empathicfault | IC Inbox

[He lets out a ragged breath he didn’t know he was holding. Grief mingling with relief.

Will always knows what’s pressing on Malcolm’s throat before he can even analyze it himself.

For just a second, he worries that it’s an imposition, but he actually stops and thinks… what if Will was upset about something? Would he consider being there an imposition?

He wouldn’t.]

I can make tea. Do you want tea?

[ Will has considered the possibility of this happening to him. Shaw leaving, even though she's told him she's committed (he believes it sometimes, and sometimes he can't). Harkin graduating and getting out of Dodge as quickly as possible. He knows he would fall completely apart. So- yes, he knows what's pressing on Malcolm's throat. Even if he didn't have his condition, he would.

And if he knew Malcolm's brief consideration and refusal to entertain it, he'd be really proud of him. As it is, his smile turns slightly stronger and he nods. ]

I'd love tea. Do you still have that mint, sage, and chamomile one?

[His expression brightens a shade.] Yes! I’ll get some going. [He stands up his phone against the water pitcher on the counter so he’s still on the screen while he gets it down from the cupboard and puts the kettle on.] Mint is a good idea. [He scoops some into a diffuser.] A good idea. I feel a little sick.

I know, love.

[ He doesn't know where (or even who) the endearment comes from, but it still spills from his lips. ]

Hang in there. Focus on making the tea and I'll be there when it's finished. And I'll hug you for so long, you'll wonder if I'll ever let go.

[ It's a speed run through the commissary and then the dining hall, and luckily they have some blander food ready to go. The dogs stick with him, noting how focused he is.

He makes it just before the tea is done steeping. He leaves the video on the whole time. ]

[He concentrates on the tea, like Will says, keeping half an eye on the camera feed. When he sees his own door opening on the screen, he hurries around the counter, shifting his weight from one foot to the other so Will has a chance to let the dogs roam free in the apartment and put down his bag and whatever he picked up on the way. When he finally gets wrapped up in the most soothing of arms, his voice is muffled by Will’s shoulder.]

I don’t want you to ever let go.

[ Will doesn't take long to get things situated, encircling Malcolm with his weight and warmth as soon as he sets down the bag of food and unleashes the dogs. He squeezes him close. ]

And you don't have to.

[ It's meant figuratively, but he'll make a go of it if Malcolm meant it literally, too. Will figures they could make it a couple of weeks without letting go, if they really wanted to. ]

I'm yours. Forever.

[He can't breathe, in the good way and the bad way because too much is happening but he doesn't want air. Will feels like the only thing anchoring him to the room. He can have that forever, Will says. He manages to take a breath.]

I can't just... make new friends. It doesn't work like that for me.

I know.

[ He leans his head against Malcolm's. If he can help hold him here, then Will can be of more help to him. He thinks, anyway. ]

And even if you do make a new friend, they're not going to be the same. ...it's a loss, Malcolm. A significant one. You're allowed to mourn them. To grieve.

But it's like Francis. They're going because they want to go. Their friends are supposed to support that, right? To be a good friend I have to support what they want to do? It's selfish to want them to stay here where they're not happy.

You can feel both, at the same time. Even with it being contradictory. And...you tell your friends the support part, and maybe even about the part that misses them, but you hold onto the rest of that hurt for yourself. Let yourself feel it. Get through it with someone who understands.

[ He pulls back just enough so Malcolm can see his small smile. He's blinking back tears from his eyes, knowing how much Malcolm was hurting. How much he felt Wrong, even for that. ]

[He holds Will’s gaze for the moment, a little damp and blurry himself, then finally nodding, even as he sniffles a little.]

At least they’re going together. [That’s what he keeps saying.] To look after each other. Like we’re going to. [His hands move anxiously, from a shoulder along a seam to an elbow, from a pocket to a collar, like they’re just making sure everything inside that shirt is solid and real.] And they’re coming back in a bit. Neal says a couple of months, probably.

[ Will's hands, meanwhile, only move to smooth over Malcolm's back and shoulders. It's the way he can hug him tighter without actually losing the ability to speak (or squeezing Malcolm too hard). ]

If Neal said so, then I believe it. I know something happened over Christmas, and he needs to get his head on straight. That's pretty tough to do here...for most people, anyway.

[ Will doesn't ever ask Malcolm about Neal, and he doesn't generally guess at it either. He knows Neal hates that. But to ease Malcolm's panic? He'll psychoanalyze Neal all day. ]

[Malcolm bites his lip, nodding, and considers that.]

You know how I walk if I wake up during the night, when... we don't stay together. One night I saw him go into the Lounge at, like, three in the morning. He was upset about how Wardens reacted to the way he presented the mediation office. I told him I thought he made his appeal to the wrong group. He should have asked the inmates what they wanted to see, not the wardens. But he was... inconsolable. I haven't heard much about the mediation office since then. I hope he hasn't given up on it. I thought it was a good idea.

[He frowns faintly, then looks up at Will's face.]

I know everyone is here temporarily, but it's just been... a lot more temporarily for some people than I thought it would be. What if Neal and Raylan like living in Miami and don't come back? If they're happy there, they don't need any more deals from here. If they like what they're doing there, they don't need to come back here and finish work that doesn't feel appreciated anyway.

[ Will takes a few moments to lick his lips and think all that over. ]

...I don't think Neal would be satisfied with leaving his project unfinished. It would bother him too much. He'll want to come back. It only depends on if he and Raylan get caught up with something in Miami. In which case, they'll need our help...

We're going to have to remember to request some line of communication people can reach us by, in our little interdimensional houseboat. I'd want people to be able to call us, if they need help.

[ But he's getting off-topic, and he really shouldn't right now. He shakes his head. ]

I thanked Neal, by the way. After that post. It's a topic that's been important to me since I got here, what turns this place from a farce to a force for good. And...I think Neal knows that, too.

[It was a good distraction, for a moment. The idea that their friends can call them.

But Will is right. On all counts.]

It’s the most worthwhile project anyone has come up with here.

[He leans into Will again, presses his face into the warmth at the crook of his neck. Into the scent of his skin.]

I tried to help people but I’m not good with them like Neal is.

Neither am I. I don't think we're meant to be people who help with...systematic problems. I tried back home and failed miserably. What we are good at is helping strays. The people who get missed by any and every system. Those that fall through the cracks of human sympathy, for whatever reason.

And maybe it's that which makes me admire Neal's intention to fix a long-running problem here. An issue that causes harm to the self-worth of inmates left and right. I don't even know if he realizes just how difficult a task it was, that he set out for himself.

It’s easy to fall into believing that people here are better than people in other places… than… than they are. Until it crashes down right on you. I did.

[ Will hums, leaning his head against Malcolm's as he thinks about that. ]

I think...maybe there's a higher percentage of better people here than there are where the both of us are from. But not even the wardens are all going to be winners. And most people aren't going to understand us, even if they are less awful.

[Malcolm’s expression crumples a little. Because that’s right and now most of the people who do understand him and accept him have left or are leaving.]

Yeah. I have to… I mean… …I try too hard. To connect to people. To people who are never going to understand. Like Dani. Like Shaw. I bash my head against a wall and wonder why it hurts. I have to stop doing that.

[ Will squeezes him a little tighter. ]

Maybe you don't have to stop. Maybe you can just...back off when it's not working. Extend a hand, but retract it if you get snapped at.

You will find others you connect to, here. I don't know if it'll be a lot, but- this is hardly the end of finding people who care about you, Malcolm. When you do, they'll always be precious, and them leaving is always going to hurt. But it's a sign of the importance you place on them.

At home, I was always going to be alone when it came down to it. That day… the Bad Day… when Francis came to see me, he said I got so worked up because I’m afraid people will leave and of ending up alone, but I don’t think he understood how much that was… reality before.

And then he left.

Yeah.

[ Will closes his eyes and doesn't hide a sniffle, instead just leaning a chin on Malcolm's head. Trying to cover as much of Malcolm's pain as possible. ]

But...not the way other people left. He wants you to visit. He still holds you in his heart. This is why I want to have our traveling home. Because we're not really destined to be...adopted by anyone, not truly- I'm still amazed I've connected with you and Hark so close.

But we still have people we'll care for. I doubt we'll find a world to stay in forever. We have to make our own way...but I'll be with you for that. All of it.

That matters so much to me. I don’t think most of the people that day… could understand why I was such a mess and they… didn’t really want to. I think they were well-meaning but also all they wanted was for me to just… stop it. But I can’t… I can’t lose you. I cannot. I just can’t. Not even a whisper of it, not even a joke about it.

You won't. You won't, and I know that's hard to believe. It's just going to be time and experience that'll sink that in.

[ He leans back a bit, but only so he can give Malcolm a soft kiss. Hopefully his determination and love will come through it. ]

Unfortunately, this place isn't particularly great for that. No one who's here lives here for long, except for a couple of people. And we may well be that couple of people in a few years. But it means we'll have to get used to saying goodbye. [ He tilts his head to the side. ] Maybe it'll be more like 'see you later,' once we can both take vacations.

[Malcolm smiles, a small tentative smile, but a smile nonetheless.]

They've all said we can visit. I asked.

[He looks up at Will.]

I won't leave without you, either. No matter what. I don't care if that means staying here forever. I won't go without you.

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