empathicfault | IC Inbox

Will has no doubt sensed the disquiet in Malcolm since Neal’s return and the way he iced them out in art class. He thought he could handle it, though. He thought he had the tools to get through to his inmate if he kept at it, so he didn’t talk about their work. But he doesn’t have the tools.

When Malcolm knocks at Will’s door, it’s late. Later than usual. He’d been in the library finding a good resource and left it for Neal and walked around thinking about what happened, how it all went so badly wrong, how it crashed and burned all over him.

Before Will even gets to the door, he shouts “Will? It’s Malcolm! Can I come in?”

Will can probably sense more than disquiet now, without even opening the door.

Instead of sleeping, Will had been messing with another lure. He could feel the tension that Malcolm was dealing with. And he had his own concerns as well, now that things have been so good for far too long. It doesn't bode well for his own sleep.

He doesn't jump when the door knocks and the dogs both spring up, but it's a close thing. He's gotten good at staying his reactions if there's something sharp in his hands. He sets the lure down and gets up...and Malcolm shouts. Wills' response is to rush a little faster to the door.

As soon as he opens it, he's looking over Malcolm with worried eyes. Winston and Jet 'mob' him, Jet trying to lick Malcolm's fingers. "What do you need?" Will asks, plainly.

“I don’t know,” Malcolm says, drawing a shaky breath. “I think I ruined everything,” he whispers.

Will steps forward to put an arm around Malcolm's shoulders and lean his head against Malcolm's. "Come in, okay? What happened?" His voice is quiet and already wracked with the weight of Malcolm's pain. He'll gently tug Malcolm into his cabin and- if allowed- onto the couch.

Like he’s in a daze, he’ll go where he’s led. He still feels fur nudge at his fingertips while they walk there. He gives it a little scritch.

“I confronted Neal after art class. He’d been avoiding our counseling sessions and then he ignored us in art class and I just didn’t know what to do with his… pissy, snotty attitude. He wouldn’t talk to me, just kept pushing. I thought maybe I could get his attention if I pushed back. He does this thing… he… puts on a pleasant expression like a mask but… you know when you can, like, see the twisted angry face underneath it? Like. You… you can see the ugly, angry true emotion under the pretend nice face? And when we were arguing it just… slipped out. I told him he didn’t used to be ugly inside. And I didn’t mean… Well, it’s not like I could even begin to explain what that was about when he didn’t want to hear it to start with and most people don’t experience things that way. He really latched onto it, though. And it went way, way downhill from there and he hates me. Like, he really does actually hate me. He said it twice.”

That's a lot, and Will keeps his hand on Malcolm's back through the whole explanation. Will's also working with so much bias and such a small sketch of Neal (admittedly, he'd tried to keep it that way), he's not sure he can actually help with this.

"That's...never easy to hear. I'm sorry," Will says, kissing Malcolm's temple gently. He tugs on the blanket already on the back of the couch and expertly puts it around Malcolm's shoulders before hugging him close again. "And sometimes it turns out to be true and sometimes it's not. Things might not be fully broken with him, yet."

Malcolm leans into him, breathing in that affection like air.

"He made some points that other people have made about me. Things I've struggled with myself. I think... I think I'm going to quit the counseling office. I'm not cut out for it. It's not what I do. Caring isn't enough to turn what I do into that. I'm not helping."

Will frowns, due to a couple of things about that. "Can you take a break? A few weeks off? I know it's not exactly conventional, but you need some mental health time, too. I don't-" He fidget slightly, not sure how to put this. "I don't know what Neal said, but- what you do is cut through to what people don't want to hear. And that's helpful, for those of us that normal therapy doesn't reach. At that point, it's what we need to hear. So, I can't think that you're not helping anyone."

Malcolm gives him a weak smile. He was the one who suggested Malcolm really helped him. But he’s a profiler too.

“Your warden fired me from you,” he points out with a self effacing laugh. “…Not that I’m complaining, because being with you is way better but. It did cut at the time.”

"She didn't," Will refutes. "She wanted me to see the other therapists too. But I- I know that's not the issue. She didn't trust you to be able to handle it by yourself. I don't think she's right about that."

But Will knows that his opinion only counts so far when it's about him. "I think," he continues. "-that there are those people who only you can get through to. And in order to find them, you might have confrontations with others...or even those you do help. Your way is blunt and volatile. But it's the truth, and so many people here need that truth."

He frowns a bit, this time at himself. "I don't want you to be unhappy. Or beat your head against what seems like a brick wall. But I don't want you to lose something that's...fulfilling to you, either."

Malcolm thinks about that.

“Last time I had… concerns about… whether I was doing any good, Kiryu suggested that the doubts themselves would undermine the faith people might have in my abilities. He said I should get a tattoo that reminds me of why I do it. He showed me his. It’s a magnificent full back tattoo, though he didn’t think I needed anything that… big. He even offered to take me to the master in Japan that did his. But… it’s not even about not really helping this time. I did harm to Neal. And he’s not the first. Roman. Shaw. Florian. Sweeney. There’s a list of people I just made things worse with. I don’t want to be the guy that hurts people.”

"Hey, hey. Hold on. You're catastrophizing," Will says plainly, rubbing Malcolm's back. "Kiryu has your number, you know. It's your trust in yourself that you need to build here. Shaw hasn't thought you've done harm to her. Hark- Sweeney, you're making progress with." Harkin grunts less loudly when Will brings Malcolm up now. Will still thinks that should count. "And Florian just got here. Calm down, breathe, and tell me one person that you think got at least one piece of good advice from you. I know there's at least one."

He's right, he's right, Will's right. Malcolm takes a breath, however shaky, in through his nose and out through his mouth, then another, slower, a little more steady.

"Okay. Um." He can do this. One person that got help from his advice. "...Kikimora?" He suggests. "...Maybe Johann, but I don't know if that's going to stick now. I'm not sure it's a good thing for him that Florian is here." He pauses. "Um. I was helping Neal for a little while. But in retrospect, I'm not sure it was working because he liked my methods. I think it was working because he liked me. ...Francis. I helped Francis quit drinking again. He asked me to."

Will is so glad that Malcolm will take advice from him- he knows it's because Malcolm's has been through so much therapy, but as the saying goes- 'doctors make the worst patients.' And Malcolm's been in that role for a while now.

He didn't expect to hear more than one name, either, so the list is encouraging. "He asked you to, huh? And you got through to Kikimora, really? I gave up on her after one conversation." And maybe that wasn't entirely fair, but that's why Will would never be interested in anything near this type of job.

Malcolm smiles down at Will's knee and somehow manages to snuggle a little closer.

"It only took about six tries, but I got her to even come in the office and talk over a cup of coffee." He tilts his head to look at Will. "She's not graduating any time soon."

Will smiles a little too. "No, didn't figure she would be. That's a good list, though."

He could keep breaking down the others listed, be very reasonable and methodical about it, but Will takes this less-panicked time to kiss Malcolm gently on the side of the head and continue rubbing his back. Will can't tell him it'll all be okay- that's a platitude that hasn't worked with him for years.

But what he can do is be here, a warm presence that Malcolm can take some solace in. In order to accommodate that, Will shifts around a bit and then manages to pull the edge of the warm blanket over his shoulders as well. His arm carefully finds its way around Malcolm's back, just under the blanket now. They can sit under here for a while. "I'll get you some tea in a little bit," he promises.

It’s so warm and he feels… loved and this is the only sanctuary on the whole ship.

Malcolm curls up against his side, his head on Will’s shoulder. He traces a pattern on Will’s leg.

“Can I just… stay here tonight? I’m not going to sleep.” He quickly adds “You can sleep! I just. Already know I won’t. So maybe I can just stay here. If that’s okay.”

"Of course. And odds are 50/50 that I won't sleep, either, so it'd be nice to have the company." His arm squeezes Malcolm closer, just a bit. Maybe it's a little bit possessive...but Will doesn't want Malcolm going anywhere.

As if to help out, Winston lays his head on Malcolm's feet. Will notices and chuckles. "Looks like the dogs agree." Jet is in the process of trying to 'sneak' onto the open spot on the couch, next to Malcolm- as if Will has ever restricted couch access to any dog before.

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After Neal’s return, the art class and his first two counselling sessions.

Re: After Neal’s return, the art class and his first two counselling sessions.

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