empathicfault | IC Inbox

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"Will Graham here. Leave a message."

[Open for text/audio/action/whatever.]

[Everything Walter's suspected for ages has been confirmed, and the only saving grace is that Will's presence pushes Walter's needle towards pity for the malleable, dysregulated emotions that drove the two men there instead of fury at their subsequent choices. In a smaller voice, hand against the side of his face.] Oh my god, he seriously will dig this hole through the center of the earth into some dark matter alternate universe...!

[Teetering is exactly the word to latch onto, that could destabilize Will if he isn't careful - the flashes, black and white back and forth, like the tokens in that Pente game. It's louder than Walter's emotions have ever been before, the first time they've struggled against the boundaries of their compartmentalization into physical evidence that Will hasn't pushed to examine. It's not just fear. There's empathy.]

I'm from 2021. The discourse has evolved a lot in the past few years - I have to dial references back for people like Lark, even. So, yes, stimming, inertia, special interests, I'm quite well-versed... I've wondered for myself to be honest. I was also born in 1981, though, you know? I certainly have friends in that community and, you knoooooooow... [he says in an almost comedic way] maybe new friends. I have a guess where you're going with this. The blanket nest would have tipped me off if nothing else.

[From a low point:]

I know that things have always been hard for Malcolm, and the bullying and abuse have severely compounded that. But he's also a warden, and I don't get why he picks some of these hills to die on. [You don't die on hills! You scamper down from them to live! Walter learned that!] With inmates. And people he still thinks of as inmates.

[ Will nods, glad Walter's from further on than him, rather than behind. He saw the advances and progress made in the mental health community, although they do still have a long way to go. When Walter mentions the blanket nest, Will chuckles. ]

The blanket nest is also a wolf thing, too. Just so you know.

I'm not exactly autistic, myself. But a lot of my symptoms and behavior manifest the same way. Especially the overstimulation and the shutdowns. My condition is so unique that they don't have a name for it, but I read people's body language and cues too well. My mind handles it by essentially recreating what a person feels at the time. My- well. I've been told it's akin to pure empathy.

What Malcolm had was an early diagnosis, that was then completely ignored and hushed up. Can't have him out in high society if he's... [ Will trails off, not even wanting to use the words. ] And then everything happened with his father, and the trauma of that compounded it. His mother took the 'visionary' approach by trying to stand tall through it, which meant she scolded him for any autistic traits and basically forced him to mask, through trauma, at all times. And then when he went to the FBI, he had to put on even more of a mask.

Here has been the only place he's felt safe enough to explore who he is, because everything has been pushed down for so long, he's not sure what's him and what's the 'rules' he had to learn. I've been helping him with it. And yes, since he's new to it, he's going to mess things up, take stands in the wrong places and come off even more strangely than usual. I don't think he did so here, but hopefully we'll get some critiques that aren't bathed in anger or passive-aggression and we can get somewhere.

What would be good is for him to come out with the fact that he's autistic. In fact, there's a lot of neurodiversity here, maybe I should offer a lecture...

Edited (word change) 2024-07-09 19:32 (UTC)

[Walter nods with dark eyes. Malcolm was poised to shut down as it was, and his mother might as well have been a movie star. Everything was hard. All of a sudden when Will leads up to that ending, though, lifts up his hands.] I was going to say "are you crazy" for a second before I thought better of it under the circumstances. [But he really thinks Will is lowballing how indifferent it sounds.] I concur it would be good for him in the long term, and good for other people. And it's a very personal choice. [Ulla. He is thinking of Ulla. Sorry for his condescension, dear sweet beautiful physically-monstrous Ulla.] But in my not-so-professional opinion, he can't do that right now. Not while this is fresh in people's minds. Obviously you know that autistic behaviors aren't always accepted. Sometimes because of real mistakes, sometimes just because they're different. More awareness also means more "autism isn't an excuse to be an asshole".

Think about it! Is there one person on this boat who already knows what autism is? [Off chance this will rustle up Misty lore, though he doubts it in the focused moment.] I'm going out on a limb and putting my money on Eiffel! [Remembering at the last second he mustn't shout it (all the more so if he shares some sensitivity) he pinches his thumb and forefinger together to dramatically stage whisper,] Eiffel! Hilbert's friend! Who already thinks Malcolm keeps fucking up. [Eiffel hasn't made a statement on the matter just yet, but in the unlikely event he actually approves of this as a warden, Walter thinks he'd go out of his way to set the record straight, considering he's observed him on the network in the first place.] Heck, I think John Doe would take to the idea like a fish to water. "I'll serve your safe foods at our group dinner but I'm very disappointed in you."

[At least Walter's got someone who'll listen to his shaggy dog stories... hyperlexic, Will might think of it as - not just the general sense of a skill, but an imbalanced communication profile that affects reciprocity.]

It was one thing when he was giving tough love to Ken. He was the odd one out in his approach when the others were pretty sure Ken is the victim with his ex-girlfriend, you know. [Walter's undecided on this. Ken's an inmate for a reason and his crimes occurred in Barbieland.] I came over a while ago thinking to ask him about it, he'd seemed snippy on the network for a while, but he was hurting after the flood, I didn't want to give him more shit. [In that blanket nest...] Now, though? If his situation is really holding him back, what happens next time? They're convinced he's abusing his power and don't let him use Zero and the guy gets away?

[ There's a series of eyebrow raises as Will listens, this time. Will's demeanor continues to blank out, a way he's trying to deal with the roiling emotions of Walter, but some of this is certainly things Walter faced in the past. Keep quiet, keep your head down, only inject yourself when you need to, etc... ]

First, I wouldn't ask him to do it now. Hardly. I don't think anyone wants this mess going on any longer than it has to. I'd wait until some other unrelated mess is happening, at least. I'd also probably keep my offer separate from whatever talk we had.

But I do think all the people from fantasy worlds or- hell, even fifty years in the past- would do well to learn about this. People are more open-minded here, in my experience. And if they're not going to be, I'd rather have that out in the open for everyone to see.

Eiffel...well. He can take his opinion and shove it.

[ Will's jaw sets and his eyes focus with intensity at a spot on the floor. After a couple of moments, he takes another breath and shakes his head as if trying to clear it. He lets out a small sigh. ]

Maybe Malcolm's been a little snippy because my...visitor stabbed him in the gut and several other places, and he felt like he had to hide it from people. I finally convinced him to let someone in to get it healed.

Common sense carries the day...

[Walter lowers his hands gracefully with palms out. He does feel bad and blame himself about jumping to his conclusion, though it's one of the only harsh statements he'd outright like to take back. He wants control and for that matter wants this to be a situation he can control through controlling Malcolm's behavior, the way that's become and not always been easy for him.

It seems wise to listen to Will about the others on the barge he's known better for longer - though he wonders if this resentment that's manifested multiple times is what's holding Will back from graduation, conveniently allowing him and Malcolm to circle each other like fish, each providing the sweetness and sourness the other can't express as freely at the moment... Then he swears.]

God damn it. [That bastard visitor. Though Walter doesn't use the term because they visited the barge, not him.] I have tried to support him through that, insofar as he let me know anything about it. But... this isn't a one-off thing, neither Malcolm in particular getting hurt nor anyone else. If so many people say they're getting more scared when he tries to act like everything is running smoothly... what do you think?

[It really is something he should be asking Malcolm. Maybe he'll be fully prepared for that soon. Walter's not sure how many more stories he or Will can handle.]

What I think...is the last time he was seriously injured, he posted on the network about it. Mostly to ask for help. And after he was healed, it became a witch hunt against him for wanting some form of acknowledgement that what he went through was fucked up. So he's doing the opposite this time.

What he hasn't entirely learned is that there's no pleasing everyone, no magical approach that will keep people unshocked by this place and what happens here, so he might as well do what he thinks is right.

[ Will stops opining for a moment and looks Walter in the eye. His stare is piercing, as if he were picking up a piece of Walter's soul and turning it over in his hands. ]

What I'm not entirely sure of is why you're asking me this. You're either scared of being hurt here and upset that Malcolm isn't assuaging your fears in some particular way, or you're scared that Malcolm being ostracized for one reason or another is going to reflect poorly on you. Am I hitting close to the target?

Because—

[I see him differently and how am I supposed to graduate now?

All at once directly from his brain, the vision is visceral, much harder to look over from multiple perspectives as from the inanimate Penta game itself. It's a memory of taking the box somewhat newer than the others down from the top shelf, with its crisp corners in his small hands. The ceiling of the cabinet is actually more exposed to his eye than if he'd had an adult's height when this happened. Then a small dot stirring his vision. One of the game pieces slips out onto the floor, "ping!", and then with the eerie glistening of some thin net that comes into focus, a lot more.

The spider's web was too wide across the corners of the closet, and at the scrape of the game box, it snapped.

Walter isn't necessarily worried by this moment of connection. Perhaps if he saw the contents he'd be a little more unnerved, but he thinks the distinction between his real feelings and Will's inference is subtle enough to not be concerning. Spiderwebs have a million little facets, like diamonds. How could Will looking at his face see the face Walter shows to other people?]

Yeah, I was scared. When he didn't want the rest of us to know about the investigation, I didn't know that would play out anywhere near as well as it did, especially when they had other theories. I don't want to tell my friends "my warden is super great and committed and you should really go ahead and trust him, just ignore the time he put someone in Zero, the gossip about that is so exaggerated".

[Walter gives a smile. He can't do sincere, but he can do "tired". From his emotional outburst, after all.]

I wanted another side of the story. You know, like you promised in the warden ledger. So I guess I'm ready for the real deal now.

Edited ("somewhat newer" + "than the others") 2024-07-28 06:21 (UTC)

[ Whenever this happens with Will- when a strong image just burns itself into his brain without an invitation- he takes notice. So here he sits with it, not replying to Walter in an overly-long pause.

But when he does come back, he looks Walter up and down with a raised eyebrow but a mild expression. He dips his head in acknowledgement. ]

The real deal? You haven't been here long enough to know how this place works. Literally anything is possible here. Some months, a flood or a port or even just certain inmates are going to seem targeted to make you deal with hard truths that you won't be able to control.

[ He sighs. ]

I'd say maybe Malcolm and I have been here too long, gotten too used to how things go- but I went through the messy process of self-discovery back home. I'm sorry this whole thing has scared you.

You know Malcolm is never going to be the guy you want when handling public relations, right? I'm not arguing that. But he will be the one to save your life. That's always his highest priority. That's what he did here.

And you're going to have to be honest with Malcolm, eventually...if you want to revive yourself and leave this place. I suspect that's going to be difficult for you.

[He thought the real deal was reasonable enough - that as roundabout as it seemed to ask someone else, he had come for a "translation" from Will and was now prepared to talk to Malcolm himself. But the thought as he'd told to Yelena that wardens and inmates completed each other (and Walter has glossed "complement" that way, because inmates are inherently broken)... So what, is Malcolm's inability to recognize his grandmother supposed to be a sign that Walter needs to move the fuck on?]

Yeah, well, that's what my file is for, isn't it.

[Perhaps Will knew that Malcolm hadn't read it and Walter hadn't confided about it. But - why? Isn't the point that Walter wouldn't have done this work out of his own free will?

He shuffles, picking up his iced tea.]

Look, I'm getting a feeling that reviewing the instructions for the games will be a little much to process. I can leave all three of them for tonight, come back tomorrow.

[ Will's eyebrows raise at the mention of Walter's file, as if asking "Is it?" But he doesn't speak the words.

As Walter declares he's leaving, Will gives him an amused smile. ]

Of course. And thank you. I'd love to play another game with you anytime.

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