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[empathicfault]

"Will Graham here. Leave a message."

[Open for text/audio/action/whatever.]

Comments

[cactusy]

If a person who you actually want to be friends with tells you that how you treat them doesn't work for them, you make an effort to change that. If you don't care about changing that - and he made it clear that he doesn't - that means they either don't matter to you as much as you claim they do, or you don't fully see them as a person. And I know I matter to him. But the fact that he won't even try to shift his MO, as well as a couple other things he said, make it clear that I only matter to him as an interesting puzzle. He's not apathetic towards me. He just kinda thinks my wants are irrelevant, at least compared to his own.

[empathicfault]

[ Will's brow knots, because yeah, this is where he was lost before. ]

Why do you think he's not making an effort? Why do you think he's made it clear that he's not making an effort? Because there are parts of his personality he can't change? Because he's telling you as much?

[cactusy]

He can't change how he thinks and feels. But anybody can change how they act, Graham, especially if they're being given step-by-step instructions on how to do that.

[empathicfault]

Yeah, it's called 'masking.' He did it for ten years at the FBI, and it probably contributed to his current state of emotional dysfunction.

You could do that, too, I bet. Be kind and pleasant and not give him panic attacks every time you talk. But you don't. Is that you not making an effort?

[cactusy]

Okay, I'm gonna ask you the same thing I asked him; what the hell do you think I was doing for ninety percent of that conversation?

[empathicfault]

I think you were trying. I think you were both trying, very very hard.

[ He gestures outward as he speaks, shaking his head. ]

And you kept missing each other, just by a hair. He was trying to be completely earnest with you and getting called uncooperative and lectured for his troubles- you were trying to communicate your discomfort and getting met with what you perceived was a brick wall.

[ He frowns, then looks upward at the ceiling, letting out a sigh. ]

You both got close to starting to figure each other out, but then you got too frustrated and quit. And you insulted him on the way out.

[cactusy]

[Shaw blows out a sharp breath, leaning forward and pinching the bridge of her nose.]

You're right, I shouldn't've lost my temper.

[empathicfault]

You shouldn't have. But if you were really at your limit, then...that's how it is. I know it can be difficult for either of you to disengage. [ He sighs. ] I don't know, maybe you both would benefit from some time just not forcing anything for awhile.

[cactusy]

It's really easy for me to disengage with social things, Graham. You said a couple months ago that you were surprised I was still putting up with him - it wasn't because I was taking the easy road.

[She sighs too, breaking eye contact again to focus on Bear as he finally comes padding over to them, sniffing Shaw before moving over to Will and the other dogs.]

But like I said, I'm done, unless he decides he's going to make a change in how he talks to me. And he's made it pretty clear that that's not gonna happen.

[empathicfault]

[ Will's eyes narrow briefly as Shaw talks about 'disengagement', but she continues on to reiterate her statement. He's actually not sure if she means it as judgmental as it sounds coming out, or if he's reading into it because he's too close.
But it doesn't matter.

He looks at the floor, face blank other than his usual level of mild exhaustion showing through. ]

All right, then.

[cactusy]

Graham-- I don't get what's going on here; isn't this what you just said you thought was a good idea?

[empathicfault]

I did.

[ He says it with a whoosh of breath outward that's not quite a sigh. ]

And I think it might be good for Malcolm to learn how to let something go, himself. Realize when a relationship is more effort than it's worth. So it'll probably be better for both of you.

Guess it's more- I wish you'd have let me actually help when things were happening, rather than sifting through the ashes of both your escalations.

[cactusy]

How could you have helped, if the problem isn't communication and understanding?

[empathicfault]

[ Dryly: ] I never said the problem wasn't communicating. The problem might be a way you both communicate that's extremely difficult to fix.

There were several points in the conversation I listened to that included an intuitive leap from one of you, something that wasn't true of the other. Maybe these had been addressed in previous conversations, but I doubt they all were. If I had the opportunity to step in and ask for clarification, I bet the whole thing wouldn't have turned into...that mess.

[cactusy]

Okay.

[Shaw rubs at her temples with both thumbs, closing her eyes.]

We could. Try again. But, Will, if the end result of all this is you thinking that Bright shouldn't have to make any adjustments in how he acts because masking sucks or whatever--

[empathicfault]

I don't think you're noticing the adjustments he's already making to try and accommodate you. The amount he's trying not to deduce and assume things. He is making an effort.

And he didn't see your adjustments...although you did a good job pointing them out. That might've helped.

[cactusy]

I don't know if it did.

[She says, lifting her head again to look at Will.]

But-- yeah. Okay. We can try again.

[empathicfault]

[ He gives her the barest of smiles, but it's more than he's had for a bit. ]

Okay. I'll let him know, see if he's still interested. But neither of you has to force it. Just...call me if it comes up again?

this is why I hate phone tagging

[cactusy]

Shouldn't we arrange something instead? I was planning to just not engage him socially, so nothing was really going to "come up".

hah, I didn't even notice in the email

[empathicfault]

Maybe if we'd tried this when it was first suggested. Now? Malcolm's not had the best luck with 'arranged meetings.'

Besides, on this boat? We all run into each other some time or another. Trust me, it'll probably happen eventually. But I'll float the idea his way and see what he thinks.

[cactusy]

Just seems like waiting to stumble into something again is the worse idea, but--

[She shrugs, and repeats:]

Okay.

[empathicfault]

[ Will shakes his head. ]

Might be. But as long as you're bringing me in on it, you're trying something different.

[ He feels better, having that settled. He lets his shoulders slump a little. ]

That was everything about Malcolm, right? We can sit around and pet some dogs now?

[ Like they haven't been doing that this whole time. ]

[cactusy]

Please.

[Shaw says gratefully - and with that, she's just going to flop onto the couch and close her eyes.]

[empathicfault]

[ Oh, thank goodness. They're both exhausted now. Will is quiet for a few minutes, making sure Buster gets some extra attention. But eventually he'll raise his voice again. ]

Did you know Iris can speak to dogs?

[ If Shaw is zoning out, he won't bother her further. But this popped up in his mind. ]

[cactusy]

Yeah?

[She hadn't known. But--]

I guess that doesn't surprise me. Does she do it with her weird touch thing? Maybe she'll be able to tell me if Bear's okay.