empathicfault | IC Inbox

[ Will's hands, meanwhile, only move to smooth over Malcolm's back and shoulders. It's the way he can hug him tighter without actually losing the ability to speak (or squeezing Malcolm too hard). ]

If Neal said so, then I believe it. I know something happened over Christmas, and he needs to get his head on straight. That's pretty tough to do here...for most people, anyway.

[ Will doesn't ever ask Malcolm about Neal, and he doesn't generally guess at it either. He knows Neal hates that. But to ease Malcolm's panic? He'll psychoanalyze Neal all day. ]

[Malcolm bites his lip, nodding, and considers that.]

You know how I walk if I wake up during the night, when... we don't stay together. One night I saw him go into the Lounge at, like, three in the morning. He was upset about how Wardens reacted to the way he presented the mediation office. I told him I thought he made his appeal to the wrong group. He should have asked the inmates what they wanted to see, not the wardens. But he was... inconsolable. I haven't heard much about the mediation office since then. I hope he hasn't given up on it. I thought it was a good idea.

[He frowns faintly, then looks up at Will's face.]

I know everyone is here temporarily, but it's just been... a lot more temporarily for some people than I thought it would be. What if Neal and Raylan like living in Miami and don't come back? If they're happy there, they don't need any more deals from here. If they like what they're doing there, they don't need to come back here and finish work that doesn't feel appreciated anyway.

[ Will takes a few moments to lick his lips and think all that over. ]

...I don't think Neal would be satisfied with leaving his project unfinished. It would bother him too much. He'll want to come back. It only depends on if he and Raylan get caught up with something in Miami. In which case, they'll need our help...

We're going to have to remember to request some line of communication people can reach us by, in our little interdimensional houseboat. I'd want people to be able to call us, if they need help.

[ But he's getting off-topic, and he really shouldn't right now. He shakes his head. ]

I thanked Neal, by the way. After that post. It's a topic that's been important to me since I got here, what turns this place from a farce to a force for good. And...I think Neal knows that, too.

[It was a good distraction, for a moment. The idea that their friends can call them.

But Will is right. On all counts.]

It’s the most worthwhile project anyone has come up with here.

[He leans into Will again, presses his face into the warmth at the crook of his neck. Into the scent of his skin.]

I tried to help people but I’m not good with them like Neal is.

Neither am I. I don't think we're meant to be people who help with...systematic problems. I tried back home and failed miserably. What we are good at is helping strays. The people who get missed by any and every system. Those that fall through the cracks of human sympathy, for whatever reason.

And maybe it's that which makes me admire Neal's intention to fix a long-running problem here. An issue that causes harm to the self-worth of inmates left and right. I don't even know if he realizes just how difficult a task it was, that he set out for himself.

It’s easy to fall into believing that people here are better than people in other places… than… than they are. Until it crashes down right on you. I did.

[ Will hums, leaning his head against Malcolm's as he thinks about that. ]

I think...maybe there's a higher percentage of better people here than there are where the both of us are from. But not even the wardens are all going to be winners. And most people aren't going to understand us, even if they are less awful.

[Malcolm’s expression crumples a little. Because that’s right and now most of the people who do understand him and accept him have left or are leaving.]

Yeah. I have to… I mean… …I try too hard. To connect to people. To people who are never going to understand. Like Dani. Like Shaw. I bash my head against a wall and wonder why it hurts. I have to stop doing that.

[ Will squeezes him a little tighter. ]

Maybe you don't have to stop. Maybe you can just...back off when it's not working. Extend a hand, but retract it if you get snapped at.

You will find others you connect to, here. I don't know if it'll be a lot, but- this is hardly the end of finding people who care about you, Malcolm. When you do, they'll always be precious, and them leaving is always going to hurt. But it's a sign of the importance you place on them.

At home, I was always going to be alone when it came down to it. That day… the Bad Day… when Francis came to see me, he said I got so worked up because I’m afraid people will leave and of ending up alone, but I don’t think he understood how much that was… reality before.

And then he left.

Yeah.

[ Will closes his eyes and doesn't hide a sniffle, instead just leaning a chin on Malcolm's head. Trying to cover as much of Malcolm's pain as possible. ]

But...not the way other people left. He wants you to visit. He still holds you in his heart. This is why I want to have our traveling home. Because we're not really destined to be...adopted by anyone, not truly- I'm still amazed I've connected with you and Hark so close.

But we still have people we'll care for. I doubt we'll find a world to stay in forever. We have to make our own way...but I'll be with you for that. All of it.

That matters so much to me. I don’t think most of the people that day… could understand why I was such a mess and they… didn’t really want to. I think they were well-meaning but also all they wanted was for me to just… stop it. But I can’t… I can’t lose you. I cannot. I just can’t. Not even a whisper of it, not even a joke about it.

You won't. You won't, and I know that's hard to believe. It's just going to be time and experience that'll sink that in.

[ He leans back a bit, but only so he can give Malcolm a soft kiss. Hopefully his determination and love will come through it. ]

Unfortunately, this place isn't particularly great for that. No one who's here lives here for long, except for a couple of people. And we may well be that couple of people in a few years. But it means we'll have to get used to saying goodbye. [ He tilts his head to the side. ] Maybe it'll be more like 'see you later,' once we can both take vacations.

[Malcolm smiles, a small tentative smile, but a smile nonetheless.]

They've all said we can visit. I asked.

[He looks up at Will.]

I won't leave without you, either. No matter what. I don't care if that means staying here forever. I won't go without you.

[ It's at this point that Will realizes he has tears welling up in his eyes. He smiles, even if he looks away from Malcolm's eyes in slight embarrassment. ]

Okay. Thank you. I don't...I know you wouldn't. And if you ever were pulled away, I'd graduate out of spite and come find you.

[Malcolm nods and cuddles up against him, eyes closing as he rests his cheek on Will's shoulder.]

Can you stay here with me tonight?

Already planning on it. And I'm happy to read or watch movies- anything, if you can't sleep. I'll be here.

[Malcolm slides his arms around him.]

You make me happy. I want you to know. So happy.

Same here, and I'm so glad I do. You deserve all the happiness I can give you.

[ He hums thoughtfully. Performatively. ] ...probably more.

[He breathes out a laugh towards Will's chest, then shifts to look up at his face, reaching up with the fingertips of one hand to gently touch his cheek.]

We'll be okay. [It's not a question. That's a Big Deal.]

We will.

[ He sounds exceptionally certain about that, as he smiles down at Malcolm. And it is a Big Deal, but Will has believed it for some time now. ]

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