empathicfault | IC Inbox

And Will basks in the glow of that affection. That and the lean, the warmth at his side- it's all perfect.

"Of course you can. Other people might say you can't- or you shouldn't- but you always, always can. And I think it's a good idea. This is a good place to learn how to get comfortable with yourself."

“I like who I am when I’m with you,” Malcolm admits. “It’s a weird new feeling.”

"A good one, I hope," he half-jokes. He reaches up, smoothing his thumb lightly over Malcolm's eyebrow and down his cheek. He's just enjoying being able to touch, appreciating and being appreciated. "I'm so glad. I hope you get used to liking who you are. You've worked so hard for it."

Malcolm melts a little at the touch, his eyes fluttering closed for a moment.

“I tried to explain… about that. About how far I’ve come and how hard I had to work. It’s… hearing that dismissed as an excuse not to put in more effort was the worst part.”

His eyes open.

“That wasn’t what I meant.”

"I know it wasn't," Will says, hugging him close. "I got that. The things you've both had to work on and through are entirely different, and I- I don't know if she understood that?" He shakes his head. "But it's not on you to explain it any further, either."

"You know what was the weirdest part, though? When she said something about me being taught to communicate by manipulative people, like we talked about. Except... we've never talked about that. I don't know where that even came from," Malcolm muses.

He shifts to curl up against Will's chest, so he can hear his heartbeat.

"But she seemed to think I should know how to overcome it."

"Ah...that's my fault," Will admits. "A hypothesis I had. It came up while she was talking to me about both of your troubles communicating, and it shifted into my relationship issues and more...wardening-type things."

And he'd sort of avoided going into it with Malcolm because he was fairly sure Malcolm had plenty of people armchair-diagnosing him in his life. Unfortunately, that meant he was hearing about it this way. "I'm sorry," Will says, quietly. "I should've brought this up with you directly after."

"You don't have to apologize for thinking about me," Malcolm tells him. "Did you talk about that because you were trying to smooth things out? Because I literally asked you to," he points out, drawing patterns on Will's knee absently with one finger.

"Oh," Will breathes out, somewhat surprised. He's so used to people hating his insight, no matter how much they said they were ready. In a situation like this? He thought even Malcolm would feel betrayed. "Right. Yeah, it was...then. I still feel like I should've told you. Do you want to hear about it, or...should we leave it for the moment?"

He doesn't want to be shoving advice onto Malcolm after all that.

Malcolm snuggles in. "I'm interested," he tells him.

"Okay."

He likes the snuggling, and does what he can to accommodate it. It definitely makes him feel like he's about to tell a bedtime story, rather than go into a psychological profile of his significant other.

"So the part I told Shaw about- I hypothesized about you and her having to learn different social cues and to rely on them when communicating. Because you learned different cues, you really are speaking a different language with each other. I know Shaw had a supportive family that was understanding of her mental condition. And I know you had...not that, so much. Your father was obviously manipulative, but I believe he fostered a certain amount of manipulativeness in the rest of your family. And you had to learn your social cues from them, because you were fairly isolated from other people."

It didn't sound like he had much support anywhere else, from what Will has heard. Just his psychiatrist, and Gil.

"I also brought up that I think you might have arrested emotional development. It would be consistent with the trauma you've experienced, both physical and mental. Intellectually, you're amazing. But your difficulties with emotional regulation are, I think, from the fact that you've never had a real chance to grow up. You had too many things you had to work past first."

He considers that.

“My therapist said that would probably happen. Not to me. I overheard her telling my mother. But we’ve never talked about it or… how it might impact me. I guess… bigger fish to fry. Like you said. …I have been called immature. But ‘weird’ and ‘intense’ tend to get thrown around a lot more. And Gabrielle seemed to think a lot of the emotional regulation issues came down to the. Um. Secret diagnosis plus my mood disorders.”

Will can't help it- a bit of an amused rumble permeates out of him. "You can say autism. I'm on the spectrum, even if they can't figure out exactly where. And the ad hominem attack of 'immature' is a little different to not having had the chance to develop your emotions."

Will squeezes him close for a moment before he continues. "It might be the mood disorders, I know. But I wouldn't be surprised if some arrested development is at play, too. We could do some research on it, see if there's anything more about impact or treatment in the library?"

Malcolm’s expression creases and he nods slowly. “The fight with Raylan and the fight with Neal… they both happened because I lost my temper about something. And now… they both said they forgave me but it’s different now. There’s a… a wall there that wasn’t there with me before. And I lost control and made them put it up and nothing I say or do makes it better. I don’t know how to fix it. I thought everyone lost their temper sometimes, but… mine must be different somehow. More… more harmful or… “ He trails off. “Do you think it can be fixed? Do you think if it’s fixed they’ll let me be with them like we were before?”

Will leans over to kiss Malcolm gently on the side of the head before answering. "...I think that some of what you can learn here is that things always change, and it's never exactly the way it was before. But that's not always bad, not even if it starts out bad. Fractured bonds can be strengthened over time, as you continue to prove that you're trustworthy. So don't think of it as a wall. Think of it as a crack in your foundation, putting a little more distance between the two of you. You have to put some time and effort into shoring that foundation up again. Does that make sense?"

Malcolm nods glumly. “It’s just… there seems to be no limit to the things I can ruin by saying the wrong thing.” He twists around to look up at Will. “What if I say something awful to you in the heat of the moment? Where will I go then?”

Will reaches for Malcolm's hand and holds it, squeezing a bit. "Then I'll show you that when you break things, you almost never break them for good. You, Malcolm Bright, are not a relationship-ruiner. You are not a feelings-monster, and you're not any more destructive than most people. You've had a lot of bad luck. And believe me, I know bad luck."

Will gives him a small smile. "And like I said, we'll keep changing, but we'll change together. If we have some sort of disagreement...we'll talk it out. If we can't talk it out right then, we'll wait until we can. But I can't think of anything that'd break us apart, beyond...well, Hannibal. And...that'd be more physical than anything," he admits.

Malcolm snuggles back against him, clutching his hand.

“I’m not afraid of him. I’m dangerous too.”

"We both are," confirms Will, his smile returning. "Good. You're more prepared to handle him than...anyone, I think. Other than maybe me."

And he sighs with contentment as they both get comfortable again. "So. You don't have anything to worry about, in that case."

"I like the idea of having nothing to worry about but I don't actually know what it's like," he teases, fidgeting with the tail of Will's shirt.

Will laughs, lightly. "Well, that makes two of us. Although I feel like I've made a couple of strides in that area, at least. We're just going to have to spend enough time here that we get used to the idea."

"But I can always come here when there's too much to worry about out there," he confirms. "To the safe place."

"Mmmhmmm," Will hums happily, encompassing Malcolm in his arms. "And the cabin should actually stay safe here."

Malcolm knows about Randall Tier, and what Will did to the man who broke in to kill him. But here on the Barge? The cabins never seem to be messed with. "I know there's a lot of craziness out there on the ship. But you should always be able to reach both it and me." Will is doing everything he can to make sure of that.

“We need to put a bigger, more solid bed in here,” Malcolm tells him with a grin. “Before I take us both over and it lands on top of us.”

Will laughs. "Ah, and here I thought it might be a fun way to wake up." He kisses Malcolm's head, just one of his frequent familiar touches now. "I'll put in a request. I'm sure 'bed that won't fold in over itself' isn't too big an ask."

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