empathicfault | IC Inbox

....I wouldn't have said so when it happened, but I had a lot more faith in the other wardens to...I don't know, so their job then? Or maybe I had the wrong idea of what you were tasked with. I figured people would read the ledgers. Want to at least know what dangers there were for their inmate.

Perhaps it's just the nature of this place that if it isn't loud, it might as well not exist.

But yeah, I think I can react differently next time. I think I was affected by my new nature, in a way I didn't expect. I didn't let myself stop and consider other options. I've actually been working on getting more energy out in the Enclosure while you've been down. I think that's helping, as much as that makes me sound like a corgi that hasn't gotten enough play time.

But even before the Breach hit, I've been feeling more settled, less reactive.

I've had wardens react like I'm performing some gross privacy violation by reading and writing in the ledger. And there's a lot of stupid Barge norm stuff that I'll compromise on, but this isn't one of them; the ledger is useful. It pisses me off that people just ignore it as a resource. Same with the files.

But look, I believe you can react differently; we've already covered that. I wanna know what you think about the idea of being asked to react differently.

[ Damn, he'd been kind of hoping to avoid that last bit. But he does feel a little more settled on it. ]

Now? I've made my point with Avalon. And I'd rather not be out of control. That's the opposite of what I want. So I think I should react differently. Only take action if there's an imminent threat.

Have people really been giving you flak for using the ledgers? Isn't that what they're for?

You were in control enough not to use one of your weapons.

[The ones that only worked in self-defense; the ones that, presumably, would have been useless against Avalon.]

And yeah, a couple have. Nothing major, just vague overtures of disapproval.

It wasn't...maybe other people wouldn't have noticed it. But there was a point when I usually would've stopped and thought things through. And I didn't. I followed my emotional core, something I almost never do without making a- a somewhat rational decision first. I wasn't...stepping forward with clear eyes. I just wanted to make them stop, and...I wanted to do it with my hands.

[ He's probably not going to get the horrified look from Shaw that Alana had given him on a few occasions, but the hesitation is there anyway. ]

[Which she definitely hears, and it makes her pause for a moment.]

I know exactly how much damage I could do if I didn't stop and make certain choices. I know how much damage I did do, when I worked for the government.

I don't think less of you.

Thanks.

...you see why I'd like to avoid that, though. It was an indicator that I'm not thinking straight. I probably would've called you if I was. Gotten your help figuring out how to handle things.

Next time, yeah?

-- I don't mean next time Avalon stalks you; I'm gonna work like hell to keep it from coming to that. But there's always a big risk of something here.

Has Tennant told you his creepy-ass ideas for keeping you from losing control?

[ Will chuckles at Shaw's clarification. ]

That is what I figured. Obviously, we're avoiding the Avalon situation happening again. But there is always something.

[ He nods, figuring she deserves something concrete. ] Next time. Yes.

I'm not sure I would notice if an idea was 'creepy-ass' or not, considering my own issues. But we did only talk a little about helping me curb my more violent instincts. What did he suggest to you?

Cool.

So, uh-- we were gonna have a sit-down with Bright, too; do you remember that?

With Malcolm and Kiryu, right? Or were we going to try the three of us, first?

I don't... think he's gonna want Kiryu involved, so just us. Is that okay?

Exposure therapy using psychics and telepaths to recreate what Avalon did to you in a controlled environment, guiding you into better reactions. I said not on his life, unless you went in with full and enthusiastic consent.

Oh. Yeah, of course. I've been offering. I'd like to help with any of...that, that I can.

When and where?

Hmmm. Honestly, it's not the worst idea I've heard. Exposure therapy can be extremely helpful in some situations, I just hadn't thought of it as an option with this supernatural crap.

Of course, it'd highly depend on who was involved in the recreations.

Tomorrow, and...I don't know, my cabin? We could go somewhere more neutral, if you'd rather. But that'd be private.

If you do it, I'd like to be there when it happens. At least the first couple times.

Your cabin's fine; I don't have any preferences on place.

Of course. I'd like you there, too. Probably for all of them. If nothing else, I'd like you there making sure nothing was going wrong on the outside.

All right, sounds like a plan.

...uh, Shaw? I know this is somewhat out of nowhere, but- do you think I'm making any progress? Towards graduating?

It's not out of nowhere; I bet a lot of inmates worry about that. And I think you are, yeah. You're actively working for it, which gives you a leg up. You're willing to think about what landed you here and make an attempt at changing those patterns in your life, even when it's hard. And when you screw up, you own up to it, instead of doubling down.

Back in May, would you have talked to me at all about your frustrations about Avalon?

...no, I suppose not. Certainly not in February.

[ Huh. He hadn't thought about it that way. ]

I realized that I'm still not entirely sure what it is I'm working towards. But I suppose small measures of earned trust can't hurt.

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audio; thanks for never sending me this notif, DW

audio; it's nice like that :P