empathicfault | IC Inbox

Totally acceptable. [Teasing:] Cats are absolutely better, but it's all good.

[He's carrying over the drinks. He sets them both down. He sits in a separate section from Will. Takes a deep breath. Then:]

Okay, so... [This is really a dam-about-to-break moment, though Will would need more sensory input to be certain of exactly how.] Look, I know I'm going to sound like a douchebag going [facetiously bright] "we're both people who care about Malcolm!!" [But:] But... I seriously need some perspective because I can't help thinking he handled everything about the announcement during and after the investigation in the absolute worst way imaginable. And I am not trying to use hyperbole.

[ Will takes a sip of his iced tea as Walter goes on about the incident. His eyebrow raises, but he hardly looks surprised. He certainly doesn't look upset. ]

Asking for perspective shows that you're asking the right questions. I'm not going to fault you for wanting that.

[ He stops and licks his lips briefly before continuing. ]

Say you were in a similar situation, here on the Barge. A warden kills another warden, with an extremely premeditated poison. But you go to confront them and they seem...blank. What do you do?

[This wasn't exactly what he expected and he thinks it's a very detached tack for Will to take but unlike some people in his opinion, he isn't unprepared to be surprised, so, fair, that's the whole point. He drains a sizable section of his cup and then firmly puts it down, counting points off with his hands.]

Full disclosure, my first priority is incapacitating the attacker with a weapon so they don't hurt me or anyone else. I might have a harder time noticing their affect, but they also have a harder time wandering off.

[He dares Will to judge him for this. Walter has no illusions that it's unnecessary anymore.]

But I'm no sadist, so sure, let's say the minimal response needed clues me in that the attacker is acting weird. I still probably call Trevor or Zack for physical backup. I tell Malcolm why I did what I did, and before this I would have asked him what he thought, but after this, I don't know, maybe Lark. [He gives Will a Look. There are multiple reasons he has an issue with-] Your question presupposes I know the two guys are wardens, which means I know exactly who they are, and I've got to say that makes Malcolm's whole bit about Abel not knowing anyone sound like BS.

[ Will listens quietly, and- rather than judge him for this, Will is slowly nodding with the idea of incapacitating the attacker. It's the first thing he thought, too.

The last bit about the assumptions leads Will to point a disapproving glance Walter's way. He's surely better than this, to throw out a distraction like 'who recognizes who'. ]

You can recognize someone and never have talked to them- not 'known' them- easily.

[ He taps his communicator, currently on the coffee table, and moves on: ] Okay, three things with that solution. I'm assuming you're calling people you do know, and probably trust. As an inmate, you also have the more ethically-convenient step of notifying your warden and letting them figure it out.

So, as soon as this event comes out on the network- and it will, there's always a witness or rumors or someone investigating- you will be screamed at. Or, I suppose, in an inmate's case, his warden will be screamed at. Because information was kept from the Barge public, you see, and that makes everyone- inmates and wardens alike- mad as hell. Nearly everyone here is used to having a great deal of control, at least at one time. It's tough to deal without, to know that you weren't even looped into the brief danger.

More important than that, though, is my second point. Without knowing at all what's happening or how the 'killer' warden ended up in that state, keeping this quiet instead means that no one knows when other people, who are also mind-controlled, kill other people. And then it becomes a massacre of one half of the ship against the other. Now, in this case that didn't happen, but it easily could've. It might've been magic doing it, or some super-advanced weapon or- anything, really. It is important to share information when anomalies like this occur, no matter how uncomfortable it is.

[ He left a hole there for Walter to poke at, and Will wonders if he'll bite. ]

Thirdly, you'd incapacitate the attacker, and I would, too. But Malcolm didn't. Do you know why?

It's because he couldn't spare any time before checking to make sure Abel was dead. If there was any chance that Abel could survive, Malcolm had to try and help. He didn't know what was in that syringe. The implications were that it was to kill, but what if it just made Abel ill, put him to sleep? Start him on an unapproved vitamin regimen? He made sure Abel couldn't be helped first and moved on from there.

Yeah, one of the things I'd do later is scroll the comments in Abel's posts for friends.

[That's his interjection with the communicator thing - he doesn't think it's a pedantic point that Malcolm thought of the situation like Abel was so new that nobody cared he was gone, when the pacing of how the information came out was totally different. He's otherwise listening diligently, though his arms cross at a certain point, which becomes the first thing he addresses:]

Reporting immediate defense of myself or another to my warden is a cop-out? Or blaming my actions on his negligence? No, I don't think so. It's because if my warden judges my actions unjustified or covered-up, he can do practically whatever he wants to me. He can turn me purple.

[Norton's post was clearly an influence in this... but why purple? What mental symbolism does that have for Walter? Maybe someday Will would find out.]

I hate to say this, but checking on the victim is a to-do list item on more than one hand for me. [He's holding up his hands like it's #6 that went past his five fingers.] I hope I can make him comfortable or dignified when I've done everything else I can, but saving him? On the Barge? I've [miming it] kissed that instinct goodbye. If long-term consequences are what really matter, then soon enough he'll be revived, or magic will heal him from whatever else. I'll be asking someone for help with either of those, not doing it myself. Based on the system here, preventing the trauma that the attacker could inflict on someone not yet involved is arguably a lot more important.

Okay then... let's agree that keeping the barge in the loop is important. So important that asking Lark what to do before the announcement counts as passing the burden to him and covering it up. Therefore, Malcolm made an announcement. But he'd ruled out sharing all the exact info he thought he had at the moment, so it went like this instead. [He huffs through his teeth a few times, trying very hard to not cut really deep in his impression of Malcolm. He manages to proceed a slight deeper breathiness.] "Hey guys, what should we do? And by we, I mean the nine wardens and three inmates I personally trust, the rest of you can buzz off until we're done." How on Earth is that better than filtering to those people in the first place?

[ Will nods at the interjection- might be a good idea. And then he lets Walter speak, his face impassive. He sips his tea. It's nice to be the one with experience for once, and he recognizes that at least some of this is fear. There's been a lot of fear on the barge lately.

He takes a moment to shift in his seat, using the time to compose himself for this response. ]

Putting it out there that someone is killing people is important, in case it's not an isolated incident. It could be time sensitive. Both Malcolm and I have extensive experience with this. Once he could focus on people who could help handle this- yes, it took him apparently too long to reply to people's inquiries. Because he was coordinating with the people getting Hilbert to safety. And yes, Zero is safety in this instance. Because Malcolm recognized that Hilbert might be a victim in this too.

[ He raises his gaze to stare into Walter's eyes. His own are steely and unyielding. ]

The victims always matter. Not even I or Malcolm will be here forever. Death has weight out in the real world. The resurrection system here is just...training wheels.

Have you heard about what happened when Malcolm almost died? When he was nearly bled out by a vampire?

What this is training me for is vampires turning out to be real in my world, whom I'll have to preemptively kill, which would be a real shame because I'm sure some of them are very nice.

[That Walter can spout off something this frivolous and manic is a sign that he hasn't totally lost his comfort around Will. Though he's lost his comfort around other things. Maybe victims don't matter to him if they're vampires. The other man clearly understands they both have a lot to say, and he appreciates that. It isn't like talking to a brick wall, but it is... like swimming uphill. Though Walter's eyes are lidded in a saddened concern.]

Malcolm has told everyone who will listen, [and some people who won't...] not just me, that this is the greatest place ever, he can't get enough. He told me floods and breaches weren't so bad and in ports he fought zombies and space pirates and won. ["Street thugs" on a "space station" were his exact words. It sounded so cool. Now Walter isn't sure.] That he's never been killed, look at him. Did the vampire strike during the guilt-free flood, or something else...? He was shocked when I talked about emergency contacts, and I'm getting worried it never occurred to him to actually have a teleporter and healer and fighter on speed-dial...

[Any info about events before Walter's time is catnip to be honest. If it's less nutritious than some of Will's other bait, so be it.]

Hilbert's history here is another high priority for me, if I can ask. There are inmates who get twisted by their powers, or just psychologically triggered, in Zero. Does everyone actually know he isn't like that? It can be the right choice even then, but... [Why does he hate Hilbert so much? But Walter turns his head a bit, not taking that angle as he's sure it'll receive defensiveness. Better to let Will bring it up, though he'll likely think of it as "something Walter didn't know".] Malcolm decided that on his own, with his few friends. He didn't exactly put it to a vote, and I can't say delayed replies is the word. He was never going to include us at all, and he came off like he was taunting us about it. Lynch mob for Hilbert, sure, but why not worry about lynch mob for anyone acting weird and trigger-happy wardens while we're at it?

[Getting worked up again.] Because someone on the barge has killed and might kill again? Even if it happened recently, that's not news to me, not any that gives me more information to act different. [That are borne of fear.] That's not a big red button moment. That's a day that ends in Y.

[ Okay, maybe it isn't the right moment for story-time. He suspects Walter can teeter on the edge of panic for a while, but he doesn't want to be responsible for being the one to hold him there. He does nod when Walter asks if it was the guilt-free flood, but he doesn't come immediately back to it. ]

Malcolm does love this place, and I do, too. It gives us connections that we've never had in our respective universes. Actual friends, healthier relationships. For the two of us, we were both ostracized from society, only allowed out to hunt down active serial killers and then looked down upon for how well we did it. I gave up trying to gain acceptance, but Malcolm was still trying. This place...it's hard to describe just how different it is. How much kinder the people tend to be.

But I am well aware there's a lot of this place that's inherently terrifying for most people. The unreality aspects are awful for my warden. The murders are...a lot of people try to brush them aside, because it's too scary to acknowledge. There's a loss of control.

But Malcolm and I- we had all that back home. And Malcolm focuses on the good parts he's...never had before. Hyperfocuses, even. [ He pauses to consider something, then looks up to Walter. ] Do you know much about Autism Spectrum Disorder? I'm not sure what year you're from.

[Everything Walter's suspected for ages has been confirmed, and the only saving grace is that Will's presence pushes Walter's needle towards pity for the malleable, dysregulated emotions that drove the two men there instead of fury at their subsequent choices. In a smaller voice, hand against the side of his face.] Oh my god, he seriously will dig this hole through the center of the earth into some dark matter alternate universe...!

[Teetering is exactly the word to latch onto, that could destabilize Will if he isn't careful - the flashes, black and white back and forth, like the tokens in that Pente game. It's louder than Walter's emotions have ever been before, the first time they've struggled against the boundaries of their compartmentalization into physical evidence that Will hasn't pushed to examine. It's not just fear. There's empathy.]

I'm from 2021. The discourse has evolved a lot in the past few years - I have to dial references back for people like Lark, even. So, yes, stimming, inertia, special interests, I'm quite well-versed... I've wondered for myself to be honest. I was also born in 1981, though, you know? I certainly have friends in that community and, you knoooooooow... [he says in an almost comedic way] maybe new friends. I have a guess where you're going with this. The blanket nest would have tipped me off if nothing else.

[From a low point:]

I know that things have always been hard for Malcolm, and the bullying and abuse have severely compounded that. But he's also a warden, and I don't get why he picks some of these hills to die on. [You don't die on hills! You scamper down from them to live! Walter learned that!] With inmates. And people he still thinks of as inmates.

[His eyes silently take in everything, already studying the two paintings with care as he passes them. The same painter did both, with a striking use of black pigments and haunted expressions. Thrawn eyes Will and then bends down to pet both dogs.]

I have. Solace and Elvis.

[Thrawn stands to move to the middle of the room, for a better view of the whole of it. The weapons warrant a closer inspection; they, too, are art.]

The other man who lives here. The two of you share a strain of...intense pathological disturbance. Woven into each other's lives so thoroughly that even from immensely different backgrounds and schools of thought, you've managed to find common ground in what the two of you hold dear.

[ Will nods, glad Walter's from further on than him, rather than behind. He saw the advances and progress made in the mental health community, although they do still have a long way to go. When Walter mentions the blanket nest, Will chuckles. ]

The blanket nest is also a wolf thing, too. Just so you know.

I'm not exactly autistic, myself. But a lot of my symptoms and behavior manifest the same way. Especially the overstimulation and the shutdowns. My condition is so unique that they don't have a name for it, but I read people's body language and cues too well. My mind handles it by essentially recreating what a person feels at the time. My- well. I've been told it's akin to pure empathy.

What Malcolm had was an early diagnosis, that was then completely ignored and hushed up. Can't have him out in high society if he's... [ Will trails off, not even wanting to use the words. ] And then everything happened with his father, and the trauma of that compounded it. His mother took the 'visionary' approach by trying to stand tall through it, which meant she scolded him for any autistic traits and basically forced him to mask, through trauma, at all times. And then when he went to the FBI, he had to put on even more of a mask.

Here has been the only place he's felt safe enough to explore who he is, because everything has been pushed down for so long, he's not sure what's him and what's the 'rules' he had to learn. I've been helping him with it. And yes, since he's new to it, he's going to mess things up, take stands in the wrong places and come off even more strangely than usual. I don't think he did so here, but hopefully we'll get some critiques that aren't bathed in anger or passive-aggression and we can get somewhere.

What would be good is for him to come out with the fact that he's autistic. In fact, there's a lot of neurodiversity here, maybe I should offer a lecture...

Edited (word change) 2024-07-09 19:32 (UTC)

[Walter nods with dark eyes. Malcolm was poised to shut down as it was, and his mother might as well have been a movie star. Everything was hard. All of a sudden when Will leads up to that ending, though, lifts up his hands.] I was going to say "are you crazy" for a second before I thought better of it under the circumstances. [But he really thinks Will is lowballing how indifferent it sounds.] I concur it would be good for him in the long term, and good for other people. And it's a very personal choice. [Ulla. He is thinking of Ulla. Sorry for his condescension, dear sweet beautiful physically-monstrous Ulla.] But in my not-so-professional opinion, he can't do that right now. Not while this is fresh in people's minds. Obviously you know that autistic behaviors aren't always accepted. Sometimes because of real mistakes, sometimes just because they're different. More awareness also means more "autism isn't an excuse to be an asshole".

Think about it! Is there one person on this boat who already knows what autism is? [Off chance this will rustle up Misty lore, though he doubts it in the focused moment.] I'm going out on a limb and putting my money on Eiffel! [Remembering at the last second he mustn't shout it (all the more so if he shares some sensitivity) he pinches his thumb and forefinger together to dramatically stage whisper,] Eiffel! Hilbert's friend! Who already thinks Malcolm keeps fucking up. [Eiffel hasn't made a statement on the matter just yet, but in the unlikely event he actually approves of this as a warden, Walter thinks he'd go out of his way to set the record straight, considering he's observed him on the network in the first place.] Heck, I think John Doe would take to the idea like a fish to water. "I'll serve your safe foods at our group dinner but I'm very disappointed in you."

[At least Walter's got someone who'll listen to his shaggy dog stories... hyperlexic, Will might think of it as - not just the general sense of a skill, but an imbalanced communication profile that affects reciprocity.]

It was one thing when he was giving tough love to Ken. He was the odd one out in his approach when the others were pretty sure Ken is the victim with his ex-girlfriend, you know. [Walter's undecided on this. Ken's an inmate for a reason and his crimes occurred in Barbieland.] I came over a while ago thinking to ask him about it, he'd seemed snippy on the network for a while, but he was hurting after the flood, I didn't want to give him more shit. [In that blanket nest...] Now, though? If his situation is really holding him back, what happens next time? They're convinced he's abusing his power and don't let him use Zero and the guy gets away?

[ There's a series of eyebrow raises as Will listens, this time. Will's demeanor continues to blank out, a way he's trying to deal with the roiling emotions of Walter, but some of this is certainly things Walter faced in the past. Keep quiet, keep your head down, only inject yourself when you need to, etc... ]

First, I wouldn't ask him to do it now. Hardly. I don't think anyone wants this mess going on any longer than it has to. I'd wait until some other unrelated mess is happening, at least. I'd also probably keep my offer separate from whatever talk we had.

But I do think all the people from fantasy worlds or- hell, even fifty years in the past- would do well to learn about this. People are more open-minded here, in my experience. And if they're not going to be, I'd rather have that out in the open for everyone to see.

Eiffel...well. He can take his opinion and shove it.

[ Will's jaw sets and his eyes focus with intensity at a spot on the floor. After a couple of moments, he takes another breath and shakes his head as if trying to clear it. He lets out a small sigh. ]

Maybe Malcolm's been a little snippy because my...visitor stabbed him in the gut and several other places, and he felt like he had to hide it from people. I finally convinced him to let someone in to get it healed.

The dogs are doing good. I've been able to relax my training around them lately- John came by with these collars that make them intangible if someone attacks them. So no more drills to get to the safe points on the boat every day.

I think Buster's taking advantage already, though. He was so well-behaved, and now he's getting a little rebellion back into him. [ Will doesn't sound mad about this at all. ] Keeps trying to pretend he didn't hear me.

Will hugs tightly back, rubbing Malcolm's back a little. "Oh, Malcolm. I'm sorry."

After a moment of quiet and hugs, he asks, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't... know," he says honestly. "Just... like....... the other week when he wanted me to let him heal me he was all 'you're not alone; I'm on your side' and now he's just... leaving." He takes a breath. "That week when I was... injured, Thomas came to visit and he said he's leaving too, but not yet. Just soon. And they both said they'd be happy for us to visit... Johann said he expects us to visit, but... it still feels like when Raylan and Kiryu and Francis all left in a row," he rambles. "So I came down here, because..." He looks up at Will's face. "I just wanted to see someone who won't leave without me, I guess."

[ Will follows, but not before snapping his own picture. ]

Sure.

[ They are, unfortunately, not alone on the elevator. These have to take nearly a city's worth of people up and down, after all. There's not a floor 2439, so after some deliberation Will presses the (digital) button for floor 24. As he pulls away to stand nearer to the window, he sees someone using a mirror to flash on the ground outside? Huh. ]

It's not a bad way to explore the place. Guess we'll see where this puts us.

Common sense carries the day...

[Walter lowers his hands gracefully with palms out. He does feel bad and blame himself about jumping to his conclusion, though it's one of the only harsh statements he'd outright like to take back. He wants control and for that matter wants this to be a situation he can control through controlling Malcolm's behavior, the way that's become and not always been easy for him.

It seems wise to listen to Will about the others on the barge he's known better for longer - though he wonders if this resentment that's manifested multiple times is what's holding Will back from graduation, conveniently allowing him and Malcolm to circle each other like fish, each providing the sweetness and sourness the other can't express as freely at the moment... Then he swears.]

God damn it. [That bastard visitor. Though Walter doesn't use the term because they visited the barge, not him.] I have tried to support him through that, insofar as he let me know anything about it. But... this isn't a one-off thing, neither Malcolm in particular getting hurt nor anyone else. If so many people say they're getting more scared when he tries to act like everything is running smoothly... what do you think?

[It really is something he should be asking Malcolm. Maybe he'll be fully prepared for that soon. Walter's not sure how many more stories he or Will can handle.]

Oh - wow. That's pretty handy, isn't it. I'm glad they have that.

[He has always been acutely aware that animals can suffer when people try to find ways to hurt each other on board.

Although he laughs at the idea of such a smart dog taking advantage. He's not surprised.] Well, at least if he's ignoring you, you know he heard you to be actively ignoring it. Maybe he's just trying to get some extra treats out of you. Libby will do nearly anything for extra treats.

What I think...is the last time he was seriously injured, he posted on the network about it. Mostly to ask for help. And after he was healed, it became a witch hunt against him for wanting some form of acknowledgement that what he went through was fucked up. So he's doing the opposite this time.

What he hasn't entirely learned is that there's no pleasing everyone, no magical approach that will keep people unshocked by this place and what happens here, so he might as well do what he thinks is right.

[ Will stops opining for a moment and looks Walter in the eye. His stare is piercing, as if he were picking up a piece of Walter's soul and turning it over in his hands. ]

What I'm not entirely sure of is why you're asking me this. You're either scared of being hurt here and upset that Malcolm isn't assuaging your fears in some particular way, or you're scared that Malcolm being ostracized for one reason or another is going to reflect poorly on you. Am I hitting close to the target?

Will pulls back enough to look Malcolm in the face, then leans forward to gently kiss him on the forehead, the cheek, the mouth. It's a reverent movement, to remind Malcolm how cherished he is.

"And I won't. I'm sorry you have to go through this again."

The tenderness of the gesture makes the tension in his frame ease tangibly. His fingers fidget absently at the seams of Will's shirt at his shoulder and his waist.

"Neal's been in a coma for a long time. I know it'll be okay even if it's just you and me left, but... I liked... having friends." His arms slip back around Will and he holds on tight. "But if I can only hold on to one thing that I've never had before, I'd choose this."

[ Will doesn't exactly smile at the assessment, but he does look almost desperately fond. He stares at the floor for a moment, as if trying to hide a blush. ]

Yes. My partner is Malcolm Bright. This is his cabin, which I imagine you already knew. All the weapons are his.

[ The display cases are fully of weapons of a large variety types, clearly all from different eras and different civilizations. Nearly all of them are in excellent usable shape. The display cases themselves only use a simple lock, and- notably- neither of them are locked right now. There is a spot missing for a short, but very thin blade. ]

We've both been subject to mental and physical torture at the hands of serial killers. It's difficult to find people who understand what that does to you.

Oh yeah. Buster frequently wants to eat everything and fight everything. As long as I keep the fight part under control, I'm not going to worry as much about the rest of it.

Malcolm's sense of loss is tangible to Will. He lets himself feel it for a moment, gently pressing his forehead against Malcolm's, letting the tears well up. One of these days, it'll be Will's turn. Shaw's in a coma right now, but the regularity of it makes it seem less worrying, somehow. It makes her less likely to disappear.

"You still have friends. And we will visit them, but...it's still a break. They're difficult to reach. And it still hurts...I don't think any of it is going to feel real until I'm free to go."

He doesn't apologize this time. It's just how it is. He leans into Malcolm and hugs him tightly. "The moment I graduate, we see how many places Iris is willing to take us. I've been making up a list."

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