empathicfault | IC Inbox

Will's brow knits at being called stronger, and the expression sticks around even after the explanation. He can't easily refute it- Hannibal's words that Will knew better than to breed still sting.

But that's not something to hang an entire life on. Not something to bear when you're already there.

"So you're planning on living in fear about what you could become, for the rest of your life? You've...set up your walls, to try and weather whatever type of storm it turns into?"

"I don't... really know," Malcolm admits. He meets Will's eyes. "Until you, I never really thought of 'the rest of my life' beyond the next case I could cajole someone into letting me work on. I didn't... design anything around anything. The future... just seemed inevitably to be more of the present, marching on and on...." His fingers still a moment and he searches Will's eyes like the answer is in there somewhere. "What do you think I should do?"

Ah. Will knows that march, too. Just 'get through the day' until you get to the next one. Or the next case, the next...attempt on your life. Anything that keeps you distracted.

"I think...you should at least know that it doesn't work. Keeping it locked away and in the dark. All that does is make it more unknown, larger. Scarier. And eventually it'll break through, when you can't control it. And you'll think it's just a...confirmation of everything you feared," he says, pausing to lick his lips.

"Which is why I think it'd be good to let yourself go through some thought experiments. Take down a wall and walk through the space of what entices you and what repulses you. Talk it through with me, even. Test how you feel. See if you need to keep those walls up. See what's you and what's...the specter of your father. And once you know what you've chosen for yourself, we can work together to make sure that happens, with full knowledge."

It's strange to speak so bluntly about something like enjoying violence and murder, but it's freeing, too. He hopes it's the same for Malcolm. "You are so much stronger than you think, you know. You downplay your good, your effort. Even as a child, you saved Gil's life. You did the right thing against all odds."

“I always tell people that I’m not my father. But I think, mostly… I want it to be true.” He finds Will’s eyes with his own again. “Do you think it’s really true?” Sometimes he knows it is, but sometimes he’s not sure. He gets less sure the closer he gets to that edge. But Will’s sharp and he knows killers and he sees people. He’ll know.

Will stares back at him with a small, genuine smile on his face. "It's really true. You aren't your father, not at the core, not even in outside impressions. What you've been through as a child was a great injustice- not just your dad, but the way you were treated after you caught him. But you are not condemned from birth for being your father's son."

He leans forward and kisses Malcolm's forehead gently. It gives him a moment to close his own eyes and hope against hope that Malcolm believes him here, too. "You have had to fight other people's hopes, their fears, their misconceptions almost your whole life. You deserve to know for a fact what actually composes you, how strong you've really been, and how much I love all of it. All of you."

He believes Will. He believes in Will's skill at Seeing People. And it's always easier to see others than it is yourself.

Knowing for a fact what composes him. He... doesn't know what that will be like. What it will look like. He remembers asking Dani what if he makes me who I am? and he was really asking but she didn't have the tools to know the answer to that.

Ultimately, what Will is offering him are the tools to find out himself.

"Okay... how... do we do it? The Enclosure?"

Will hasn't been thinking that far. He'd just wanted Malcolm to consider the idea, so hearing an 'okay' gets a surprised grin out of Will.

"Oh- ...yes, that'd work. Don't even have to go that far to start, if you'd rather not have anything so visceral. I could describe scenarios and you could tell me what you think."

He knows he'd start with revenge scenarios, then trolley problems, then...less obvious choices, until they got to some spaces that were downright murky- and probably past that and into things Will suspects wouldn't interest Malcolm at all. It'd help to have the whole spectrum, so Malcolm knows where he's genuinely not interested.

"But the Enclosure could help add some realism. We'll go at whatever pace you want to.
And I'll be with you the whole way." Because Will knows how scary it is to face this alone.

The fact that Will is pleased with him makes him smile back.

“I always… conceive it in my head. That doesn’t bother me. I think it needs to feel at least a little real to test where the lines are,” Malcolm tells him.

Will nods in agreement. "I wasn't sure how much my experience translated over to yours, but I do understand. Thought I'd give you the easier mode, if that were an option." But they both always end up doing things the difficult way.

"Can I ask what it is you're conceiving of in your head, or do you want to wait until we're getting deeper into this?" Will is so so curious, but he knows this might be pushing. He'll back off the moment Malcolm seems uncomfortable.

"I mean, apart from the murder I did, whenever I investigate a crime scene I always... imagine doing it, from the killer's perspective. Sort of... being the killer in my head helps me... see them," Malcolm explains.

Will gives Malcolm a much-more-often-seen eyeroll as Malcolm says 'the murder I did.' They've already gone over that. It is relevant in this context, but Will wishes he wouldn't put it that way.

The actual answer has Will brightening again. "That's how I do it, too. You step into their shoes and then you know what they did in what order. You see their design by putting it into action." Will tilts his head a bit. "-well...mental action. Do you- uh...do you practically black out when you imagine the murder, or is that one just me?" he adds, looking slightly sheepish.

"Oh... no. That's probably your empathy, actually. It's more like... I don't know. An emotional blueprint? I do... feel what they feel but... I usually know it's not mine," Malcolm explains.

Will breaks into a chuckle. "Yeah... there's a reason Jack had to clear out the CSIs when I got on the scene. It's basically a voluntary hallucination. Apparently I go stock still and jerk around."

He pauses, but there aren't any reassurances he has to make. Malcolm knows more about him than anyone. "So my way is a little more visceral, I suppose. The Enclosure might help make up for...some of that. Have there been times when your own interests or plans got in the way? Threw you off the trail?"

"...There was one time I didn't see the killer at first - didn't even consider him - even though he was right in front of my face, because he reminded me of myself as a child. A nascent sadist. He'd been diagnosed with conduct disorder and he had a Jocasta mother. He stabbed his father over a hundred times. Is that the sort of thing you mean?"

"...yeah, that sort of thing," Will replies quietly. "I...had that with Abigail, too. She...she stabbed a man. The brother of Cassie Boyle, the first murder victim of the copycat. I think it was...at least partially, an accident. Something Hannibal set up to make her desperate and dependent on him."

Will rubs his face. "I didn't see her there, I didn't know it was her until I saw Nick Boyle's body. And I couldn't refute her involvement anymore."

He sighs, reminding himself that Malcolm saved his target. "Okay, so I'm confident our methodologies are similar enough to be analogous. So the things I wish I'd tried before Hannibal dragged all that darkness out of me...maybe we'll try some of those."

"Like what?" Malcolm asks curiously. "What did you want to try?"

"I'll start by giving you scenarios, and you'll have the task of planning out a killing of some sort. We'll run the gamut from extreme self-defense to various forms of active hunting. I'll ask you to give me a status update both before and after we run through the scenario, let me know your feelings." Far more easily done with Malcolm than most people, thankfully.

"We'll stop any time you need a break, and return to it when you feel ready. In that way, we can experiment and...define your darkness, not just assume it's the same as your father's."

“So… if we define the edges and shape of my darkness… I’ll always know exactly where it is,” Malcolm surmises. He watches Will’s face as he adds “Do you think it’s possible to let it out and control it completely?” Was Will in complete control when he split Avalon’s head like a melon? Shaw thinks he lost control, but maybe he’s just letting her think that.

Will smiles a bit at that. "I know it's possible. That's what Hannibal...usually does. That's how it went with me and the Great Red Dragon." Not that he'd been convinced at the time, or he might not have dropped himself off a cliff. But having had more time to sit with the reality of his kill- or their kill, really, but his design- he knows it was under control. The situation wasn't, but his darkness was.

"It's more control, not less," he confesses, a hint of excitement in his tone. "It's you, being in charge of an entire situation, for once. Able to mete out whatever justice you deem right...that really appeals to me."

"Are... you going to be disappointed in me if we do all this work and.... and that justice isn't death?" Malcolm asks. He doesn't know yet what crossing the line looks like for him, but he doesn't want to lose Will if it's not what he expects.

Will blinks in confusion for a moment, then shakes his head. "No. No, that's not the point of this. I want you to figure out what you want. As you said...define the edges and shape of your darkness. Figure out what parts are you. And you can decide how much you want to indulge, from there. What I want doesn't enter into this particular exploration."

It’s true. Malcolm watches him say it and it’s true. He kisses Will tenderly and threads his fingertips through the hair above his ear.

“I think… I think you’re the only one who can make that feel… safe.”

Will kisses him back, smiling against Malcolm's lips. They were actually going to do this. And maybe it's insane to try and explore murder 'safely,' with options given to back out if desired. But it's not more insane than pretending for one's entire life. It's not more insane than manipulating someone over years into various forms of murder. This really feels like this will work for them.

Malcolm says that and Will grins so wide his eyes briefly shut. "I'm so glad. I want to be safe for you, whatever form that takes."

"Do you think it will help you, too? With... knowing what's yours and what's his? Is it possible to still figure out what you want or... do you already know?" Malcolm asks curiously.

Edited 2023-10-30 17:18 (UTC)

Will rubs his chin. "I already know. Hannibal let me lead with the attack on the Dragon. I made him come to us." He smirks.

"That being said...there's plenty more to learn, when I'm not desperate and backed into a corner. I'd like to see if anything changes then." He holds up a hand, briefly. "That's secondary, though. I want you to get what you need from this, first thing."

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