Will Graham (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
empathicfault) wrote2023-06-18 11:04 am
empathicfault) wrote2023-06-18 11:04 am
IC Inbox
[Open for text/audio/action/whatever.]
[Open for text/audio/action/whatever.]
We have. And I've thought about it. I've got a plan for what I want to do. I want to travel, and I want to help out people who are lost, or forgotten, or plain sacrificed on society's altar. If I'm outside their system, I have a better chance of affecting change.
So...uh, not too far off from what you do. Just more of a multi-versal scope.
So...uh, not too far off from what you do. Just more of a multi-versal scope.
[ He chuckles. ]
Well. Okay, you have a point, there. But I more meant what goal I have to pass in order to hit that graduation finish line. I don't know what this place wants from me.
Well. Okay, you have a point, there. But I more meant what goal I have to pass in order to hit that graduation finish line. I don't know what this place wants from me.
Uugh, you're probably right. I hate that you're right.
[ He sounds pleased, though, through the performative groaning. ]
[ He sounds pleased, though, through the performative groaning. ]
The day they organized the Kiryu meeting, in the evening, after arguing with Shaw and Jesus.
abrightboy
2023-11-28 06:46 pm (UTC)(link)
Will's been around more since the Breach, but he'd gone to his own cabin to feed the dogs and grab a few things, so Malcolm flopped on the couch and checked the Network.
He was glad to see that Kiryu was ready to organize the meetings, but then... things took the kind of turn they take, because he's... him. Will almost certainly saw the words that passed between him and Shaw and he may have seen the public part of his conversations with Rosita and Jesus. And once those are over, he has to get out of his cabin, so he goes for a restless walk and his feet carry him... straight to Will's door, almost like he was in a trance to get there. He stands in front of it for a long moment. Then it occurs to him that Will can probably smell him there. He knocks.
He was glad to see that Kiryu was ready to organize the meetings, but then... things took the kind of turn they take, because he's... him. Will almost certainly saw the words that passed between him and Shaw and he may have seen the public part of his conversations with Rosita and Jesus. And once those are over, he has to get out of his cabin, so he goes for a restless walk and his feet carry him... straight to Will's door, almost like he was in a trance to get there. He stands in front of it for a long moment. Then it occurs to him that Will can probably smell him there. He knocks.
Will opens the door in the middle of Malcolm knocking. Yeah, he smelled him. He's still a little flustered himself, after trying to sort out what even happened on the post with Kiryu and Shaw. But knowing Malcolm's here pulls a smile from him.
"Hey, come in," he says, more like directions than an offer. Will tugs Malcolm to him in a hug and shuts the door behind him. "Rough night, huh?"
"Hey, come in," he says, more like directions than an offer. Will tugs Malcolm to him in a hug and shuts the door behind him. "Rough night, huh?"
Malcolm melts into the warmth of Will's arms. They somehow always take some of the sting off of fresh emotional wounds. He lingers in them; rests his cheek on Will's shoulder.
"Yeah. Um. I wasn't nice. I don't like that. Sometimes I just... can't stop myself in the moment. And so I switched to private and tried to explain to Jesus... I tried to explain where I was coming from. And I apologized. And I found out that it's not strictly that you're an inmate that makes me amoral for being here. He thinks you were my patient. I tried to explain that you had come to the office early on to check counselling out and that's how we met. That we became friends after that. That we were close friends before it became more, not... not working together professionally. He doesn't believe me. I told him he could ask you, but he just said that it bothers him how I try to soften my mistakes and don't own them. And he reiterated that he just can't have a therapist who sleeps with his patients. Someone told him that Will. Someone who isn't even involved, because we're the only ones who are. And he believes them and not me. And I don't know... I don't know what to do with that. I guess, ultimately, it doesn't matter what he thinks, it's just... it's the day Shaw called everyone I know and told them stuff about me that isn't true all over again with someone else, except proving that people do believe this crap and it does do me reputational harm." He pauses, lifts his head, pulls back just enough to look at Will's face. "I'm doing it again," he realizes, blinking.
"Yeah. Um. I wasn't nice. I don't like that. Sometimes I just... can't stop myself in the moment. And so I switched to private and tried to explain to Jesus... I tried to explain where I was coming from. And I apologized. And I found out that it's not strictly that you're an inmate that makes me amoral for being here. He thinks you were my patient. I tried to explain that you had come to the office early on to check counselling out and that's how we met. That we became friends after that. That we were close friends before it became more, not... not working together professionally. He doesn't believe me. I told him he could ask you, but he just said that it bothers him how I try to soften my mistakes and don't own them. And he reiterated that he just can't have a therapist who sleeps with his patients. Someone told him that Will. Someone who isn't even involved, because we're the only ones who are. And he believes them and not me. And I don't know... I don't know what to do with that. I guess, ultimately, it doesn't matter what he thinks, it's just... it's the day Shaw called everyone I know and told them stuff about me that isn't true all over again with someone else, except proving that people do believe this crap and it does do me reputational harm." He pauses, lifts his head, pulls back just enough to look at Will's face. "I'm doing it again," he realizes, blinking.
Edited 2023-11-28 19:14 (UTC)
Will winces internally at the description of events- of course, the stuff with Jesus is at the forefront of Malcolm's mind. But it's becoming clear just how much damage it had done, Will's insistence at keeping the boundaries nebulous when seeking help. The vagueness is being used as a strike against Malcolm now.
He'll get to that, but- for now he listens. And when Malcolm gets to the end and comes to some sort of realization, Will tilts his head and kisses Malcolm's forehead. He can't wait any more. "What is it you're doing again?" he asks, quietly and mildly.
He'll get to that, but- for now he listens. And when Malcolm gets to the end and comes to some sort of realization, Will tilts his head and kisses Malcolm's forehead. He can't wait any more. "What is it you're doing again?" he asks, quietly and mildly.
Malcolm's eyes flutter closed for a moment when Will kisses his forehead. Everything feels so good and right here. Why does it feel like it's more and more under attack?
He opens his eyes and looks up at Will's face. He reaches up and touches his jaw for a moment before letting his hand drop to Will's shoulder.
"I've been told that it's irresponsible to... get upset about things that are bothering me like that. Two people have told me I always play the victim and it's tiring. And that it's extra irresponsible to come to you about these things, because you're an inmate and I can hurt your graduation by..." He trails off and frowns thoughtfully. "I'm not completely clear by what, but... I'm supposed to solve your problems; I'm not supposed to ask you to solve mine."
He pauses uncertainly.
"Can you tell me something completely honestly? I... I'm not practiced at... at interpersonal relationships. Especially not... especially not love. I've never... this is the first relationship I've been in that's ever been... real. But. Does that mean... am I using you? Is it selfish of me to... to want to be warm like this? Is it hurting you?"
He opens his eyes and looks up at Will's face. He reaches up and touches his jaw for a moment before letting his hand drop to Will's shoulder.
"I've been told that it's irresponsible to... get upset about things that are bothering me like that. Two people have told me I always play the victim and it's tiring. And that it's extra irresponsible to come to you about these things, because you're an inmate and I can hurt your graduation by..." He trails off and frowns thoughtfully. "I'm not completely clear by what, but... I'm supposed to solve your problems; I'm not supposed to ask you to solve mine."
He pauses uncertainly.
"Can you tell me something completely honestly? I... I'm not practiced at... at interpersonal relationships. Especially not... especially not love. I've never... this is the first relationship I've been in that's ever been... real. But. Does that mean... am I using you? Is it selfish of me to... to want to be warm like this? Is it hurting you?"
Will looks at Malcolm for a moment and then shakes his head. And then he pulls Malcolm closer, practically giving him a bear hug. "You are not hurting me. You are definitely not using me. I still worry I'm using you, although less so now. You aren't as experienced, like you say, and I find a lot of comfort in you. So much comfort."
He leans his head against Malcolm's and speaks quietly into his ear. "You have emotional dysregulation and probably arrested development. It means that when something irks or upsets you, you have a hard time backing off. You want the feelings resolved, which is...unfortunately not how the world works. Definitely not how it works here. But just because someone might have a point, it doesn't mean they're right, and just because someone presents rules, it doesn't mean you have to follow them, or you're bad."
He almost heads off on a tangent, something that wouldn't be helpful to either of them, but catches himself before he starts complaining about how subjective that whole thing is anyway. He lets out a sigh as he regathers his thoughts. "We are going to hurt each other sometimes. That's how relationships are. You let each other in close enough that any errant carelessness or mistake can cause a harm. But if we didn't make mistakes we would never grow. We'd never know how to adapt or evolve into something better than we are. ...for example..."
He finally pulls back a little and looks at him. "I intentionally tried to blur the line between our professional and personal relationships at the beginning of our time together. I did that because it made me more comfortable accepting help, and also left the door open when I became more interested in you....I also knew at the time that if anyone took heat for it, it'd be you- and that decision is biting me in the ass now, because other wardens took that and ran with it. I'm sorry about that."
He leans his head against Malcolm's and speaks quietly into his ear. "You have emotional dysregulation and probably arrested development. It means that when something irks or upsets you, you have a hard time backing off. You want the feelings resolved, which is...unfortunately not how the world works. Definitely not how it works here. But just because someone might have a point, it doesn't mean they're right, and just because someone presents rules, it doesn't mean you have to follow them, or you're bad."
He almost heads off on a tangent, something that wouldn't be helpful to either of them, but catches himself before he starts complaining about how subjective that whole thing is anyway. He lets out a sigh as he regathers his thoughts. "We are going to hurt each other sometimes. That's how relationships are. You let each other in close enough that any errant carelessness or mistake can cause a harm. But if we didn't make mistakes we would never grow. We'd never know how to adapt or evolve into something better than we are. ...for example..."
He finally pulls back a little and looks at him. "I intentionally tried to blur the line between our professional and personal relationships at the beginning of our time together. I did that because it made me more comfortable accepting help, and also left the door open when I became more interested in you....I also knew at the time that if anyone took heat for it, it'd be you- and that decision is biting me in the ass now, because other wardens took that and ran with it. I'm sorry about that."
The tension in Malcolm does ease as Will holds him and, particularly, as Will speaks. Will sees him. Will understands. And - most importantly - the truth Will is telling him is what he thought the truth was. They’re a comfort to each other. Relationships make you vulnerable, but it’s worth it because you help each other grow. Each other. Not one way in either direction.
Right up to the last part, where he finds himself blinking surprise. He’s sure it’s not Will’s fault.
He tries to process that.
“But… we were friends. That… was true… wasn’t it?”
Right up to the last part, where he finds himself blinking surprise. He’s sure it’s not Will’s fault.
He tries to process that.
“But… we were friends. That… was true… wasn’t it?”
"We were. We are. Very good friends, right away." Will smiles at him, but it's just a little sad. "But when we talked, the first couple of times, I was going to you for therapy sessions. We ended up diving deep, but it was...more mutual, than that relationship's supposed to be. And that worked for me, because I-" He laughs somewhat self-deprecatingly at himself and shakes his head. "I hate therapy. Always have, if I'm honest. But I can take it like that."
He takes Malcolm's hand in his own and squeezes it. "I've been through that situation before, not manufactured by me then, but-" He lets out a small sigh. "Since I started it that way, since I didn't say 'stop, I think I want to be friends instead' and clearly delineate...that's the concern some people have about it. I knew better, but I was..." He bites his lip for a moment, looks mildly embarrassed even while he smiles fondly. "...pining. Distracted."
He takes Malcolm's hand in his own and squeezes it. "I've been through that situation before, not manufactured by me then, but-" He lets out a small sigh. "Since I started it that way, since I didn't say 'stop, I think I want to be friends instead' and clearly delineate...that's the concern some people have about it. I knew better, but I was..." He bites his lip for a moment, looks mildly embarrassed even while he smiles fondly. "...pining. Distracted."
“Oh.” And he’s a little distracted, because Will is squeezing his hand and… wait. He looks at Will’s face again. “Pining for me?”
He would have sooooooo given Will the time of day before he came to Malcolm’s cabin that night. But maybe it’s right that it started with them at a fevered boil.
“I… was distracted too.” By trying to do what he always does. Get the attention of any smart and capable woman that will talk to him more than once because that’s the kind of person you’re supposed to go out with to make your mother happy. He smiles almost shyly. “I wish I’d noticed.” Though would he have believed it or thought he was misreading it? “And… knew what that looked like so I’d have recognized it.” Because let’s be real.
He looks up at Will’s face again, just studying it for a moment, then he leans in to give him a gentle but lingering kiss.
“So… it’s okay that I’m scared… that I’m scared of the idea of losing you?”
He would have sooooooo given Will the time of day before he came to Malcolm’s cabin that night. But maybe it’s right that it started with them at a fevered boil.
“I… was distracted too.” By trying to do what he always does. Get the attention of any smart and capable woman that will talk to him more than once because that’s the kind of person you’re supposed to go out with to make your mother happy. He smiles almost shyly. “I wish I’d noticed.” Though would he have believed it or thought he was misreading it? “And… knew what that looked like so I’d have recognized it.” Because let’s be real.
He looks up at Will’s face again, just studying it for a moment, then he leans in to give him a gentle but lingering kiss.
“So… it’s okay that I’m scared… that I’m scared of the idea of losing you?”
"Yes, for you," is the laughing response to Malcolm's surprised outburst. You dork is unsaid but implied in the tone. Malcolm had more than just him pining, too. That became obvious later.
The kiss is extremely welcome, and Will squeezes Malcolm's hand again as they do so. As they part, he says, "I don't know who you're asking, me or the general population, but- of course it's okay. I'm terrified of losing you. To anything. You having feelings isn't a problem." He reaches up and runs his fingers through Malcolm's hair, pushing it back. "The way you express them sometimes could probably use some work, but I'm the same way. And mine tends to be more violent, hence the inmate status."
The kiss is extremely welcome, and Will squeezes Malcolm's hand again as they do so. As they part, he says, "I don't know who you're asking, me or the general population, but- of course it's okay. I'm terrified of losing you. To anything. You having feelings isn't a problem." He reaches up and runs his fingers through Malcolm's hair, pushing it back. "The way you express them sometimes could probably use some work, but I'm the same way. And mine tends to be more violent, hence the inmate status."
Malcolm smiles, looking down at their intertwined hands, then looks up at him.
“You’re the one whose opinions matter,” Malcolm says. “But I’m pretty sure the expressions of my emotions some of them consider a problem include ‘kissing you’ and… anything more intimate than kissing…” He falls silent for a second, pressing his lips together for a moment, a faint crease in his brow. “I… have been having trouble making it understood what my problem with what Shaw did to ‘handle’ me after Avalon and Jesus’ issue with me actually is. “It’s not about whether they like me or not or… or whether Jesus wants to do counselling with me. It’s about wider reputational damage. How widely does an earnest accusation of sexual misconduct or mental instability from someone that people take seriously as a Good Warden have to spread before Kiryu has to determine that - whether it’s true or not - the optics of me working in counselling just… aren’t tenable? At what point does it have to be considered that the image of counselling as a department people can turn to in confidence and be vulnerable in will suffer if it’s the place that employs the crazy man who sleeps with his patients. That’s how he put it. ‘I couldn’t do therapy with someone who sleeps with his patients’. Patients. Plural. Like I do it all the time.” A beat. “I mean. If you count, then I do do it all the time, but his wording makes it sound like I do it with lots of them. Like… ‘send me vulnerable people in pain so I can get them on my couch’ sort of vibes.”
“You’re the one whose opinions matter,” Malcolm says. “But I’m pretty sure the expressions of my emotions some of them consider a problem include ‘kissing you’ and… anything more intimate than kissing…” He falls silent for a second, pressing his lips together for a moment, a faint crease in his brow. “I… have been having trouble making it understood what my problem with what Shaw did to ‘handle’ me after Avalon and Jesus’ issue with me actually is. “It’s not about whether they like me or not or… or whether Jesus wants to do counselling with me. It’s about wider reputational damage. How widely does an earnest accusation of sexual misconduct or mental instability from someone that people take seriously as a Good Warden have to spread before Kiryu has to determine that - whether it’s true or not - the optics of me working in counselling just… aren’t tenable? At what point does it have to be considered that the image of counselling as a department people can turn to in confidence and be vulnerable in will suffer if it’s the place that employs the crazy man who sleeps with his patients. That’s how he put it. ‘I couldn’t do therapy with someone who sleeps with his patients’. Patients. Plural. Like I do it all the time.” A beat. “I mean. If you count, then I do do it all the time, but his wording makes it sound like I do it with lots of them. Like… ‘send me vulnerable people in pain so I can get them on my couch’ sort of vibes.”
Edited 2023-11-30 00:19 (UTC)
Will makes an annoyed face when Malcolm brings up what Jesus said to Malcolm. That is definitely leaning towards labelling Malcolm with a repeated behavior that is very much not how he operates. And that's Will's fault, too, partially. So he's going to have to try and fix what he can.
"Yeah, that's...really stretching the events way out of proportion." He rubs his chin thoughtfully for a moment. "Even so, I think you're too worried about what a 'reputation' means here on the Barge. Kiryu's an old gangster, you know. Shaw was black ops. Even if people believed it- and I don't think they do- you're not going to get pushed out of your position. The only thing I think that could do it would be...demotion, maybe."
"Yeah, that's...really stretching the events way out of proportion." He rubs his chin thoughtfully for a moment. "Even so, I think you're too worried about what a 'reputation' means here on the Barge. Kiryu's an old gangster, you know. Shaw was black ops. Even if people believed it- and I don't think they do- you're not going to get pushed out of your position. The only thing I think that could do it would be...demotion, maybe."
“It’ll be even worse if I get prospective clients looking for the guy who sleeps with his patients,” Malcolm says with a frown. “He said it in public. And I don’t know who he chats about it with.”
He sighs.
“Everyone says it doesn’t matter. Maybe I’m conveying my meaning just fine and it just doesn’t matter,” he concedes.
He looks at Will uncertainly. “You’d tell me if you thought I was… being inappropriate, right? Or if I hurt you?”
He sighs.
“Everyone says it doesn’t matter. Maybe I’m conveying my meaning just fine and it just doesn’t matter,” he concedes.
He looks at Will uncertainly. “You’d tell me if you thought I was… being inappropriate, right? Or if I hurt you?”
Will snorts in amusement. The look in his eyes is fond. "I would've stabbed you by now, you know. I'm not going to let someone do that to me again." ...not unless he was in control of it, anyway.
He shakes his head slightly, then leans forward again, pulling close to speak into Malcolm's ear. It has the convenient side effect of letting him press half his face into Malcolm's hair, which he does shamelessly.
"No one here believes anything unless they see it for themselves. But the fact that you're so concerned about the appearance of guilt makes you seem...more guilty. And we did start out, briefly, as doctor and patient. So perhaps just admitting to that one thing and then moving on would settle people. But- I don't know. I know it's difficult to not worry about it, but I don't think it's going to cause any extra problems."
He shakes his head slightly, then leans forward again, pulling close to speak into Malcolm's ear. It has the convenient side effect of letting him press half his face into Malcolm's hair, which he does shamelessly.
"No one here believes anything unless they see it for themselves. But the fact that you're so concerned about the appearance of guilt makes you seem...more guilty. And we did start out, briefly, as doctor and patient. So perhaps just admitting to that one thing and then moving on would settle people. But- I don't know. I know it's difficult to not worry about it, but I don't think it's going to cause any extra problems."
Malcolm clutches his stomach in relief at first, but Will suggests conceding what doesn’t feel like the truth.
His hand wanders to grasp Will’s shirt instead.
“But… that’s saying it is inappropriate…” he murmurs back, troubled.
His hand wanders to grasp Will’s shirt instead.
“But… that’s saying it is inappropriate…” he murmurs back, troubled.
Will pulls back again and brushes his thumb over Malcolm's cheek. "What is 'inappropriate' and why does it matter? Twenty years ago, the two of us being together at all would be considered inappropriate. Because we're both men. Just because there's more than one person upset about it doesn't mean it's right."
He looks at Malcolm, his own expression serious but...gentle. They both need gentle right now. "But it is a power imbalance that we started from, even if it was just briefly. I suppose there's still a power imbalance, since I'm an inmate. It's something to recognize and be mindful of. But we can acknowledge it and talk about it- and we have- and decide for ourselves how we want to handle it. Others can frown, but I'm more than done with people acting like I can't make my own decisions."
His jaw sets, and the softness is gone in an instant. He can't hold it while wading into this territory. "Especially since they're always the sort to see fake problems and ignore the real ones. The ones who don't help when I actually ask for it. It's Sheehan and Jesus, right?"
He looks at Malcolm, his own expression serious but...gentle. They both need gentle right now. "But it is a power imbalance that we started from, even if it was just briefly. I suppose there's still a power imbalance, since I'm an inmate. It's something to recognize and be mindful of. But we can acknowledge it and talk about it- and we have- and decide for ourselves how we want to handle it. Others can frown, but I'm more than done with people acting like I can't make my own decisions."
His jaw sets, and the softness is gone in an instant. He can't hold it while wading into this territory. "Especially since they're always the sort to see fake problems and ignore the real ones. The ones who don't help when I actually ask for it. It's Sheehan and Jesus, right?"
It makes sense what he's saying. It makes sense and it feels like the truth again. Tension in his face and frame eases and his gaze wanders down to Will's shoulder as he internalizes it and then snap back to his face when he very accurately guesses the sources of this particular discomfort.
"Yes," he admits easily, because even if he could lie to Will, he has no desire to and even less to protect Sheehan and Jesus from anything. "They didn't help you when you asked them for help?"
"Yes," he admits easily, because even if he could lie to Will, he has no desire to and even less to protect Sheehan and Jesus from anything. "They didn't help you when you asked them for help?"
Hey... I don't know that it matters much anymore but I told Malcolm I'd ask. When you told me you met Malcolm by going to him as a therapist, you were telling the truth, right?
Hi, Jesus. And yes. I went to him twice before giving up the ghost and then seeing him in more of a friendly- or perhaps more like a fellow scholar- sort of capacity. We became good friends, and I confessed my feelings to him a couple months later.
I don't hold your concerns against you, in case you're worried about that. I understand the very beginning of our relationship is problematic. It's been addressed- although I don't know if you'll believe me, considering how Malcolm came off that night.
I don't hold your concerns against you, in case you're worried about that. I understand the very beginning of our relationship is problematic. It's been addressed- although I don't know if you'll believe me, considering how Malcolm came off that night.
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