empathicfault | IC Inbox

[It takes her a moment, but Shaw makes a point of rereading his file regularly. She chews, swallows, and then says:]

Beverly was the only one at the FBI who acted like she gave even a little bit of a crap about you. And she died because she went off to investigate Hannibal by herself.

[She stops here, wanting to make sure she's picking up the right train of thought before continuing.]

[ Right in one. Will sighs a bit, more tired than anything. ]

Yeah. She did. I told her to be careful, to not go alone, but- I still didn't stop her. Maybe I couldn't have.

She died, and the tiny glimmer of hope I still had died with her. And I think this just- it felt like the same thing was happening...even though I know it's not, not really comparable.

[Shaw nods slowly, sighs - and, uncharacteristically, sets aside her half-eaten sandwich.]

I didn't want to do it all alone, you know. I wanted back-up. You and I were a good team, when you were down on the planet, and then after - I thought once I said I was alive and fine people would actually want to work with me instead of against me. Stupid mistake, I guess. I know how this place is.

But I'm frustrated with them, not with you. I'm not mad that you were worried.

[ Will frowns briefly as she puts the sandwich down. But she does need to talk. Will licks his lips and stares down at Bear's paws as she continued, and even after she's finished. He takes his time forming his thoughts into words. ]

I think...I've gotten used to...not expecting to die every other week.

[ He gives her a weak, worn-out, and mirthless smile. ]

This place is insane, but that- that is one thing I don't have to worry about in general. People leave, they usually get their deals or their lives and leave, but they don't die very often. Even if an inmate disappears, there's the possibility that they'll come back. Have another try.

And when I was used to the constant danger, it was... When you expect to die every moment, that's almost its own form of immortality. Only the next step matters, only the situation you're in right then.

Trying to switch between the two...maybe that's where I tripped up. I felt fear and then- when I realized I could jump in the river to get you, but I wasn't going to- guilt.

[Clocking her sandwich to make sure it's not in easy grabbing range for the dogs (they could go for it, but they'd have to put in more effort than just lifting their heads, and that's good enough), Shaw slides onto the floor, too: still a couple feet away from him, but on the same level now.]

I didn't expect you to, and I don't blame you for not doing it. You get that, right?

[ Will starts shaking his head before she's even reaches her question. ]

Yeah- yeah. I get that. I know you didn't have expectations. I guess...I don't know why you didn't. If you were in there, navigating and fighting your ass off for a couple of weeks and getting people back, why shouldn't I be?

[ He shrugs, more of an excuse to hike his shoulders up than anything else. ]

That first week, we were helping with the travel to the city. That was important. But after, when you were still out there-

[ He frowns, chews on his lip, then shakes his head. ]

I guess it hit that the Admiral could just as easily have left you stranded there, in that world. That I could've done more so it wouldn't have been a possibility.

[Shaw lapses into a thoughtful silence, giving herself time to put together her words before releasing them out in the world. She picks idly at the edge of the couch cushion, and when Jet noses his head underneath her hand, she picks idly at his fur, too.]

The kind of work I do - I chose this, every step of the way. I've never been strong-armed or guilted into it; I've never had a Jack Crawford in my professional life.

This place asks a hell of a lot of you. I don't think those expectations are unfair, but asking you to be my backup would be. That's not your role. You helped, and I appreciate that, but when you needed to tap out - I get that; I respect that. And, uh-- Death was easier for me than it was for a lot of people. That's another thing that I think people don't get.

[ Will listens thoughtfully, his thoughts under a fairly blank mask as he rolls them around in his head. Eventually, he breaks into a tired smirk. ]

You're probably attributing more of a selfless motivation to me than is fully accurate. It's not about roles or duty or 'what I should do.' It's about fear...what I could've lost, out of carelessness on my part.

I have lost almost everyone I've connected with, on any level. You know that. And it's not- not that I can't let it happen again. It's more that I don't deserve to. That I wanted you here, and I could've done more to ensure that.

I got...worried, that I'd never see you again. And because of my past experiences, that worry bloomed into a panic and I started getting irrational.

[Ah.

There's another pause, albeit a shorter one; this is less figuring out how to respond and more figuring out which branching path she wants to chase down first. To his reading, it may have the appearance of standing at the head of a crossroads, or standing at the base of a large tree trunk.]

When I said I was doing okay, and didn't feel like I was in excessive danger or risk of harm - I did mean that. The whole 'can't really die' thing was... weird, but it was a boon.

[ It's almost helpful, to feel like there's a path he's walking down with Shaw. As (almost) always, in their conversations, he lets her steer. She seems to know where she'd like to take them.

And they can always come back to the crossroads later. ]

I know you meant it. But I also didn't know if there was anything about the river that could be unusually sinister. A lot of magic- especially with people from mundane worlds like us- it can happen without any outward signs.

And the instructions to not look up at the stars? It sounded like something that could put you under thrall. You seemed all right, but- I don't know anything about the magic here. I didn't know how you- or anyone- might be affected, especially long-term.

You should at least finish off a sandwich, by the way. I'm not going anywhere.

The section before that was a bigger thrall for me. It was empty; blank. Like the helmet, but more. I would have been tempted to actually spend some time there if I hadn't had a mission.

[She takes another bite, almost by rote, but she's clearly distracted.]

Anything I can do next time to help? I could, uh-- I dunno, livestream for you.

[ Will snorts with a laugh, but then stops- and with a small shake of his head: ] Yeah, actually.

It...helped a lot when you started checking in more. I could...also possibly just call you more often. But I didn't want to interrupt a fight just to ease my anxiety.

Trust me, I fight and talk all the time at home; that's a Tuesday for me. Talking and climbing waterfalls might've been harder, but we could've made it work.

[ Will nods, looking slightly sheepish as he does so. ]

In that case...? Yeah. That would be helpful. But I don't think the concern's going to hit again unless we fall outside the Barge's resurrection abilities.

...or Hannibal shows up, but that's sort of a five-alarm fire situation, anyway.

Maybe it won't hit again, but I like contingency plans. Steps we can both take. That, uh--

[She pauses, and Bear paws at her leg, making a faint smile briefly cross her face.]

That's something I'm working on, when I can feel myself not thinking clearly. Or... thinking too much.

["Thinking too much": her way of describing the way her brain will sometimes go into high alert at the slightest provocation, picking apart anything and everything for hidden tells of unreality.]

[ He knows exactly what she might be overthinking about, so he doesn't address it. ]

Contingency plans are good to have. Especially considering how often compromised we are here.

And...I've done the 'livestreaming' thing with Malcolm a couple of times. It helps, when things feel dicey.

Okay. Deal. Because I can't promise to never be in danger again. I--

[The road to the left is straight, wide, clear, and well-lit; the road to the right is narrow and dim, and snarled with brambles and thorns. She hovers, then takes a tentative step down the easy path, not wanting to drag him into the weeds of the hard one when she's not sure how important it is to this particular conversation. If those thorns and brambles belonged to him, she wouldn't hesitate to dive right in, but they don't. These ones are all hers.]

This doesn't have to be a one-and-done, either; we can keep workshopping this. The way you keep associating me with the FBI for some reason or another - I don't think that's a bad thing. It makes things chafe with us, and then it gives us stuff to dig into.

[A pause.]

I don't think you've ever been careless - really careless - in your life. I think both of us have had a lot of experience with circumstances that were way too big for us to control on our own, and we haven't taken to it in the same way.

[ Will nods, thoughtfully, as she mentioned him associating her with the FBI. He doesn't know if that's merely because those were mostly the only people he knew or if there was something else to it, but it warranted thinking about.

Then he looks up and catches her eyes and his head tilts to the side, thoughts swirling in a different direction. He stares down at her hands. ]

Oh, yeah...? What different ways have we taken it?

I surrendered to it. Embraced it, even. The ISA got to use me as an questioning tool, killing people for the greater good, and in exchange I didn't have to deal with any of the messy complexities related to my job. It was a symbiotic relationship that I appreciated.

Well...until they tried to kill you. I imagine.

But yes. I was used as a tool, too. I railed against it- quietly, at first. And then...it really felt like the writing was on the wall, early on. But I tried to trust the system.

[ He doesn't even have words for how badly that failed him, he realizes. ]

Maybe the big difference is that you eventually found a system you could actually trust.

I also never railed, and never had to try to force myself to trust. Falling into line was natural for me. You aren't like that.

I'm not. I'm not a leader, but I'm sure as hell not a follower. Not a soldier.

When I have other people's feelings and motivations in my head, I have to hold onto my autonomy as hard as I can. I have to fight for it or else I'll be subsumed. I learned that before I was even out of elementary school.

I know. It's not my personal experience, but I do get that. And I also get that I'm the biggest parallel to the FBI that this place has. I appreciate that you don't fight me every step of the way here because of that.

Yeah, well-- I made the decision on my own, that I trusted you. It wasn't exactly an easy decision to make, even if I did make it early on.

And while we disagree sometimes, you haven't failed me yet. [ He smiles slightly. ] So welcome to that extremely exclusive club.

You haven't failed me, either.

[She sounds a little discomforted saying that, because it's loaded language - and she knows that's exactly how Jack Crawford would have phrased it, either directly or by implication.]

Even when I've been disappointed or aggravated, I, uh-- I've never thought of it as you failing. But I disagree that I haven't failed you. I'm not letting myself off the hook for that sword curse thing.

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