empathicfault | IC Inbox

Will's smile comes easily in response to that, because it really was one of the first thoughts he had on hearing the news that John Gaius was moving on. Malcolm knows him so well.
"If he'll turn Maggie, he'd turn me. You're right, there."

Will looks up, taking in a big breath and letting it out in a long exhale. "I knew he wouldn't be here forever. Just like anyone else, I guess. So I'd been emotionally prepared for the healing to go at any time." He looks to Malcolm. "Did it blindside you?"

Malcolm swallows heavily and squeezes his eyes shut for a second and nods, then opens them. He's a little disappointed and a little embarrassed, honestly.

"People call him a god. I just... thought he could do it from anywhere. I knew he'd leave; I just thought it would carry on when he did."

"Ah...I'm sorry, Malcolm," Will replies. He puts an arm around Malcolm's shoulders. "I didn't think...our different backgrounds probably caused some different expectations. But you know... we're safer here than anywhere else we'd want to go, right? We die, we come back."

"I know that," Malcolm concedes, leaning into him, resting his chin on Will's shoulder so he can nuzzle Will's jaw with his nose. "But I don't want you to suffer that, either. You've suffered enough," he murmurs.

"Thank you," Will says quietly, shifting to accept the nuzzling happily. They've gotten used to this, moving with each other and finding comfort as they can. "Do you realize that I very rarely suffer here, though? Things can be physically painful, but it's not...when you're all right, it doesn't matter."

He rests his cheek against Malcolm's head as he thinks it over. "Remember when I told you I didn't get scared anymore? I've realized I do. It's just...not for myself. I do for you, occasionally. Worried that we'll be pulled apart somehow. But I'm not worried for myself anymore."

Malcolm smiles, almost despite himself, but also in genuine happiness. His one hand’s fingers find the fabric of Will’s shirt at his chest and shoulder to fidget lightly at, where a saw blade recently tore apart the flesh beneath.

“I… told Collins that his consequences were my idea. I might be in trouble if he gets his ability to kill back any time soon.”

Will takes a deep breath in and out, but that's the only sign he heard Malcolm for a moment. He smiles slightly.

"You know, I bet that stung him more than any death threats or attacks he got. And I doubt he's getting his restrictions lifted anytime soon. Still...maybe we should be careful when the temp wardens change over," he adds, thoughtfully. "I don't think he would enjoy finding out what happens if he does significant damage to you."

Malcolm turns more towards Will, which puts him half in his lap and lets him slide his arms around Will’s neck.

“You know, sometimes people try to rile me up by suggesting… doing something to you or… coming on to you. And they always seem kind of surprised when I’m like …try it and sorry not sorry about any missing body parts you escape without,” he says with a shrug. “Reasonably… objectively, I know you can handle yourself. It’s just… I can’t…” he trails off, his brow creasing faintly. But Will knows what he can’t. “I just can’t,” he whispers.

Will easily loops his arms around Malcolm more as they shift. He smiles at first- it's true- but it's hard to hear Malcolm continue, saying what he can't do, emotionally.

"I know," Will responds quietly. "And I can't say I'll never get hurt. But...I will do everything I can to keep it from happening. I'll be careful. And-"

He'd been heading straight for it, but he falters now. Hesitates. "I don't know why I'm taking so kind to graduate, but I'll figure it out. I'm trying. I'm...sorry, I can't even give you that guarantee."

As soon as Will starts apologizing, Malcolm shakes his head firmly.

“No. What are you talking about? You’re doing fine. It’s fine. We’re fine here.” He kisses him gently. “You’re doing really well. Gaius was here for ages, you know. It takes as long as it takes.”

"It's-" He stops the sentence in its tracks, biting his lip. "There's been a lot of them lately," he eventually says, quietly. "And I understand why, everyone gets so closely connected here. Even I've found a few people. Some graduations tip others over the edge, tug on those entangled strings of fate to pull others onto the opposite side."

But he'd essentially cut ties with several of the people he'd been talking to, and he's too damn stubborn to get dragged. He has to find his own way. "The longer I'm here without managing it, the higher chance the Admiral loses me," he mutters. "And I'll be dead again. There's no afterlife in my world- if there was, it surely would've come for Hannibal Lecter already. I can't come back and find you if I'm...non-existent." Anything else- anything- he is confident he can handle. But he hasn't been able to plan around that.

Malcolm fiddles with Will's collar for a second, mulling that over, then looks up, meeting his eyes.

"You know... I don't trust a lot of things. Systems. Most people's intentions. ...Myself. But I've never doubted for one single second that you'll graduate. Never once. And I still don't." He shrugs, casting around for a way to deal with it. The Thing they can identify to put paid to the irrational fear and mark it irrational. "Do you feel like... there's something you're doing or not doing that's......."

His voice trails off as something occurs to him and he looks a little sick. He remembers Kiryu's warning. He was just talking to Lark about it. About how what Kiryu advised about Will helping him wasn't right for their situation. He frowns faintly and swallow thickly, his gaze dropping back down to Will's shoulder. "Was Kiryu right? Am I holding you back?" he asks in all seriousness.

Will's gaze had gone distant as he thought through the possible things he's missing- and wondering if it's the obvious. He can't renounce his connection to Hannibal and mean it. He still can't even say he wouldn't protect the man if he arrived- Will's done it before, after all, and in situations where he was actively planning his murder. If he can't even say that much--

Malcolm's questions finally pierce his consciousness. His eyes focus back on Malcolm's in confusion. "What? No, no. You're the reason I have faith I can do this at all. I don't even know if I'd actually want to, without you here. If wanting to help Shaw was the only thing pulling me forward..." He drifts momentarily, then shakes his head and squeezes Malcolm closer to further anchor himself. "How would you possibly hold me back?" Wait a moment. "Kiryu said that?"

When Will pulls him closer, Malcolm rests his head on Will's shoulder. It's calming him, Will's embrace, his words. It's stopping the sudden fraught realization from turning into a spiral.

He takes a breath.

"When everything blew up with Shaw after Avalon, everyone who came by to see me told me that it was selfish, to be upset about how she handled it, because you're dead and she's the one that can get your life back and I should just... remember that and stop... making a fuss and let her work or I could impede your graduation." Even though he still adamantly denies fussing or stopping her. "And then when we were starting mediation, I guess.... I told Kiryu that you help me with.... some of the interpersonal issues I have with people and.... some of my emotional issues and... the arrested development. And stuff. And he said if I talk to you for help or... whatever when I'm upset about something, and ask you to work on my problems instead of your problems, then I could impede your graduation. By using you. Selfishly." Will probably remembers the conversation where Malcolm asked him if he was using him. Now he knows where it came from. "And I tried for a little bit..." Will probably remembers that, too, the very brief period he had to draw Malcolm into talking about what was bothering him. "But then I talked to you about it and you said they didn't get us, how we work together. How we help each other. And I don't think you're.... behind but if you feel like you're behind and don't know why... I had to check. People said it could be me before." He lifts his head to look at Will. "You really think it's not me?"

Will listens, his gaze falling on the weapons displays as he does so. He remembers talking about this, but not as a recurring issue. At the question, Will kisses the top of Malcolm's head.

"It's really not you." He says it quietly, but his voice is certain. "In fact, I don't even think I'm behind, necessarily. It's just...I'm always difficult, apparently, even when I don't want to be. And when self-proclaimed monsters and murderers with an exponentially higher kill count than I have get their lives back in a matter of months, I start feeling...jealous. And petty. And like I'm not working hard enough. I start thinking I'm not sacrificing enough for this, and then I throw the whole line of thinking out." But it always does come back, eventually.

Malcolm shifts over a bit more, to properly straddle his lap and look him directly in the face. Down into his face, as a matter of fact; the only time he gets to view that angle.

"I don't find you difficult," he says with a smile. He gives him a tender kiss. "I think it'd be weird if you didn't harbour the slightest resentment towards a process where people who refer to themselves as literal monsters and have conducted murder sprees - like, multiple each - here on the Barge suddenly graduate just like that. I mean, I think Johann has made a lot of progress since I met him. A lot. But... more than you? I wouldn't think so. But it's hard to say how far along the yardstick anyone is when it's invisible." He tilts his head slightly, considering it. "Do you have suspicions about what you're supposed to do or learn?"

This? This is nice. If they're going to be broaching a heavy topic like his own personal graduation, he wants it to be like this every time. With a smile and a kiss and thoughtful questions. It does a lot for his own mood, as he looks up into Malcolm's eyes.

"I'm sure Johann and Edwin had farther to go than I have. But sometimes the big steps are easier. If what I needed to know was something like...learning that I was a person, deserving of grace, then hell- Hannibal could've graduated me," he posits, rolling his eyes.

Serious guessing does dim his smile, somewhat. "...I'm worried it's going to be something I can't give up. What if the yardstick thinks that I need to be a total pacifist? Or that I need to forget about Hannibal entirely?" He breaks eye contact and looks at Malcolm's shoulder. He doesn't like having to bring up Hannibal in this context, but of course he's there. "I don't think I'm actually capable of that."

“It can’t be something that’s not possible,” Malcolm tells him. “Your abuser can’t just be… cut out of you like he’s a tumour. He’ll always be part of you. And I think you’re even aware of where he is in you and… what he gave you that wasn’t… horrific. And what was. And I think that’s the most anyone can do with that. I… have a hard time accepting that my father gave me things that weren’t awful. I… remember when I thought he wasn’t awful, but… it feels like it was… fake. And that makes everything that I got from that time feel cheap. I think you have a healthier relationship with that part of your life and that part of you than I do. I don’t think Hannibal is the stumbling block,” he muses. “And total pacifism hasn’t been required of any graduating inmate that I know of, so I don’t think he’d just pick on you.”

Malcolm gives him another kiss because his mouth is right there and he can while he thinks.

“It’s about deserving a second chance, right? Living a better, richer, happier life than the first time. You sacrificed yourself to protect people from him. Maybe it’s about protecting people while also protecting yourself.”

Malcolm's reasoning hits home about Will's self-awareness. He knows the places Hannibal has grown into and wrapped around, the good and the bad. He had to, in order to know himself as more than just a product of Hannibal's whims.

He's quiet for a few long seconds, eyes unfocusing as he thinks over Malcolm's second observation. "Yes," he murmurs, then looks up to Malcolm. "No more sacrificing. Not from me. But I do like helping people. The ones that get overlooked, the lost, the...strays. Like me." He smiles, amused, because it's very damn obvious where that comes from. "And I also like making sure whoever willfully hurts them...that they see justice." Bloody justice. Maybe that's the problem? But would trying to stop himself there constitute a sacrifice? He'll have to think that over.

“That’s part of protecting them,” Malcolm says. “And that’s what we’re going to do. But. …Without getting ourselves killed.” He runs his fingers through Will’s hair, from his temple to the nape of his neck, then his fingers fidget there, with the curls that rest against his skin. “We have something else besides the mission to live for.”

Will shifts very slightly to stretch his neck out a bit and give Malcolm more space to play with his hair. The look on his face says that it feels blissful. Of course, that could be what he's hearing from Malcolm, too.

"We do," he says, voice deep and warm. "Isn't that amazing? It feels like a miracle." Will supposes he did die to get here, so maybe it is.

Malcolm grins at him and gives him another gentle kiss... and then another.

"It's the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me," he says earnestly.

Will leans up for yet another kiss, smiling all the while. "You do make me feel like I'm close to graduating. Just a couple more jigsaw pieces to slot into place...and then we can start putting our plans into action."

He feels considerably better, having more avenues to pursue and also some reasonable arguments against the things he was loathe to try. Maybe they really can both have this. Maybe they both really deserve it.

Fidgeting with a curl behind Will’s ear, Malcolm shifts his weight slightly, more a nervous gesture than anything, though he also still looks content, a smile lingering on his face.

“Will… I’ve been thinking. If I get another inmate after Kikimora? …I’m going to keep my deal and use it for something for us. For our future. When I promised my first two deals to my inmates… I couldn’t think of anything I would want them for anyway. I didn’t come here to get paid. But… this? Our plans? Our life together? When the time comes, I want to leave here with you and with everything we need to live exactly the life we want to have. I want that. So, I just… want you to know that I concretely am already working on giving up sacrificing myself to help people. I still want to help them, but… I want something for me too.” A beat. “That’s okay, right?” If you’re not an inmate, is it just selfish? After all the times he’s been told he may be acting selfishly in regards to Will, he retains some concerns about that. He hopes that’s overthinking it, though, because this decision feels… right.

It's difficult for Will not to interrupt this, because it's just so exciting and touching and- well, it's obvious on his face that he appreciates the idea. His own fingers squeeze loosely into Malcolm's back and by the time Malcolm finishes? Will is grinning.

"It's okay. It's more than okay, it's...good, for you to be compensated for your efforts. For you to be appreciated, by being given something you want. For you to know just how much you deserve to be happy. You- I feel that's a big step, for you." He leans up and places a few soft kisses on Malcolm's jawline and speaks quietly into his ear. "How does it feel, to talk about this out loud?"

IC Inbox

Re: After Gaius' Grad Announcement

Re: After Gaius' Grad Announcement

Re: After Gaius' Grad Announcement

Re: After Gaius' Grad Announcement

Re: After Gaius' Grad Announcement

Re: After Gaius' Grad Announcement

Re: After Gaius' Grad Announcement

Re: After Gaius' Grad Announcement

Re: After Gaius' Grad Announcement

Re: After Gaius' Grad Announcement

Re: After Gaius' Grad Announcement

Re: After Gaius' Grad Announcement

Re: After Gaius' Grad Announcement

Re: After Gaius' Grad Announcement

Re: After Gaius' Grad Announcement

Re: After Gaius' Grad Announcement

Re: After Gaius' Grad Announcement

Re: After Gaius' Grad Announcement

Re: After Gaius' Grad Announcement

Re: After Gaius' Grad Announcement

Re: After Gaius' Grad Announcement

Re: After Gaius' Grad Announcement

Re: After Gaius' Grad Announcement

Re: After Gaius' Grad Announcement

Re: After Gaius' Grad Announcement

Re: After Gaius' Grad Announcement

Re: After Gaius' Grad Announcement

Re: After Gaius' Grad Announcement

Re: After Gaius' Grad Announcement

Re: After Gaius' Grad Announcement