empathicfault | IC Inbox

I feel like I can still taste it.

Yeah. I know how much you've avoided hunting for a kill.

I think it’s supposed to be different as a wolf but… it’s kind of… not, exactly.

How did it feel, doing that?

And if you need more time to process, don't feel like you need to answer. But I know what it'd be like for me.

…You do? What would it be like?

For a moose? It'd feel kind of...like a waste of life. The chase would be fun, but the eating, maybe less so. But I don't know about how your taste changes, or pack dynamics. I could see there being a rush all working together to take down something much larger.

Now, if we're talking about a person, someone who deserves a downfall, that's a different story. The last couple of times I did that, it was a blissful experience.

But the first time was terrifying. I felt stained. Guilty. Because I knew I shouldn't enjoy it, and I did anyway.

You’re not a bad person. [He’s sure of that. So what does that mean?] …Do you ever worry about the line getting blurrier and blurrier about what constitutes someone ‘deserving a downfall’?

[ 'Repeat it enough times and maybe it'll be true' he thinks, but does not say. He treasures Malcolm's belief in him, even if it might be misplaced. It makes him want to be more careful. ]

...back home I did. Because the only one I would've had with me would've been Hannibal, and he doesn't- he didn't care about that. It was all aesthetics to him. Honestly? That's why I decided to take him with me off that cliff.

Here is a different matter. People are constantly asking questions to reaffirm our feelings. And- I accomplished what I wanted back home. I don't think anyone less horrible would've felt so satisfying. Taking that power back for me was important.

Were you considering just jumping?

Never. Whatever happened with me and Hannibal, it was going to be together. I'd planned it out that way.

Besides, I'd promised him a reckoning.

You had to kill him because he killed you?

Because he made me think I had killed Abigail. Because he tried to make it my fault when he killed Abigail himself.

Because he left a man broken and folded into the shape of a heart as a love letter to me, and because I understood that.

Because he changed me and I didn't get a say in it until after the process was in motion.

There were a lot of reasons.

Do you miss who you used to be?

I never knew who that was. I spent that time of my life without a sense of identity. Hell, half of my life I barely understood the concept.

I don't know if I would've eventually...coalesced on my own. Honestly? I doubt it.

Do you like who you are now?

I do. I like it very much.

...maybe I shouldn't. Maybe that's why I'm an inmate here? But things finally make some sense. I finally make some sense. And I know where I fit in the world.

I like who you are.

[ He's quiet for a moment because he's too busy smiling. ]

Thank you. It's been confirmation that I'm...settled, as a person. Knowing that you do.

I like who you are, too. Love it, even, you could say.

You always make me smile, no matter how bad I started out feeling.

Let me know if Sweeney is okay. He hung up on me when I told him I’m concerned about him. I love you. I’ll see you tonight.

I'm glad. And I will.

Love you, too. I'll see you later.

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