empathicfault | IC Inbox

Yeah?

[She raises an eyebrow, clearly a little surprised.]

Something to do with Hannibal?

Yes. I went into just about everything, and then, during that damn bug-flood--

[ He doesn't actually sound too upset about it, in this context. ]

We even got into the more uncomfortable parts. How I felt. How I still feel. He knows as much as you do.

Mm, he doesn't have the file, and I don't have your full perspective laid out all at once from beginning to end. Did he, uh-- did he relate to you, considering his dad and all?

[Had he seen Will's relationship with Hannibal as similarly unhealthy and dangerous, or had he seen Hannibal purely as a romantic rival?]

When it comes to complicated feelings about a relentless murderer, yes. And what it feels like to have that murderer focus so singularly on you. He picked up on the fact that Hannibal set up a 'trauma bond' with me almost immediately, as well.

I told him about the psychic driving, and the feelings that eventually developed- partially to see if it seemed like Hannibal implanted that while he was trying to turn me into a killer...but we didn't find anything conclusive there. I doubt it, though.

Okay. Good.

[There's a beat, and then she shakes her head, clarifying--]

Uh, the first part, I mean. Good about the second part too, yeah, but I'm glad both things are something you both are recognizing as messed up.

Mmmhmm. We both have been in therapy since we were kids, then studied abnormal psychology later on. We'd have to be extremely deep in denial to not notice the signs of a narcissistic sociopath taking advantage of a situation.

But I know you have to check on it, too. Because something went very wrong somewhere- and probably multiple somewheres- with me.

Because no matter how smart and experienced someone is, people are still fallible.

[A pause.]

It's not an insult, you know. I don't think you, like-- failed, or that you're weak. People think that about me sometimes: they assume that someone like me must think their emotions make them weak.

I know it's not an insult. I'm not surprised people have reacted that way toward you, but I've never thought of you that way.

Besides, anyone who doesn't think they're fallible or weak sometimes is lying to themselves.

Do you feel like you being the way you are makes it easier or harder for you to admit that to yourself?

Oh, easier. Definitely. I spent so much of my life trying to sort out the mess that is my head- I know better than anyone how bad I can get. So it's easy to know I have blind spots, biases, and wrong assumptions- and maybe harder to point them out to myself, since they're buried in with a number of feelings that aren't really mine.

[ He's quiet for a moment, then offers an example. ]

...looking back, I can see I couldn't stay objective when it came to Abigail Hobbs. I had far too many feelings wrapped up with her.

[Shaw nods, looking down at her hands.]

I'm sorry. About-- what happened to her. I know I've never actually told you that.

Thanks.

[ He laces his fingers together, looking down at them as well. ]

I should've listened to Alana about her. Kept my distance. Hannibal would've kept his.

[She looks up again when he looks down, eyes steady on his bent head.]

You've made a lot of crappy choices. And sure, some of those crappy choices tied into what happened to her. But that's not the same thing as your choices causing her death, or it being your fault. Hannibal Lecter caused her death. It was his fault.

[ Will closes his eyes. ]

I know that. Intellectually, I know. And I know he manipulated things to make me feel that way, over and over. But still, everything she went through- it's hard to not feel it, like a hole in my chest.

Yeah. I know. I just didn't want to not say it.

[ Will nods, his head bobbing in more of a twitch than anything else. He opens his eyes and gives Shaw a weak smile. His eyes shine with unshed tears. ]

Yeah. Thank you for saying it.

[Shaw isn't a touchy person, but it's not like she doesn't know how important it is for most people, and how much of a help it can be. Slowly, she shifts towards the edge of the bed and lifts a hand, reaching out so that it hovers near Will's knee - but she stops just short of actually making contact, waiting and watching for his response first. She's prepared to either put her hand on him if he seems like he's amenable, or withdraw immediately if he seems like he's not.]

[ Will sees her reaching out, takes her hand and squeezes it gently before letting it go. He understands the effort put in, and strongly appreciates it. ]

I'm okay- ...I'll be okay. It helps to hear.

Guess I tripped myself up, there. The point was that I am definitely a man who has regrets. And I'm not so egotistical to believe that I won't ever regret a choice I make in the future.

[She takes that as a Don't touch me any further and pulls back, though her eyes stay on him.]

Probably, yeah. I'm guessing that's kinda scary?

[ He doesn't want her to push herself, is all. But this works fine. ]

Not...really? I don't fear the unknown anymore. In fact, I don't seem to get scared much at all now. Seems like a small silver lining for everything I've been through.

...so I will make the decisions I make, and keep doing the best I can.

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