make her pause, though.]

If you're feeling like you're getting out of control, are you always going to want to contact me?

[ Will opens his mouth, and then reconsiders his answer. He bites his lip as he turns it over in his mind. ]

Uh...depends on what it is that's got me upset, I think. So no, not always. I'm trying to think of what else would work, other than having people keep an eye on me...

We don't have to figure everything out right now, I just wanna start thinking about it. And anyway, I'm going to be on your ass way more than I am now.

[ Will raises his eyebrows. ]

Even more?

...ah, maybe that's good, while I'm adjusting. I'm not sure how it's going to hit me, after all. Especially if 'old rages' come back up. At least the subject of those isn't here for me to focus on.

[Drily, she says:]

Something that I'm grateful for every day.

[There's a brief pause, and then she adds:]

I'm going to want a lot of personal experience with what this looks like on you, so it's not just about making sure you don't lose control, and asking other people to supervise isn't gonna cut it. So yeah, you're gonna get really sick of me.

[ Jet's finally had enough pets from him and pulls away. Will's eyes close, briefly, taking in the new information. ]

All right. I imagine Iris can let you know if anything's happening that's out of the normal behavior patterns for werewolves. Or if it seems like I'm leaning in a dangerous direction, too. She knows me pretty well.

Sure, yeah, that'll be good. But you get why I also want to see for myself, right?

Oh...right, of course. I was more...brainstorming. Trying to find other tools that could help you.

But yes, you need to have more info on this than anyone else. You know more about me than almost anyone here, and you're not biased. You can tell if things are going well, or otherwise.

That's the hope, anyway.

Yep. Nothing saying you'll be perfectly objective, either. Then again, we're talking about me turning into a werewolf, so maybe 'objective' isn't the right word for it.

[ He shrugs. ]

[She quirks a brow at him, half-smiling.]

How about "completely unbelievable"?

We can go with that.

[ He smirks. ]

Of course, that's at least half the things on this ship. Some of it, we've just gotten used to.

Have we?

[She means it as a quip, but, well. Shaw is an adaptable person, but even she has her limits, and the Barge has found several of them.]

I did say 'some of it.' [ He has to admit. ]

I don't think I'd be adapting so well if it weren't for Harkin. But I wanted to know and understand his lives...support him the best I can. His entire existence is in the fantastical, so... [ He shrugs again. ] I'm working on it.

Maybe that's why this wolf thing coming up...it doesn't shake me so much. Between Harkin and Malcolm, it'd been on my mind already.

You know, I'm kind of surprised Sweeney's not one already?

[ Will shakes his head, suddenly frowning a little. ]

He can't. Not with being Fae already. It's...too bad. He'd make a great wolf.

Seriously? That's... weird; why can't he be both?

I don't know. Maybe it's like oil and water- the two types of magic don't mix well.

All I know is that he's sure about it not working, and that he really would've liked it to.

That sucks.

[Which feels like an understatement.]

Yep. Seems like he always gets the short end of the stick.

[ Which is a feeling Will understands- but it's been at least somewhat different since he came here. At least Harkin isn't literally Unlucky while he's here, but it sort of feels like it, sometimes. ]

He's got Garcia, though, yeah? And you, and, uh-- I assume he has other friends.

Oh, yeah. It's not the having that's tough for him, it's the losing. He's always here while people graduate, get their deals, get pulled away...and that's not going into the Breaches...

And a few wardens have really failed him in that time, too. It all builds up.

[Shaw makes a small sound in the back of her throat.]

This is a really easy place to fail other people.

[ Will hums thoughtfully in response. ]

It can be. Maybe it's even an inevitability. The stakes are high here, on both sides of the aisle.

Yeah, no kidding. And speaking of social problems - ready to talk about Bright?

[ Will takes in a breath and visibly prepares himself, watching Shaw's face carefully. ]

Sure. What about him?

We kind of got into it. Again. He's probably going to come to you - if he hasn't already - and try to get you to fix things, or "translate" for him, or-- whatever.

[She pulls in a deep breath of her own, her eyes rolling up to focus on the ceiling.]

My answer right now is no. There's only one track to fixing things with me, and that's recognizing that I'm a person, not a set of interesting psychological data points that he's owed access to. And recognizing that interaction is a two-way street, and that as a person, me saying "I don't like how you talk to me" isn't the same thing as, I dunno, spitefully withholding a toy he wants to play with. If he won't do that, and right now he won't - that's a nonstarter with me.

[ Will's eyebrows raise as she speaks... then raise some more. By the time she finishes, he's staring at a dog (Winston) and appears focused on petting. ]

Okay.

[Shaw is quiet for a moment, studying him; then she guesses--]

You think I shouldn't give up on him.

[It's honestly something she's been wondering herself.]

[ Will lets out a quiet sigh, the breath blowing out of him like a balloon. ]

I think...it might not be worth it to either of you to keep trying, actually.

And I also think you've read him entirely wrong.

[Ah.]

I don't... think he's incapable of seeing people as people. I know he sees you as a person. I'm not calling him a monster, Graham.

[ Will laughs, and it's a bitter thing. Tired. ]

That's not what I'm talking about.

...you know, I listened to your whole conversation. Because you're right, Malcolm's already made it to me. He was ready to give up, too, and so I think that's why he shared. He wanted to know what he was doing wrong.

And I know I'm missing the foundation that this one was built on, but I didn't notice Malcolm not recognizing you as a person. When did that happen?

If a person who you actually want to be friends with tells you that how you treat them doesn't work for them, you make an effort to change that. If you don't care about changing that - and he made it clear that he doesn't - that means they either don't matter to you as much as you claim they do, or you don't fully see them as a person. And I know I matter to him. But the fact that he won't even try to shift his MO, as well as a couple other things he said, make it clear that I only matter to him as an interesting puzzle. He's not apathetic towards me. He just kinda thinks my wants are irrelevant, at least compared to his own.

[ Will's brow knots, because yeah, this is where he was lost before. ]

Why do you think he's not making an effort? Why do you think he's made it clear that he's not making an effort? Because there are parts of his personality he can't change? Because he's telling you as much?

He can't change how he thinks and feels. But anybody can change how they act, Graham, especially if they're being given step-by-step instructions on how to do that.

Yeah, it's called 'masking.' He did it for ten years at the FBI, and it probably contributed to his current state of emotional dysfunction.

You could do that, too, I bet. Be kind and pleasant and not give him panic attacks every time you talk. But you don't. Is that you not making an effort?

Okay, I'm gonna ask you the same thing I asked him; what the hell do you think I was doing for ninety percent of that conversation?

I think you were trying. I think you were both trying, very very hard.

[ He gestures outward as he speaks, shaking his head. ]

And you kept missing each other, just by a hair. He was trying to be completely earnest with you and getting called uncooperative and lectured for his troubles- you were trying to communicate your discomfort and getting met with what you perceived was a brick wall.

[ He frowns, then looks upward at the ceiling, letting out a sigh. ]

You both got close to starting to figure each other out, but then you got too frustrated and quit. And you insulted him on the way out.

[Shaw blows out a sharp breath, leaning forward and pinching the bridge of her nose.]

You're right, I shouldn't've lost my temper.

You shouldn't have. But if you were really at your limit, then...that's how it is. I know it can be difficult for either of you to disengage. [ He sighs. ] I don't know, maybe you both would benefit from some time just not forcing anything for awhile.

It's really easy for me to disengage with social things, Graham. You said a couple months ago that you were surprised I was still putting up with him - it wasn't because I was taking the easy road.

[She sighs too, breaking eye contact again to focus on Bear as he finally comes padding over to them, sniffing Shaw before moving over to Will and the other dogs.]

But like I said, I'm done, unless he decides he's going to make a change in how he talks to me. And he's made it pretty clear that that's not gonna happen.

[ Will's eyes narrow briefly as Shaw talks about 'disengagement', but she continues on to reiterate her statement. He's actually not sure if she means it as judgmental as it sounds coming out, or if he's reading into it because he's too close.
But it doesn't matter.

He looks at the floor, face blank other than his usual level of mild exhaustion showing through. ]

All right, then.

Graham-- I don't get what's going on here; isn't this what you just said you thought was a good idea?

I did.

[ He says it with a whoosh of breath outward that's not quite a sigh. ]

And I think it might be good for Malcolm to learn how to let something go, himself. Realize when a relationship is more effort than it's worth. So it'll probably be better for both of you.

Guess it's more- I wish you'd have let me actually help when things were happening, rather than sifting through the ashes of both your escalations.

How could you have helped, if the problem isn't communication and understanding?

[ Dryly: ] I never said the problem wasn't communicating. The problem might be a way you both communicate that's extremely difficult to fix.

There were several points in the conversation I listened to that included an intuitive leap from one of you, something that wasn't true of the other. Maybe these had been addressed in previous conversations, but I doubt they all were. If I had the opportunity to step in and ask for clarification, I bet the whole thing wouldn't have turned into...that mess.

Okay.

[Shaw rubs at her temples with both thumbs, closing her eyes.]

We could. Try again. But, Will, if the end result of all this is you thinking that Bright shouldn't have to make any adjustments in how he acts because masking sucks or whatever--

I don't think you're noticing the adjustments he's already making to try and accommodate you. The amount he's trying not to deduce and assume things. He is making an effort.

And he didn't see your adjustments...although you did a good job pointing them out. That might've helped.

I don't know if it did.

[She says, lifting her head again to look at Will.]

But-- yeah. Okay. We can try again.

[ He gives her the barest of smiles, but it's more than he's had for a bit. ]

Okay. I'll let him know, see if he's still interested. But neither of you has to force it. Just...call me if it comes up again?

Shouldn't we arrange something instead? I was planning to just not engage him socially, so nothing was really going to "come up".

Maybe if we'd tried this when it was first suggested. Now? Malcolm's not had the best luck with 'arranged meetings.'

Besides, on this boat? We all run into each other some time or another. Trust me, it'll probably happen eventually. But I'll float the idea his way and see what he thinks.

Just seems like waiting to stumble into something again is the worse idea, but--

[She shrugs, and repeats:]

Okay.

[ Will shakes his head. ]

Might be. But as long as you're bringing me in on it, you're trying something different.

[ He feels better, having that settled. He lets his shoulders slump a little. ]

That was everything about Malcolm, right? We can sit around and pet some dogs now?

[ Like they haven't been doing that this whole time. ]

Please.

[Shaw says gratefully - and with that, she's just going to flop onto the couch and close her eyes.]

[ Oh, thank goodness. They're both exhausted now. Will is quiet for a few minutes, making sure Buster gets some extra attention. But eventually he'll raise his voice again. ]

Did you know Iris can speak to dogs?

[ If Shaw is zoning out, he won't bother her further. But this popped up in his mind. ]

Yeah?

[She hadn't known. But--]

I guess that doesn't surprise me. Does she do it with her weird touch thing? Maybe she'll be able to tell me if Bear's okay.

[ Will nods. ]

I'm sure she could. She's talked to Winston- all my dogs, really. Apparently, dogs are usually pretty wary around werewolves. She's managed to calm them all down about it.

[ Which is great, because otherwise this whole werewolf thing might've been a complete no-go. ]

[Shaw is quiet for a moment, processing this new bit of information. As adaptable as she is as a general rule, she often struggles with having things sprung on her that can stick in her unreality craw: and not only are those things plentiful on the Barge, but people also tend to talk about them like they're nothing, either because they've been onboard for so long that they're used to them or because they come from worlds where they truly are nothing. But Will's way of speaking helps: the slower lead-up, the introductory Did you know.

She is, she decides, fine.]

... What did they tell her? In general, not just about the werewolf thing.

[On arrival in port, right after this.]

I hear there's a forest. I need to run. Will you come with me? Can you take my clothes?

Of course. I'll bring a pack with clothes and something to snack on.

[ It's Twizzlers. He's started making sure he always has some in his cabin, for when Malcolm appears and needs something comforting. ]

How're you feeling?

Did you see Eiffel's network post?

I did. I assume things went private after what I saw.

Did he get nasty again? [ No, Eiffel wouldn't take anything private. ] Or-- Neal intervened.

Edited 2023-09-14 23:52 (UTC)

Neal intervened. He didn't want me to look like the bully when most people don't know why I would say rude things to the loveliest sassmaster on the Barge.

When I heard his voice asking for sympathy for his pain this morning, I wanted to put a kitchen knife through my phone. Does that make me a bad person? That I hope he's suffering, quaking under his bed, over the blue star right now?

I mean, I can't say I'd be upset if he were to have a week of being terrified and lonely.

But I'm also an inmate, so...

[ He shrugs, packing up a bag, before looking at the camera with seriousness. ]

I don't think you're a bad person, Malcolm. I think you're a good person who's been kicked around a few times too many. And you're having a hard time reconciling things.

I’m still salvageable if I didn’t want to put the knife through his stupid face, right?

I think you'd still be salvageable even if you did. Look at me- apparently the Admiral still thinks I'm salvageable, so you're just fine.

No worries, okay? [ Small, encouraging smile. ] I love you. We'll go run, you can get all your restless revenge-energy out in a real forest.

[“I love you”, he says, and the twist of pain and anger seems to melt off Malcolm’s face some.]

I’ll meet you to disembark?

See you soon.

[ He doesn't take long, having packed an extra couple of (his own) shirts, just in case Malcolm wants a bit of an emotional security blanket. He's also got the money he was given, just in case they decide to do anything after the forest. He pats his dogs and tells them to 'be good,' even if neither of them need the instruction any longer.

And he's up on the deck shortly, looking out on the docking ring sweeping over them. It's certainly a different view. ]

[Malcolm is waiting for him, already a wolf, holding a note in his mouth. It says ‘Can you get my money out of my pants on the floor of my office?’ He also wants to have it in case he has time to do some shopping before coming back here. But wolves don’t have pockets.]

[ Will laughs, surprised, at seeing Malcolm's wolf form on deck. He takes the note and glances at it before smiling and patting Malcolm briefly on the head. ]

I'll grab your stuff, sure. I hadn't thought you'd be changed already. Good idea.

[ It doesn't take him long, and he folds the clothes neatly before putting them in his backpack. The money goes in a separate spot, under the rest of it- might as well make pickpocketers go through his whole damn bag if they're going to try and swipe cash.

Before they head off the Barge, Will stops Malcolm in whatever way he needs to. He bends down so their faces are at the same height and just leans his forehead on the soft spot between Malcolm's ears. A interspecies hug, if you will. It's also a bit of calm before they both get into the station, before they start running. ]

I'm glad we're doing this. Let's go find that forest, eh?

[Malcolm’s tail wags and as Will stands up, he butts his leg gently with his head. He would love to.]

[ Will smiles in response and lightly scratches between Malcolm's shoulder blades before they get moving. They disembark and there's some navigation and more time in the inter-ring elevators than either of them would care for. But it's kind of worth it to make it as far out from everything as possible.

As they finally step out, the enormity of the outer ring hits Will, as does the lower gravity. The forest is more normal-looking than he expected, even with the occasional too-big salamander noticeable on a tree.

Will takes in a deep breath and lets it out. ]

...wow.

[Malcolm looks up at Will and tippy-taps restlessly. Running time? Time to run?]

[ At the sight of Malcolm bouncing, Will lets out a happy gutteral yell that could sound like a 'yeah,' if one was attempting to put a word to it.

Before he's even stopped yelling, he's taken off from their spot next to the elevator, onto a mostly-cleared path. Malcolm will surely be faster than he is, he won't mind if Will gets a bit of a head start, right? ]

[He loves it in fact. He races after Will, nipping playfully at his heels as he catches up.]

[ Will should probably be more concerned about a wolf- even one that's a friend in shifted form- nipping at his heels.

But he isn't. It's Malcolm, after all. They're only having fun. And maybe there isn't a sun above them, but there are sun-like lights, and the forest itself is very real. And Will feels almost like he's floating with this gravity. He laughs as Malcolm easily catches up and keeps pace with him. ]

Go on, I know you wanna...

[ He's nearly breathless as he says it, but he knows Malcolm can speed ahead. Will wants to see it. ]

[Malcolm likes running with Will, too. Being near him. Smelling his presence. He looks up, sidelong, tilting his head a little. But he only sees exhilaration in Will’s eyes. Encouragement. Excitement. He headbutts Will’s leg - though not hard enough to throw him off his stride - then takes off ahead, jumping over branches and dodging around trees like a grey blur.]

[ Will actually lets out a real whoop as Malcolm takes off. He runs a little further ahead. But he eventually slows down to lean, hands on his knees, as he watches the grey blur zoom in between trees and through the rough.

They'll have plenty of time to run together soon, but seeing Malcolm use his energy and power to its fullest extent is all sorts of satisfying, too. His dogs are fast, but this is something else. He laughs happily as he walks in the vague direction of Malcolm, ready to get sideswiped or approached again at any time. ]

[Malcolm does, indeed, lose him, then has to double back and pick up his scent again. Then he spies him and dashes out of the brush to jump straight at his chest with the aim of tackling him onto his back.]

[ Malcolm surprises him and Will lets out a noise somewhere between a laugh and a yelp as he indeed falls backwards. He hits the dirt without too much trouble, and- wow, wolves are quite large, aren't they? He notices as Malcolm's paws seem to engulf his shoulders entirely.

He grins. ]

You got me.

[Malcolm hunkers down on him, shifting back so he can rest his chin on Will’s chest and look up at his face.]

[ Will smiles back at him, looking slightly shy. And he reaches up as much as he can to encompass Malcolm in a hug. ]

Just remember, you're not always going to have such an easy time of it...

[ He says it fondly, as he rubs at what he can reach of Malcolm's chest and back. ]

You really are beautiful in both your forms, you know.

[In what is both a very Wolf and Man Malcolm gesture, he tilts his head before leaning it into one of those scritches. A little rest for a moment. The best kind before he carefully - almost gingerly - lifts himself off of Will and headbutts his leg.

Come on. He wants to show you something.]

[ Will can see the wolf and the human in Malcolm at all times, it feels, but he always loves it when he sees some sort of tic or behavior on both versions. The scritches continue happily until Malcolm moves.

He's sitting up by the time Malcolm headbutts his leg- and being well-versed in the language, Will smiles and starts pushing himself up to his feet. ]

All right, all right. What's up?

[Malcolm dashes off in the direction he’d come from, but not so quickly that Will can’t keep up.

He leads him through the forest until the space ahead of them opens up into a pond and Malcolm wades right, watching the water, then ducking his head in before running back to Will with a fish in his mouth, not clutched tightly enough to kill it. Its tail flicks. He sets it down at Will’s feet and then looks up at him, pleased with himself. Look! Fishing!]

[ Will follows until they find the pond. Just as he's realizing there's signs of fish in it, Malcolm grabs one out of the water like he's at a grocery store. Will stares at the flopping fish with an almost disbelieving chuckle. ]

That- that was amazing! Perfect form, and it's... [ It's still flopping around on the ground. ] Oh, we're gonna have a good time here.

You mind if I throw it back in? I assume that's why you were so careful.

[Malcolm looks at him, then points his snoot towards the pond. Yes. Put it back in. Please.]

[ Will wouldn't have minded making a trophy dinner out of it, but he knows that's not really how Malcolm thinks about these things. So he nods and scoops up the fish, sliding it back into the water with a practiced hand at these things.

It's nice to watch them slip away back into the darkness of the water, too. ]

I would've figured the fish would be more...farmed, here. Nice to know there's some wild ones.

[Malcolm tippy taps a little. He's excited. He made a good find, right? Will's happy.]

Yeah, this is great.

[ Will is very happy. It's the sort of place he'd imagine if he needed an escape. He finds a flat rock close by and stands on it, looking over the pond. ]

I'll mark this place down. We can come back and fish. And I could get your help with catch-and-release...we could collect some of these in our Barge pond, too.

[ After Will's fishing lesson, it's been in slight need of restocking. ]

[Malcolm dances to the edge of the pond and back. He agrees. He might have to be a human again for that, though. He looks up at Will. What does he want to do now?]

[ Will stares at the pond for a long moment before looking over to see Malcolm staring at him. He chuckles. ]

I was drifting again, huh? Let's see what else we can find. C'mon?

[ It's phrased as a question, but Will kicks off the rock and starts running again. This is more the pace he'd take with his dogs, not the flat-out run-for-your-life dash he tried before, but he has to go slower to avoid rocks and twigs.

There's a whole lot of open woods here. They could run through the whole port and still not see it all. If feels freeing. ]

[Malcolm dashes after him, to run alongside Will, at his pace, tongue hanging out.]

[ They run for a long while, coming across a stream and another pond along the way, a couple of small hills and- this is a lot more like real nature than Will expected. Maybe not all of it is the nature he's used to, but he loves it.

He finally stops in a little clearing, after having to fight his way through a blackberry bush that he didn't see. He breathes heavily as he leans down, hands on his knees, then rolls to a seat on the grass. ]

Damn...it just keeps going! [ He says it with a laugh in his breathless voice. ] Should've packed a lunch...

[As soon as Will sits, Malcolm flops down beside him and rests his head in Will's lap. When Will mentions lunch Malcolm lifts his head and tilts it back towards the last stream with a faint questioning whine: want him to get you a fish?]

[ Will looks at Malcolm's wolfy face for a moment, then chuckles. ]

Nah, but thank you for the offer. I'd rather eat with you, and I didn't bring anything to cook it besides. You feeling ready to shift again yet, or would you rather stay like this for a while?

[ He strokes his hand over Malcolm's head while he says this. It is a comfortable way to rest. ]

I did bring some Twizzlers, for when you have human tastebuds again.

[Malcolm sets his head back in Will's lap, but when he mentions the Twizzlers, his ears perk up. Maybe he'll be a person again for a bit. Will did bring clothes....

His eyes close halfway as Will strokes his head.

In a minute or two. Or five.]

[ Will chuckles quietly, content to sit here and relax for a bit. He's still catching his breath a little, anyway.

He listens to the sound of life in the trees and watches an octopus climb and slide silently over the branches nearby, stalking a salamander twice its size. Undoubtedly weird, but still oddly natural.

He keeps petting Malcolm's head and can feel his own eyes drooping a bit after a couple minutes. ]

[That just makes Malcolm feel better about letting his eyes slide closed, focusing all his keen hearing on the comforting steady sound of Will’s heartbeat.

Until something grabs him around the neck and yanks him back. A strangled yelp manages to escape him before he can’t make sound anymore and he writhes, trying to grapple for a swipe at whatever has him, but he can’t reach it with claws or teeth.]

[ The yelp both pulls Will out of his doze and makes his heart drop down to his stomach. He's up on his feet instantly, reaching for his gun before he even sees that the octopus apparently decided that a wolf would be its next target.

Will's not exactly versed with shooting octopi and regrets not taking Shaw up on her offer for a 'safety' knife, silly as it sounded. So instead of backing up and getting a bead, he presses the barrel against the octopus' head, tilts it up, and fires.

A surprisingly strong tentacle grips his wrist, but there's nothing at the other end commanding it anymore. Instead, it's just a mass of rubbery flesh and blue blood, exploded outward.

Will finally lets himself breathe and starts untangling things. ]

I got it. Damn, your ears...are you okay?

[He whines as he shakes to help Will unwrap him. The shot so close did indeed hurt his ears, but he can breathe again and once freed he curls himself around Will’s legs.]

[ Will works on the tentacles, and they get increasingly easier to pull off over time. Once he's gotten them all, he flings the carcass as far away from them as he can. Then he gets to gently rubbing over Malcolm's ears. ]

I'm so sorry, sweetheart. I shouldn't have dozed off. I didn't have anything else on me.

[ He rubs Malcolm's back, only not hugging him because Malcolm's currently too wrapped around him to allow it. ]

Thank god the gun went off, at least. I couldn't remember if it only worked when there was danger or when I was in danger.

[ He rubs the ears again, and will go back and forth until they both feel a little more calm. ]

[After a few moments, Malcolm shuffles back a little bit and changes, still a little wide-eyed and flush from the adrenaline, but as soon as he’s bipedal again, he throws his arms around Will’s neck and breathes him in from human height, gasping a little when he speaks.]

Are you okay?

[ Will wants to keep his hands on him while Malcolm changes, but it's not really a doable with everything shifting so much. Will waits impatiently, fingers tapping his own thight, and he hugs Malcolm tightly as soon as he's human again. ]

I'm okay, I'm fine. Can't believe one of those things thought it could eat a wolf... Are your ears still ringing? Did it bite you?

[ His eyes are worried as he pulls back just enough to try and make an assessment of Malcolm's current state from his face. ]

[Malcolm touches his ear gingerly, but it doesn’t hurt.]

It hurt and they rang for a couple of minutes but the healing must be kicking in.

[He looks at Will.]

Can I have one of your shirts?

[And maybe some pants, but second. He doesn’t have fur to keep him warm now.]

Of course...

[ Right, clothes. They're not far from his backpack- he'd hand over the one he's wearing, but it's splattered with blue blood and octopus goo, which is probably not the best for Malcolm's nose. So he pulls out another of his own shirts from his bag, and also the remaining clothes that Malcolm had in his office.

He knows Malcolm, though, and hands the shirt over first. ]

Here you go.

[He pulls the shirt on hastily, glancing up at the tree branches around them, in case anything else is lurking up there.]

It wasn't your fault you know. [He reaches for his underwear and pants and starts pulling them on.] Falling asleep. I could have smelled it or heard it. I wasn't paying attention. I liked being comfortable for a minute, too.

[ There isn't anything in the branches right now. Not after that gunshot. It's a smart idea on behalf of the wildlife, too, as Will would probably shoot anything that looked like it was coming near. ]

Yeah. It was nice.

[ He gives Malcolm an extremely tired smile. ]

I should've remembered that neither of us can stay hurt, but- [ He shakes his head. ] I guess it didn't matter when it comes to you.

[Doing up his pants, Malcolm pauses and looks up at him.]

It wouldn't matter if it happened to you, either. It cures hurt but not dead. That thing could have snapped my neck or choked me to death before it let go and the healing wouldn't have saved me then. [He leans up to press a tender kiss to Will's mouth.] You saved me.

Edited 2023-09-19 19:57 (UTC)

[ Will takes the kiss as his eyes flutter shut. His breathing starts to even out. ]

I'm glad I could.

[ He looks around at the beautiful scenery and pulls Malcolm into another hug. ]

We're gonna have to start remembering that we tend to find the dangerous places. Even if we feel safe together.

Maybe we should go to the... shopping part for a bit. Get a cup of coffee or something.

[Speaking into Will's shoulder; fingers fidgeting at a button on his shirt.]

That sounds good. Think I saw an elevator tube not too far from here.

[ They were the only things that stood out as obviously not alive. ]

Let's head to the guest ring. We can find someplace a little quieter, maybe.

[ That being said, he's not going to move Malcolm from being attached to him. He'll let Malcolm decide when he's ready for that. ]

[When Malcolm does let go, he grabs his boots and pulls them on, then grabs Will’s hand. He still wants to be close.]

Maybe they have some sort of sorbet.

[Right after this but before Wolfening.]

Hey, just an FYi that Shaw has been doing self-prescribed civic clean up in the docking ring, apparently, and today she got shot. She’s okay. She’s with Root in their hotel room. But just in case you wonder why she comes back after with a hole in her.

[ That actually pulls out a bark of a laugh from him. ]

Of course she has been. There was no way she was going to just leave all that crime there completely unfought.

Did Root call you? Did they- wait, doesn't Shaw have Gaius' healing?

Root wasn’t with her. She was walking up to me and these guys pulled guns on us. I guess she thought the guy I was talking to looked suspicious. I took her to a clinic she asked for where they recognized her, then dropped her off with Root.

She was cagey about the healing. She eventually told me that she will only use it if she’s going to actually die.

Wait- you're-

Are you okay? They didn't hit you, or shoot you, did they? Did they hurt you at all?

[ His voice is growing quiet and cold. ]

This guy knifed me in the leg, but I took the knife out of my leg and put it in his lung.

Good.

[ He takes a breath instead of continuing, because that was about to get very nasty. ]

Guess that guy was suspicious. Did any of those guys get out? Are they going to be looking for you or Shaw?

Not if they have any baseline brain functions. They’re hurt worse than she is.

Okay. [ He takes a breath- which catches, and he disappears for a moment. ]

Sorry, Shaw called. You okay, otherwise? And she's...patched up?

Patched up and Root has her on lockdown.

Listen… I have to go pick something up but then… can I come see you? Where are you?

I trust Root to keep her there. Okay.

And of course you can. I'm back on the Barge, checking in on Winston and Buster and Jax. I was bringing some supplies on board, but I should be all done with that now. I can find someone to let me out if you want to meet somewhere on the station, though.

Oh. No! I’ll meet you on the Barge. Your cabin or mine. Whichever you want.

Let's go to your cabin? I feel like I haven't seen it enough this week. Even though I've been over there plenty...

Well, I like you in my cabin, so… I’ll see you there.

[ And so Will is waiting in Malcolm's cabin, sitting on a bar stool and leaning back on the kitchen counter. He watches the front door as it opens, smiling at Malcolm as soon as he has the chance. ]

Welcome back.

Malcolm meets that smile with one of his own. He has a package under his arm, but he deposits it on the counter for the moment, in favour of wrapping his arms around Will to squeeze him tight. Francis already intercepted him to change his stabbed, bloody pants. There’s no physical sign he was in a fight. He gives Will a kiss before drawing back.

“I missed you all day,” he says, though he went to the station without him on purpose. To find him a gift.

He picks up a solid, shiny black box and hands it to Will. Inside he’ll find a device that looks like a particularly sleek helmet with an opaque visor built in.

Will accepts the hug readily, humming happily as Malcolm tells him he missed him. "I missed you, too. Although I'm sure we both had chores to-"

That's when he sees the box. "This is for me?" He raises an eyebrow and opens it. He pulls out the helmet and starts looking it over carefully. He had his own little something to give Malcolm, but the smaller black box rests forgotten on the counter as he looks over the helmet.

He thinks he might know what it's for, but he goes with his least likely suspect as a joke. "You bought me a motorcycle? I dunno...might be kind of hard to ride it in the Barge..." He smirks a little as he looks hopefully back up to Malcolm. Tell him what this does, please?

"It's like..." He's almost giddy but has to search for the right words. "It's like a sensory deprivation tank, except it's portable! I mean. It gives you the same experience as a sensory deprivation tank. But you can use it anywhere. If you're overwhelmed."

Edited 2023-09-21 17:05 (UTC)

He breaks into a grin, hearing about it. "I was wondering if it was something like that. That's perfect. Maybe it'll even help me 'reset' some when I've been on the Barge too long."

The breaches 'helped,' as far as that went, and he's definitely found some respite here in Malcolm's cabin. But a total void? Maybe his brain can finally work out some of the twists and turns it's got this way.

He gives Malcolm a small, mischievous smile, then puts the helmet on. Got to test just how heavy a dark and quiet it gives him, right? He won't be long, honest. Hell, even just not having to worry about whatever expression he's been wearing while he zones out might be nice.

Malcolm watches with gleeful enthusiasm, not moving to turn off the lights or anything. Best to see how it works in a normal room.

One hand fidgets on the edge of the counter, his whole frame eager with anticipation.

It works better than Will expected, although being on the Barge had made him forget the extent of the technology on the station a bit. It's dark and silent and he can barely even feel anything, somehow. After about half a minute, Will tentatively reaches up and pulls it off, blinking like he'd just come out of a tunnel.

"You should try that sometime," Will recommends, setting it on the counter. "But while sitting. I get the feeling that after a few minutes, you'd lose all sense of up and down." His eyes focus on Malcolm and he breaks into a grin, before reaching out to pull Malcolm into another hug. "Now I can take a break anytime. I love it," he says into Malcolm's ear, before kissing just under it. "Thank you."

"I'm so glad you like it," Malcolm tells him, holding him tight. "I knew they had to have things that we wouldn't be able to get at home."

"You were right," Will replies contentedly. "I just never would've thought to look for something like that. It's so thoughtful."

He pulls back enough to kiss him, then gives him a sheepish smile. "I got you something too, but I don't know if I should be trying to follow this up."

"You got me something?" The only person who'd ever given him gifts that weren't obligations was Gil.

Not counting his dad in the Before Times.

"What is it?" he asks eagerly, bouncing a little on the balls of his feet, even still in Will's grasp.

Will laughs, looking down towards the counter. He kind of has to now, doesn't he? Maybe he should've waited until Malcolm noticed the box.

He sort of wishes he had three hands now, though. He somehow manages to reach for the box with one arm without letting entirely go of their hug. It takes a firm grasp on Malcolm's upper arm for a moment, but it works.

He comes back with a small box, with a small thing inside. Will bites his lip as he watches Malcolm open it.

Malcolm opens the box and his eyes widen a little. He looks up at Will.

“This is a ring.”

Thank you, Captain Obvious. He takes it carefully out of the box, like it’s made of something that will crumble or evaporate if he handles it too roughly.

“It’s beautiful,” he breathes. He looks from the finish - gold showing through the cracks, like him - to Will with wonder. “How is this less big than what I got you?” he says, almost accusing, clutching it in his palm to his chest before putting his hand out so he can open it and look at the ring again.

"I-" His words catch in his throat and he swallows them down. "I wasn't sure how you'd take it. But I couldn't let the chance to get something pass me by. Try it on? I was guessing on the size." He'd needed to check before they left port, in case he has to exchange it.

As Malcolm (hopefully) does that, Will continues. "It's made out of a meteorite that got past the defense barrier and scratched the station. Apparently, that's 'lucky,'" he adds with a small smile. "Malcolm, this is a promise, from me to you. I will be by your side as much and as long as I can be. I'm not-"

He half-smiles, then shakes his head, feeling like he's messing this up but continuing anyway. "I'm only not proposing because I'm still stuck here. As soon as I'm free, you better be ready for me. But with everything I do have, right now, I'm with you. Okay?"

Malcolm slides it on his finger and then alternates between looking at it on his finger and looking at Will’s face with the same dopey, charmed expression. When Will finishes, Malcolm holds his gaze, nods, then gives him a gentle, lingering kiss.

“If you were asking me, I’d say yes.” A beat and a crooked smile. “And Shaw would kill us both. But I don’t care about that or whether you’re free. I’m with you.” He nods and his fingers move restless along seams and stitches on Will’s shirt. “And I love it. Thank you.” He kisses him again. “Thank you.”

"Shaw's gonna kill me anyway when she sees that ring," Will says with a chuckle, before Malcolm kisses him and thanks him again. Will leans into it, feeling warm and loved.

But it wasn't just Shaw that was keeping him from making this a more normal proposal. And so, he reluctantly pulls back, just enough to look Malcolm in the eye. He takes both of Malcolm's hands in his own. "It's not just that I'm stuck. It's the way I'm stuck. I'm still on the ferry with Charon, waiting to see which side of the river he leaves me on. I...don't want to even think about it, I know neither of us does- but I could disappear from this place. But I- if I exist, no matter where or how, I'll pass through whatever universal barriers I need to in order to find my way back to you. To where I feel at home."

He feels a little bad, because this is quite heavy to lay at someone's feet all of a sudden. He and Malcolm talk about serious topics all the time, but broaching the topic of the future is a little more difficult for both of them. Still. He wants Malcolm to know he's going into this with clear eyes, and with an unshakeable resolve.

Malcolm doesn’t try not to have emotions around Will. It isn’t even an instinct when they’re together anymore, trying to clamp down on them. Several cross his face, but he holds his gaze.

“If you don’t find me, I’ll find you,” he finally says, quiet but firm. “I can find you. I can go anywhere. If you can’t get back, then I’ll come for you.”

Will watches, quietly. He's not sure, for a short while, if maybe he brought this up too early. But they're both used to hard truths, and working through them. It's far easier to do so when they're together.

Malcolm's decision- not just bracing for the worst-case scenario but deciding to fight it- honestly surprises Will. It shouldn't, but it does. That someone other than the worst monster he knows would do that for him...there's a flash of vulnerability that breaks through the determination in his eyes, and he feels a little like crying. He smiles instead, pulling up Malcolm's hand so he can kiss his knuckles gently.

"I'd like that. We'll find each other then, fate and universal barriers be damned." He meets Malcolm's eyes once more. And when they kiss again, he feels like he's kissing the cosmos. Light and energy pour through them both. "And God help anyone that tries to get between us," he murmurs happily against Malcolm's lips.

You're not killing any gangsters for Bright. If this port is the same length as the last one was, we're leaving tomorrow; you won't have time.

Besides, they ended the encounter way more messed up than us; Bright might've killed a couple. Which probably isn't going to be great for his long-term mental health.

Maybe it would've been better for his mental health if he didn't have to back you up, in that case.

[ It's snapped- the timing is bad, and he hasn't had a chance to calm down yet. ]

Why aren't you getting Gaius' healing? When you pushed it so hard on me? You really think you're going to be able to tell when you're just about to die?

I didn't start a fight and pull him into it, Graham. He was down in the black market, trying to buy something from a bad guy I'd been keeping an eye on. I showed up right when the guy pulled a gun on him.

[ He's quiet as he processes that. He lets out a heavy sigh. That does sound like Malcolm. ]

...thank you for helping him. Sorry, I just...wish I'd been there.

How're you feeling?

I'm fine. I wish he'd taken off when I'd told him to.

Would you have gotten less hurt if he did, you think?

Either the same, or more. He was good backup, even though I wish he'd just saved himself instead.

I'm not-- he's not a soldier. Even though he can fight, he's the kind of person I protect, not the kind of person I go into battle with.

Yeah.

All the same...he doesn't let people get hurt. Especially not by other people. There was no way he was going to leave you. He just doesn't have a soldier-civilian mentality.

Even though I would've been fine. Even though if I'd killed a gangster, it wouldn't affect me the way it affected him.

-- I could try to find out if they all survived.

You could. But honestly? It might not matter to him.

[ He sighs slightly. ]

I actually don't know if he's to have a rough time with maybe-killing some people who were threatening you both. Probably best to not focus on details, regardless.

Okay.

But, seriously - no revenge-murder either way, okay?

Yeah...I got it.

[ He manages not to audibly sigh. You never let him have any fun, Shaw! ]

Thanks.

... I pushed the healing hard on you because I wanted to protect you. Would've been okay with it if you'd said no, but I'm glad you didn't.

That does make sense. And it makes sense that it...makes you uncomfortable, too. It clashes with my idea that no one I care about should get hurt, that's all.

...and yes, I'm aware that's unrealistic. Especially here. But I still feel how I feel about it.

But I'm fine. I need to rest for a couple days--

[The doctor said a couple weeks, Shaw.]

-- but that's it.

A couple days, for getting shot? Did it just graze you?

[ Someone has been shot too many times to not be a bit skeptical about it. But hey, Malcolm does blow things out of proportion sometimes...usually emotions, though.... ]

[Well, she's not going to lie to him, so--]

Got me pretty bad. But I'm good at walking wounded.

[ Will sighs a bit, but he's smiling to himself as he does. She could've told him it was future tech and he'd have believed it. But she didn't. ]

You don't need to walk wounded right now, you know. No emergencies going on, for once. But I imagine staying put is tough for you.

I'm glad you're relatively okay.

Port's probably almost over, anyway.

[So she figures she won't be missing much.]

I'm hanging out on the balcony, taking in the sights. That's... nice too, I guess.

[On the Barge, it wouldn't have been something she paid much mind to, and it wouldn't have been before the Barge, either. Now, though, she's conditioned to appreciate almost anything that isn't their lovely, disorienting trashboat.]

[True to her word, once the wolfination happens, Shaw keeps to her promise to keep a close eye on Will. Outside of the patrols they'd already been doing together, she conforms her schedule to fit his rather than the other away around: not restricting his movements or activities, and not necessarily interacting any more than usual, but nevertheless hanging around a lot every day, quietly observing.

This evening when she finds him out on deck, she's been absent for a few hours, and as she leans forward against the railing she jumps right into:]

So it's been, what, about two weeks? How's it going so far?

[ Will has been different. Not greatly so, but enough to notice. He moves with a purpose. He looks far less tired. He's more willing to head off on his own during patrols, and Shaw has probably had to call him back a couple of times.

He's been the same with his dogs, though- patient, content. Both Winston and Buster are out on the deck with him now, unleashed and sniffing around. Buster is still a little tense, which mostly comes out in the way he sticks fairly close to Winston. Which means they both come over to Shaw as she walks over. ]

Since I was turned? [ He never did get a particular term. ] It's going well. I only get a couple of hours a day, but I wasn't sure if I'd be able to change at all. I'm still getting used to the heightened senses. I'm not getting as overwhelmed as I expected.

[ After a moment, he concedes: ] Malcolm's present from Chiron II might be the main reason for that.

Oh, yeah?

[She asks, pulling away from the rail to half-face him.]

What'd he get you?

A sensory deprivation helmet. I'm sure most people would hate that, but he knew it would be perfect for me. Gives me a break from the Barge whenever I need one.

I have no idea how it works, but it does.

That's pretty cool. I wonder if I'd like it for the same reasons I like zero-g.

How often have you been using it?

Only when I'm feeling a strain. So...every other day, about? Five minutes to twenty minutes at a time. Any more and my mind comes up with its own things to focus on.

[ That is, he starts hallucinating, which is kind of the opposite of what he's going for. ]

The zero-g lets you rest, right? Sort of turn off for a bit?

It lets me... not be here for a while.

[Which isn't always something she feels she should indulge, but.]

Or when the emptiness is particularly strong, it lets the rest of me float in nothingness as much as my insides.

Sounds like we are using them for similar reasons, then. Sort of a means to relax and reset. This environment isn't what either of us would've chosen. You have to engage socially with people who will most certainly misundertand you and you spend a lot of your time talking. With me, it's the...pressure of this many personalities, all at once. And engaging socially.

You can give the helmet a try sometime, if you'd be interested. You might get the same sensations out of that.

[ It mostly depends on if she wants things to feel entirely empty or not. ]

I'd like that, actually.

You remember what Wildthyme told me before you turned, of things to look out for?

[ He nods in acknowledgement. Next time they end up at his cabin, he'll offer the helmet for her to try. The question gets a somewhat sheepish smile. ]

Not entirely, if I'm honest. Emotions'll run high, watch out for old grudges, go real easy on the alcohol. I feel like I'm missing something...

Mostly the old grudges thing, yeah. I'm thinking we start working on her suggestion to burn off steam in the Enclosure when you're at risk of that stuff starting to surface.

Right. That's a great idea. I've been taking Malcolm running in the fake woods a lot lately. But it'd probably be good to have some more...visceral outlets, for when I'm feeling frustrated. I'll have to think on what scenarios might work best...

[ But maybe he shouldn't introduce the topic of what he'd like to hunt right now. He looks over to Shaw, his expression curious. ]

How do you think I've been doing so far? Noticed anything worrying?

No. But you haven't come to me with any issues, which either means there haven't been any or you've been keeping quiet about them. Either option's possible; I figure anything can have a honeymoon period.

[She raises an eyebrow, the obvious follow-up question unspoken.]

[ Will chuckles briefly. ]

I suppose that's what you could call it. I've been doing my best to avoid Barge 'politics' and focus on enjoying my new state. The sensory deprivation helmet has been helping with that, too.

[ He tilts his head thoughtfully. ]

I'm not sure if my precautions have been working or if I'm actually a little better at handling these emotions, having dealt with calming wildly out-of-place emotions for decades now. Either way, I've been appreciating the transformations, the enhanced senses, and the fact that I don't seem nearly so tired all the time. I think I'm sleeping better?

[ He says that the same way someone would say 'I appear to have grown an extra toe.' That wasn't on his list of expected effects. ]

... Huh. That's good. Were you sleeping bad before, or--?

Always have, and it got worse when I started working for the FBI. I try to make up for it when I can, but there's only so many catnaps you can take while on a break.

Now I sometimes get five hours at once. That's pretty huge for me. I'm having less entirely sleepless nights, too.

I guess that'd was implied with being tired all the time. My, uh-- standards are pretty skewed.

You ever need a rest break while we're working, you tell me, got it?

Yeah? Okay.

I doubt it'll come up too much in the future. Our activities aren't exactly stressful in the way looking at dead bodies and pretending I killed them was.

Good. Because none of this - patrolling, keeping an eye on you, everything else - it's not supposed to be a punishment.

[ He smiles. ] I know. It's...prevention, more than anything else. Being careful.

I appreciate you being straightforward with me about it. ...even if 'straightforward' is your default state.

Mm, prevention and being careful, but also learning. Being a Will Graham expert is my job, yeah?

[ That actually gets a chuckle out of Will. ]

So many psychiatrists would've killed for that job, you know? Metaphorically.

...mostly metaphorically.

I love you. I didn’t say it last night.

I know it, whether you say it or not. I love you, too.

Did you manage to sleep at all?

Not really. I don’t understand what’s happening. Are you in trouble? You weren’t the aggressor. Johann cut Hilbert’s throat earlier in the week for torturing him and because Hilbert was the aggressor, they just let Johann go. And he has a history of murdering people on board just for fun. But this wasn’t that, so he’s not in trouble. Why are you in trouble?

If I were there, I'd do some breathing exercises with you.

I'm not in trouble. At least, I'm not in what I would consider to be trouble. Shaw is keeping a close eye on me because I was suddenly and wildly violent. I WAS the aggressor, Malcolm. Avalon didn't have a weapon and wasn't physically threatening me.

Verbal is different. Verbal threatening allows for time to let the people in charge do things. And as much as I pretend sometimes, that's not me.

[ That part's more for Shaw than Malcolm, admittedly. But it probably doesn't hurt Malcolm to hear it every so often. ]

Shaw is watching me to make sure I don't have a relapse, I imagine, but also to make sure Avalon doesn't have a chance to attack me. She's protecting me, too. She's not even restricting me, she's just going with me where I go.

And it's not forever. So calm down, okay? If you can. I do know that's tough for you.
But it'll be all right.

How long is she going to follow you everywhere?

I don't know. Until we get some things settled about the attack, I'm guessing.

We have to do this right if we're going to ask other people to do it right. Don't you think?

Yes. I’m just not sure this is right. You feel like it might be because of what you’ve done in the past. But Avalon tortured you. Continuing to lurk around is menacing. I’m not personally worried that it’s going to set you on a killing spree.

But it’s not my business. I’m not your Warden.

Do you think this is the right thing? Do you think you’re a danger to people here?

I think I could be. Especially because I've worked hard to get my emotions under control and they very much were not yesterday. I was frustrated, sure, but I can use my words. I'm very good at using my words.

So I don't know if this is exactly right, but I'd rather overdo it here. Especially since 'overdoing it' apparently means I don't have to sit in Zero for the week, and would never have meant the cages and restraints I've seen before.

I would rather be spending time with you, of course. But it's nice to have more than one person care. Even Reid cared.

People care because you’re a good person. You’re not a monster.

You’re a better person than I am. A lot of people think very highly of you.

[ It takes a bit for him to respond, because he's mostly just blinking at the screen. ]

Malcolm.

I'm not sure how you can possibly think that. The only potential way is if you're taking the blame for your dad's crimes, and in that case I also get Lecter's.

You can argue I'm a good person, that I'm not a monster, but there's no way to think I'm a BETTER person than you. We both have darkness, and we both have light. To try and compare beyond that is a futile effort.

People see something in you that makes them like you and they see something in me that makes them dislike me. That has to be... some intangible... something.

[Or he's tired and lonely and sad. It could be that.]

There is. It's the part of Hannibal that I absorbed, willing and not. Combine that with the general populace being glad someone REALLY gets them, and it's a toxic but attractive combo.

Unfortunately, almost no one wants someone to actually understand them as much as I do. The appreciation withers and dies. The respect crumbles. The accusations begin. I've had less of them since I started letting myself be actively manipulative, ironically. I've been trying not to do that here, but I don't know what stuck to me in my last days back home.

Anyway, that's the intangible something. It's not as useful as you might think. I'm sorry you're lonely right now, though. Just remember that it's not forever.

Let me know if she ever mentions HOW LONG. I don't think it's fair to put you on indefinite lockdown. Even people here who gleefully kill other people for fun know how long their sentence is when they go to Zero or get tucked into their Warden's guest room. Until Shaw Gets Tired Of Hovering could be NEVER.

She's going to want to get back to Root, you know. Especially since they got married last week. So I don't expect it'll be too long. Just try to think of it as me needing some more Barge detox time than usual. It's probably true.

And in the meantime, we'll still have some time together. I'm looking forward to the movie later.

You know, on a normal day I probably wouldn't see you until later anyway, but today 'later' feels like a million years away.

I got you a helmet to make Barge detox faster. If you put it on her, can you escape?

That's a joke, if she's reading over your shoulder, which I don't put past her.

I know. It feels different today. I was honestly expecting it to feel more different than it does, though. Like I'd wrecked the whole place, or my place in it.

I was actually going to try the helmet out later today, and she's going to give it a try sometime. Doubt she'd want to right now, but I'll offer. It has been helping me a lot, honestly.

[That actually noticeably (even in text) brings him up from his funk a little.]

It has? I'm so glad! Well. Your present is helping me too. By reminding me about you when you're not here.

I'm going to get some popcorn for tonight. What kind of soda do you like?

[ Yeah, it's pretty noticeable. And it makes Will smile. ]

Good. That was partly why I wanted you to have that ring. And yes, the helmet's been so helpful. Now I can just reset myself a little each day and not have to wait for a Breach to do it.

Popcorn sounds great. I'll take cola, or anything lemon-lime flavored. I like both.

Okay. I’ll see what they have in the commissary.

Did Shaw say anything about me after I left? Because when I walked out of your cabin last night, Iris was waiting for me. She said she smelled the blood but I think we can agree that Shaw messaged her, right? To deal with me.

No, I don't think so. We both pretty much passed out afterwards. She fell asleep before I did, but the melatonin did its work last night for me.

Iris is far more used to her nose than we are. I bet she smelled my blood- she's been around it before. My guess? She was coming to check on me and saw you on the way out, looking distraught.

[ Honestly? He's glad to hear it. He hopes she gave Malcolm some comfort. ]

So we’re believing that story?

[He did not believe it last night. She was comforting, but he never settled completely into it. But he trusts Will.]

She was kind. She walked me back to my cabin.

I'm believing that story, at least.

I used to be wary of her kindness, too. But everything I've seen and felt tells me it's genuine. She's like a golden retriever in humanoid form. She's also an alien that's been around for a very long time and has a lot more capacity than most people, from what I could tell.

[Learning Will also initially mistrusted it makes him feel less douchey. And he still trusts Will.]

I’ll try to… remember that. And also talk to her more.

[Shaw seems a small bit better today, particularly when the afternoon comes: she's still more distant from herself than usual, but she seems less weighed down. And when she looks up at Will as she tries (mostly unsuccessfully) to shoo a determined puppy away from playing with her boot laces, she actually looks him fully in the eye.]

So. Feeling like you can't defend yourself, and feeling like nobody's in your corner.

Edited 2023-10-15 21:08 (UTC)

[ Will glad to see the slight difference in Shaw today. The eye contact, the feeling of presence. He's not sure what changed. Maybe just having a real night with Root helped.

Will seems to be doing better too- although with him, it's more physically present. He has more color in his face. And him cradling a tired-out puppy in his arms doesn't hurt. ]

Ah. Right. That's sort of been an...on-going thing in my life. As you know. It seemed to be different here, but I have a much smaller amount of faith in other wardens than I do in you. And they have authority on their own inmates.

And how much faith do you have in Elim Rawne?

[She thinks she already knows the answer, but!]

I don't know who he is. Other than seeing the post he put up during the bug flood, where he happened to be drunk and rather pathetic.

Do you know anything more about him?

Uh-- kind of. More personally than professionally, which I know is a weird thing for me to say.

I think there's a chance he'll take this seriously.

[ He doesn't comment on 'personally'. Shaw is allowed to have training buddies.
And other buddies. Especially in this place, where they're all so strange. ]

Well, a chance is better than none, I suppose.

Yeah. I kinda snapped at him, but he's a soldier; he takes that kind of thing way better than Bright does. We'll keep talking about it.

[ Will nods, not looking disappointed, but not looking particularly hopeful, either. ]

I appreciate you keeping me informed about it. I...honestly don't know what I'd do, with someone like Avalon. So, I probably shouldn't be too judgmental with however he handles it.

You don't think that doing nothing because we don't know what to do and feel helpless to change things is what got us here?

...I do, but now I know that Avalon doesn't care about dying.

[ He looks up and gives Shaw a mirthless smile. ]

So my solution clearly didn't fix anything, either. In fact, it just caused a bunch of other problems, and now I'm exhausted.

[ It's something the puppies have helped, so it might not be as outwardly obvious as usual. He looks back down, watches the little one he's holding yawn. ]

Which is one of the many reasons why I'm not talking about trying out your solution again.

[A beat.]

Look, a lot's been going on, and if you need a break first because of that, that's fine. But last time, I let taking a proactive stance with Avalon slide off my radar because I thought they'd backed off. Wouldn't doing that again just make you feel more discouraged, defenseless, and unsupported?

...yeah, it would. But it's not my call to make. And I don't know what your plan is anyway. I-

I'm not sure what could even be done, at this point. They've attacked Hakkai, they've attacked John Doe. It's all been...quiet. We can't throw them off board and I don't think they have any emotions to appeal to. So what can be done?

I don't have a solid plan yet. I want to make a plan with you and Rawne, unless you'd rather not be involved. You don't have to.

I'm still planning to stay on Rawne's ass to make sure he's staying on Avalon's ass. I'm still planning to offer myself up as, uh-- behavior modification consultant, I guess.

Francis came to see me after you left. Shaw sent him. I’ve been putting the puzzle together. She sent several people to talk to me yesterday and Francis today and told them all the same wrong information about me. I don’t know how many others she told that haven’t spoken to me. I texted her and told her to call them off. I didn’t bother you or her yesterday. I had my mental breakdown quietly in my cabin except for the interference she sent. She texted me back to say she did it to calm me down. It’s not her fucking job to calm me down. Or to sandbag me as emotionally unstable to the point of unreliability to every Warden I work with. And I told her so not nicely, if it comes up.

I hope you can still come by tonight. I just couldn’t abide that. It might be impossible for me to work in counselling or on the committee doing the code of conduct if that sticks. It seems to be sticking. So much for having any respect. I guess I should have expected that to happen eventually. I AM a mess.

I’m sorry.

I love you.

I'll be there tonight. No reason not to be.

I don't think it'll stick, but let's talk about it tonight, okay? Unless it's really pressing. Because I agree, but I want details.

I can bring by some dinner tonight, if you want. We can have an early night in. And let me know if you want to go running before that.

I love you, too.

I would like to go running. Yes. And I should probably eat something besides Twizzlers and stale popcorn. So dinner with you would be lovely. And we can talk. Because I think I said things wrong, but I also don't think I am wrong, if that makes sense.

It makes sense to me.

And let's go running, then. I'm not sure if Shaw will want to be in the Enclosure for that.

[ So they might have some time on their own there, too. But it'll be wolfy. ]

I’d like it, either way. It’s been a week. And that was just yesterday. [Will can probably hear the nervous laugh at that, even through text.] And I’m sorry if I made things harder for you. I tried not to. That was the heart of the potential problem it took a village to be concerned about, apparently. I know it’s not meritless. I’m working on it. I promise.

I’ll apologize to Shaw, too. I’m just not ready yet.

in zero. i'm not safe to be around you, it's starting.

What's starting?

I'm hallucinating too, if you think it's some sort of sim thing. It's the Barge, I think.

[ He hopes. ]

you're hallucinating?

Sure am. Hannibal says hi.

[??? ? ??? ? ?]

put him on the phone

[ He switches to audio and pauses for a moment, just to be accommodating. ]

He's the hallucination, so I don't think that'll work.

Edited 2023-10-16 23:23 (UTC)

[Shaw switches over too, her voice at a whisper.]

What's he doing?

Passive-aggressively commenting on Malcolm's artwork.

I think he's annoyed that I'm ignoring him.

Good. You should keep doing that.

I think this is to lure me out, but I can't fall for that. They want-- they want me to kill you, Will.

[ Okay, he's sounding more concerned now. ]

Did someone say that to you, or did you infer that from the situation?

I could feel it. The chip.

Do you still feel it?

No. It's dormant right now.

[But she expects that to change once she begins the removal process. That needs to wait until no one is watching, though. Nightfall, maybe.]

...what's it like when it's not dormant?

[ He realizes too late that he probably shouldn't be asking, but that sounds horrible. ]

I'll hurt you. Without wanting to, without even realizing what I'm doing, I'll-- that's the point of all this, Will. This is Phase 3; it's why the simulation is so much longer and so much weirder. It's why they gave me Root.

The best thing I can do for you right now is to stay away from you.

[ Yeah, he was right. Ugh, he wants to murder everyone that has to do with Samaritan, slowly and painfully. ]

I think something's making us all hallucinate, but I know there's no way to argue against your concerns. So okay.

[ He'll have to take that premise. He sighs. He continues to ignore two references to Raymond Shaw and a discussion on the procedure for using seizures to cause the inception of new premises and allowing for the acceptance of a new reality, because he knows that Hannibal's just trying to get a rise out of him.

He's glad this conversation is on audio. ]

I know you're a very effective soldier. I'm still not going to let you kill me, even if you manage to break out of zero.

Don't tell anyone else that's where I am.

[Will needed to know for the sake of the responsibility she still feels for him, even with this simulation crumbling down around her ears. She also trusts him to be practical, and not to do anything stupid and heroic with the information. Root and Eiffel, though, not so much.]

Zhao has my gun. Rogers has all my other weapons. It's pretty unlikely I'd be able to come at you with anything ranged even if I did get out of here; that would give you a better shot.

Okay.

[ Both to the not telling anyone else and the weapons breakdown. He's quiet for a long moment. ]

Anything you have on you that could be a weapon? Are you with anyone other than Yunlan?

Nobody else is here.

[But though she doesn't know it, that's going to change soon.]

I have a scalpel.

...I'm distinctly aware, thank you.

[ It's snapped, but not into the communicator. He tries to recover. ]

-uh. Could you give that to Yunlan too, please?

What did he say to you, Will?

That there's nothing that can do such an intentional amount of damage as a scalpel.

It doesn't matter. He's not here.

First of all. Wrong. He's an idiot.

Second of all.

[She pulls in a quiet breath.]

I'm not letting anyone near me. But I have to get this chip out.

I guess the Chesapeake Ripper's case files weren't mixed in among mine, then.

[ It's muttered. More importantly-- ]

Shaw- there's no chip. Just like there's no Hannibal. I'm used to hallucinations, and that's what we have. Please don't dig into your brain with a scalpel.

No, Will, look, this makes sense. I've known this was coming for a while now.

["Known" is a pretty strong word, but she's at least suspected, and the evidence feels really hard to deny.]

But just in case I'm wrong, you need to-- are you safe? Can you plug up your ears?

Shaw, if you're wrong, you can seriously damage yourself. Paralyze yourself, damage your motor functions, your involuntary responses, your memory. That's worse than death here.

[ He doesn't think he's getting through. He's starting to gather up his things, put his shoes on. ]

I'm safe. Plugging up my ears is going to result in only being able to hear him. No, thanks. Listen, you want me to bring my helmet? Maybe that'll keep the non-existent chip turned off.

Um... hey. Listen. ...I know a thing or two about... surgery. How are you going to cut out your own brainchip? You need help from someone who. You know. Knows how.

[There's a half-beat of silence.]

I can't let anyone help me; it's too dangerous. This one is progressing fast.

[ Will nods at Malcolm, taking that angle instantly. He heads for the door and Shaw can probably hear him. ]

We can get there in half a minute. I'll watch for any change, Malcolm can get the chip out. We'll be fast and safe.

You know... I have a spare set of restraints, if you're worried about hurting us. We can tether your wrists.

No. No, no-- don't come. I have to do this myself.

Why? Because you'll hurt us? We heal up, remember? And I won't let you anyway. I told you I wouldn't.

[Malcolm grabs the restraints anyway, and heads to follow Will out the door.]

Yeah, come on. I'm practically a professional. I was in the room for an active brain surgery just last year.

Not worth the risk. I have a plan.

[And she hangs up the phone.]

I'm out of Zero.

[Several days after the thing ended!]

I'm sorry; I let you down.

Pretty sure the ship did that on its own, Shaw. No apologies necessary.

How're you holding up?

I don't know; my intel's all skewed and screwed up now.

Did you have hallucinations for the entire time?

I did. They changed over time, though.

I thought Malcolm was Hannibal one morning. That was...awful.

He okay?

For once? I have no idea. He's trying to be supportive. And I know it's easier for him to worry about other people than himself.

But that had to have hurt.

Yeah. He could take it as confirmation that he's, like, born evil or something.

...that actually wasn't one of the things I had been concerned about. But there are all sorts of upsetting implications, true.

Oh. Yeah, I dunno; it's just the first thing that came to mind.

How is it having him gone from your head again?

Quiet. Less pretentious.

Good quiet, bad quiet?

[ He's about to answer 'good,' but stops himself from trying to push it off. ]

More good than bad, I think. But...both. I'm glad I'm not hallucinating, glad I'm not scaring Malcolm. Glad I'm not feeling comfortable in that space Hannibal tends to create around him.

...but I miss it, too. And him.

[ He huffs out an audible sigh. ]

It was good to hear his voice again.

I'm glad you're not feeling comfortable there, too.

So I'm talking to Rawne about Avalon. He's, uh-- sounding pretty suggestible about what he's gonna do with them, long-term. You know me; my head tends to go to prevention of future stuff over punishment of past stuff. So I was wondering if you wanted to help brainstorm some constructive punishment ideas with us. Help me fill in the gaps there.

[ It's a swing in topic, but not an unwelcome one. As much as Will likes to talk about Hannibal, he's had his fill this past week. ]

...oh. Sure. I'm glad he's amenable.

I'm not sure what would even work as a punishment, though. I'd say something like have them feel whatever pain they're trying to inflict, but they don't seem to care about their body. And forcing them to feel the despair they're attempting to inflict on others seems...like it might be less than constructive.

You know, I tried to talk to Avalon about why they picked what they did as their purpose-- it honestly seemed like it was the first thing they did when they connected with someone, and they never did anything else. I'm not sure what could be done to try and...kickstart them connecting to people in another way, but that's probably what's going to be useful.

There's always brute force trial and error, annoying as it would be to be a guinea pig for that. I'd suggest saving people instead of hurting them, but that's... not always personal.

I did ask them why they didn't try to help people instead and I never really did get an answer from them about it. I don't know, I'm just trying to come up with incentives for Avalon to help out, and...there's not much.

Maybe they could try a work program, like Kikimora's doing? I worry that'd give them more targets, but- maybe not. They've been here for months and stayed focused on me.

We could talk to Rawne about getting them signed up with people who know what they're getting into. Hell, a warden could directly engage with and harness their obsession.

Yeah...hmmm. Maybe some of the longer-lived beings here- the gods and god-like- maybe they could understand them a little better.

And if they could explain some of it to me, I'd appreciate knowing that, too.

Then let's have a sit-down with them, you and me.

Okay. That sounds doable.

Okay. Then that'll be step one.

A couple people have said this wasn't my fault, which it obviously wasn't, but that's not the point. As far as I'm concerned, fault doesn't even enter into it. It's still my responsibility to keep my shit together enough to do my job, and I failed spectacularly at that. You deserve better. I want to give you better than a crazy warden who sits down in Zero when the going gets tough.

I don't know how you're supposed to do your job, when the person who gave you the job is actively keeping you from knowing what's even real. There were plenty of other wardens who were seeing things, actively a danger, or too sick to get involved.

I do appreciate the sentiment. And I'm glad to have someone working with me, who's so committed to their task. But I'm not sure what you should've done better when your mind was changed for you, here.

Other people pushed through it. Other people realized there was something funky going on instead of spiraling.

I'm gonna do better; that's what I want to make clear.

Everyone had something different going on. Some people weren't as affected.

But...okay. [ 'Doing better' is never a bad goal, as far as he's concerned. ] Thank you.

Is there anything I can do to help you reorient yourself, now?

[She shrugs noncommittally, not wanting to lie but not wanting to give a flat no, either.]

Help a little, sure; make it go away completely, no. Focusing on something works. Coming up with a plan for Avalon is a good idea for me too, I guess.

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