empathicfault | IC Inbox

“That’s… why I said something on that lady’s post. Because I was still mad at him and I couldn’t stop myself… and then it sounded like she was too… but she wasn’t. I know it’s bad. That I did that. I don’t want to be mad anymore either, but he keeps saying it; he keeps saying that I’m hurting you to… to satisfy myself and I hate it.” He takes a breath. “I’m sorry if it embarrassed you,” he says sincerely. “I have to start doing breathing exercises again or something,” he mumbles, looking down at Will’s knee. “I private messaged him thinking I would… apologize and try to explain, but… it didn’t go any better than the public conversation. Maybe I just… really shouldn’t talk to him. Maybe not every problem has to be solved.” He looks up at Will again. “Do you have any techniques for curbing impulsivity?”

"You...probably shouldn't use my methods. I shouldn't use my methods," he says with a small chuckle. "I tend to retreat and go away for awhile. Fishing. But I think breathing exercises would help. It's just...a matter of stopping yourself for a moment to think- is this mostly emotional? Do I really need to have this conversation right now? ...because yeah, when it became clear that the new person wasn't mad at him, that things were more complicated, that's when you should've backed off."

Will's looking at Malcolm, his gentleness back as they lean against the couch and face each other. He squeezes Malcolm's hand, then holds it between both of his. "And if you're feeling really strongly about something, that might be a good sign that you need to have someone on the outside of things check it. Me, or Neal. Anyone else you might trust. We could give you a rundown of what we see. But I know it's hard to pull away in the middle of a conversation. So I don't know how much of a solution that is."

“I shouldn’t have said anything to start with. I was being petty,” he admits easily, to Will. Will, who he knows won’t reject him for it. “It was stupid. It made him look good and me look bad.”

But Will’s hands are warm and his face is beautiful and kind and Malcolm’s eyes find it again. “Tell me about Becoming. You mentioned your Becoming before and suggested I could be having one. I think I get the concept contextually, but… how does it work?”

Will tilts his head in reluctant acknowledgement, that Malcolm shouldn't have said anything, and that it was ultimately not helpful. But he smirks a little and adds, "I like you being petty, sometimes, though. Just...hold onto it for better opportunities in the future, if you can."

Even when the subjects they talk about are awful, or frustrating, or depressing, doing it here like this feels cozy and fantastic. Curled up and taking in the entirety of the other, they can release any tension of the day, hold each other up and feel rested, for once.

Will is contemplating that when Malcolm asks about his Becoming. He almost thinks he hears wrong, but Malcolm elaborates, and- Will's expression shifts from confusion to amazed fondness. Who else would ask about something so important to Will?

He opens his mouth and his tongue runs over his teeth before he speaks, a method of delay he's long had while he thinks. "...it's difficult. Words don't really do it justice. It starts with...learning to adapt, to things you would otherwise avoid. Accusations, threats, strange situations. You survive because you have to. But eventually, you realize that's not enough. You cannot just change your methods, you have to change yourself, if you want to live. You learn to navigate the halls you were unwelcome, and even if the steps are stumbling. Even if you feel like a baby deer in world of concrete. You're too fast for anyone to catch."

He sits up a bit as he continues, his cadence and tone confident. "All of that comes before you start looking to change yourself. You desire mastery, you desire not just a life, but a vibrant life. A thriving life. And in the case of my world- and me- that required...blood. And breath. It required an inherent internal change. Initiated by me, planned by me, and executed by me. To Become something greater than I had been. To fulfill the potential that had been lying dormant in me."

He realizes that at some point he had started looking down at their joined hands. He raises his eyes now, to see if that made any sort of sense to Malcolm.

Malcolm's expression shifts from interested to fascinated by the time Will is done. Will did that. He accomplished it. That's probably why the way he carries himself is so... commanding. Not of obedience or anything like that, but he brings energy into a room, even when he's exhausted.

"If... I were to... Become... how do you think I should start? Our work in the Enclosure?" Wasn't that the context Will had mentioned Becoming in before? There's barely a pause before he adds "Did it change how much you needed to... to find acceptance or to... " He frowns faintly at himself. "I don't think I'm going to stop rubbing people the wrong way sometimes. I just... I tried to explain to Shaw... I've done the work. I've done all the work for decades: talk therapy, behavioural therapy, drugs, electroshock, yoga, mantras, meditation, affirmations... and it was so important to me to belong. To figure out how to be a version of me that can belong. And it's always failed spectacularly. But. I try. I try every day. I wanted her to understand that this is probably the peak version of Malcolm Bright, because she was looking for some sort of... like. I would just. I would do the right Try and be less annoying. She thought that it was... lazy of me, essentially, to suggest I might not be able to achieve it. That it was a refusal to try. But what if I just didn't... need that anymore? Their acceptance. Is there a way that I can Become without losing my care for helping people or my love for my friends but not need... the rest of it anymore? Admiration? Acceptance? Can I just... be me but... with sharper lines, you know? Like you have." Will is More Real than other people. He's in 4K. The Becoming must be the reason.

Will listens quietly, letting Malcolm get everything out that he needs to. His eyes narrow a bit as Malcolm describes the thing that Shaw had said. Being described as having 'sharper lines,' Will smiles slightly, looking content.

"Your Becoming would be unique. Our potentials are not to be the same thing, after all. You have your own hues that would come out in your ultimate radiance. But that's for later. Because you are only just out of the adaptation for survival's sake stage. You have begun to change. And in that change, you are finding strife. That's normal, Malcolm. It's good. You have to come up against boundaries before you can test where the edges of yourself are. Like with the Enclosure."

He leans forward, his own forehead resting against Malcolm's, so he can look him closely in the eyes. So Malcolm can see his intent. "The change will be difficult. It will require sacrifice, but I'm not going to do to you the same thing Hannibal did to me. Every part of this will be your choice. Now, it just so happens this place is extremely accepting and helpful to those seeking to undergo change. We will find you, define you, and then we will find the potential of who you could be. And because I love you, I will help guide you to that precipice, and you can decide if you want to jump."

He only realizes after he says it that he personally did literally have to jump (or fall, he supposes) to truly Become who he is. He wonders if Malcolm's Becoming would be so dramatic, but- well, they are both who they are. "After that, the ideas that anyone can mold your shape or ruin your desires will seem laughable."

Malcolm is just as intent as he listens, rapt.

“Is that why it doesn’t hurt you, how they talk about us?” he asks, his voice barely above a whisper as he elaborates, “Like I’m romping across a vulnerable person for my own shallow gratification and not experiencing the deepest spiritual connection I’ve ever had with anyone? Because you understand what you want and you know they can’t touch it? All their chatter just gets carried off on the wind? Because it… I feel it inside me. Like they’re desecrating something sacred and they think they’re better than me because I believe in it and they’re above it. That’s why I get so worked up. Because they have such strong opinions about it and they can’t even see it. They don’t even want to see it, they just want me to agree. But I can’t agree. It’s holy to me.”

Will smiles a little, and it only grows as Malcolm continues. "It is. And that's the important thing." He brings up Malcolm's hand, and kisses it softly in an act of supplication. "You will come to understand, in your mind and your heart, that there are some things that they can't see. Some things that they won't see. And they won't be able to touch that inner part of you anymore. You will be free."

“That’s what I want!” Malcolm exclaims earnestly. “It’s possible to Become that? Really?”

"It's possible," Will confirms. He almost wants to leave it at that, but- that would be more misleading than he can allow himself to be with Malcolm. "It might not come out in the way you're expecting. You'll have to analyze your self and your feelings in ways you never have before. You'll have to let go of tightly-held beliefs, maybe even things you thought were a core part of you. But-"

He smiles a bit again. His smiles when talking about this are soft, content- completely unlike the twitchy mess he tends to present to the world. "We've already determined that you don't enjoy killing. So you won't be taking entirely the same path I did. That was my...most difficult hurdle, admitting that." Testing it out. Reveling in it.

"And I don't... I don't have to let go of you, right? No matter what?" Malcolm confirms cautiously.

Will actually considers this. "I don't know what form you will take, Malcolm. I doubt it, but there were things I went through that I couldn't have imagined ten years ago. This sort of metamorphosis is not predictable. So it's a possibility, even if I don't know how that would happen."

He lets out a small, annoyed sigh, after acknowledging that. "What I will say is that you'll have a choice. And you can choose what you want the most. I...can't see it coming to that, honestly." Because Will is always going to try to do what's best for Malcolm. He just needs to make sure he keeps that focus.

Malcolm appreciates that Will isn’t bullshitting him about this, and while it isn’t the ringing denial that such a thing could happen he was hoping for, the fact that he concludes that he can’t see it coming to that is something of s reassurance.

“You don’t want it to, though, right?” he confirms, his fingers starting to fidget. “You still want to do our plans?”

"Of course I do. It's everything I'm working towards. I think you'll enjoy the travel more if you don't have the doubts in your mind, if you know who you are and what you want."

He leans forward on impulse, pressing his lips against Malcolm's and kissing him slowly but deeply. "I never want to leave you. I will fight to be with you with every breath. The only thing that would keep us apart would be someone or something convincing me that I'm making things worse for you. And...after everything I've been through, fought through, and discussed with you, well." He smirks. "Anyone trying that tactic would have a hell of a job in front of them."

“That’s one thing where I really don’t care what anyone thinks,” Malcolm tells him. “You’re good for me. We’re good for each other. And if some people think we’re too crazy to decide what we want, then… too bad for them,” Malcolm says firmly, his hand finding purchase in Will’s shirt at his chest before fidgeting its way along his collarbone. “I’ve never felt luckier or happier or safer than I do when it’s just you and me together.”

There are times when Will's face goes almost entirely slack and yet he radiates contentment. And there are times when a smile or laugh is startled out of him, like a sudden flash of a fish's tail breaking the surface of the water. Right now, Malcolm's words pull the second out of him, as he breaks into a bright grin.

And he doesn't have the words for a little while, but when he finally manages to school his smile a little, he replies, "Same here. I'm...really looking forward to exploring all sorts of crazy worlds with you."

That makes Malcolm smile happily back.

“I’m going to apologize to that lady. It wasn’t a very nice welcome. Can we do some more work in the Enclosure tomorrow? On my darkness? I think we need to fully define it before we can really work on my Becoming.”

"I think you're right. And I'd love to," Will replies with a grin. "Although I need to think on what to explore next, now that we've determined that you aren't looking for violence. You have more sophisticated taste...I feel like I've got an idea, nothing detailed has coalesced yet. But we'll figure it out."

Will smiles at Malcolm. "In the meantime, if you have any particular ideas or scenario you'd like to try, let me know. I can set it up for you." And he'll always be happy to play the antagonist for it. The Enclosure's not so good at coming up with 'smart' villains, after all.

Malcolm's smile is almost bashful when Will calls his taste in darkness 'sophisticated'. It didn't occur to him that he could also come up with scenarios. He'll consider it. In the meantime, his fingers fidget at Will's collar.

"So... maybe in the meantime... tonight..." He looks up at Will's face playfully from under his brow. "We could do something more intimate than kissing?"

Will's smile shows a bit more teeth, suddenly. It's still somewhat rare that Malcolm initiates anything sexual, but he's starting to get more comfortable with being forward. "I think we could. Maybe," he replies, just as playful.

He leans forward and takes Malcolm's lower lip in between his teeth, tugging it lightly in a promise of more to come. "You want to stay here, or relocate?" Kind of mean to make your boyfriend do the Walk of Shame when you're essentially living together, after all.

Malcolm grins. "I want to stay right here, with you." He left his spare set of restraints after retrieving them from Zero. "Annnnd I also want kissing, just to be clear. With the other stuff." Will is great at it, what can he say? "And then we can go to my cabin in the morning and make breakfast." But maybe tonight he's hiding. Not that Will's cabin wouldn't be the second place anyone would look after trying his own.

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