Will Graham (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
empathicfault) wrote2023-06-18 11:04 am
empathicfault) wrote2023-06-18 11:04 am
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[Open for text/audio/action/whatever.]
[Open for text/audio/action/whatever.]
He wasn't really visible from the few windows outside the Lounge. However, as soon as Malcolm walks in, he'll see Will leaning against the bar and facing the door. He's a little sweaty- he clearly just got here.
Will's grin is a little more wolf -like than usual, as he pushes off the bar. "Knew I made it too easy for you."
Will's grin is a little more wolf -like than usual, as he pushes off the bar. "Knew I made it too easy for you."
Malcolm grins at him.
"Maybe you wanted me to catch you," he teases as he walks over. When he reaches him, he doesn't hesitate in throwing his arms around his husband and giving him an enthusiastic kiss.
"Maybe you wanted me to catch you," he teases as he walks over. When he reaches him, he doesn't hesitate in throwing his arms around his husband and giving him an enthusiastic kiss.
Will lets out a small laugh of joy as Malcolm approaches him. They kiss, and Will's arms automatically go around Malcolm's waist.
"Maybe I did," he replies as they finally separate. "Because I knew it would lead to this. And maybe I'd like to catch you sometime, myself. But that's...more recreational." He leans in close, but doesn't go for another kiss (not yet). "Would you like something to drink before we head home?"
"Maybe I did," he replies as they finally separate. "Because I knew it would lead to this. And maybe I'd like to catch you sometime, myself. But that's...more recreational." He leans in close, but doesn't go for another kiss (not yet). "Would you like something to drink before we head home?"
“I could go for a whiskey,” he admits. “Even though it involves at least one of us letting go…”
[Will knew what Malcolm had gone to the library for. He was there when Malcolm took the call from Arthur. It's not even an hour later when Malcolm quietly lets himself into their cabin, but the emotions coming from him aren't the defeat or self-reproach that the two blooming black eyes he's sporting might suggest he should expect. There's a sort of peace in him now.]
Will? I'm back.
[He glances around the open space as he toes off his shoes into the boot tray by the door. He still wants his hugs. And maybe the bag of frozen peas. In that order.]
Will? I'm back.
[He glances around the open space as he toes off his shoes into the boot tray by the door. He still wants his hugs. And maybe the bag of frozen peas. In that order.]
[ Malcolm is easier to read than most, to the point that Will doesn't even have to see him first anymore. Their knowledge of each other, Will's heightened senses, and the heart on Malcolm's sleeve...it all makes inhabiting his husband's emotions easier.
So while at first, Will can tell there's a shift and a calm? He doesn't know how it went until he sees those black eyes. His upper lip curls up a little, but he still manages a sad smile as he approaches. ]
Welcome back. Come here.
[ Hugs first-- and last. Peas in the middle, after some comfort. Will wraps his arms around his husband and rubs his back, careful to avoid touching the bruises on Malcolm's face. When he speaks, it's into Malcolm's hair. ]
You seem...relieved.
So while at first, Will can tell there's a shift and a calm? He doesn't know how it went until he sees those black eyes. His upper lip curls up a little, but he still manages a sad smile as he approaches. ]
Welcome back. Come here.
[ Hugs first-- and last. Peas in the middle, after some comfort. Will wraps his arms around his husband and rubs his back, careful to avoid touching the bruises on Malcolm's face. When he speaks, it's into Malcolm's hair. ]
You seem...relieved.
[He all but melts into that embrace, smiling against Will’s shoulder at the remark. This is honestly the best. Why does he leave their cabin? Oh, right. Helping people. They have family now. Yoga. Still. This is the coziest and the warmest right here.]
I realized I’ve been banging my face against a wall and… it’s never going to help. People always… dismiss my perspective because of losing control of my emotions. I kind of… get the blame for escalating discussions into arguments because I fail to control it. But… I didn’t lose it today. And Arthur said I’m an idiot and I’m selfish and I harm people all the time because I don’t have any empathy and I… know he’s wrong. I just know that and it’s like that time with Justine. I just. I don’t care because he’s wrong and he doesn’t want to know the truth.
I realized I’ve been banging my face against a wall and… it’s never going to help. People always… dismiss my perspective because of losing control of my emotions. I kind of… get the blame for escalating discussions into arguments because I fail to control it. But… I didn’t lose it today. And Arthur said I’m an idiot and I’m selfish and I harm people all the time because I don’t have any empathy and I… know he’s wrong. I just know that and it’s like that time with Justine. I just. I don’t care because he’s wrong and he doesn’t want to know the truth.
[ Will's fingers stop rubbing Malcolm's back and dig in a bit, at hearing that summary. But- it's a good thing, ultimately. Malcolm came out of it so much more okay than when he had strife with Neal, over a year ago. ]
You know...you're starting to sound like someone who trusts his own brain a little. Someone who doesn't accept everyone else's total authority over him.
You know...you're starting to sound like someone who trusts his own brain a little. Someone who doesn't accept everyone else's total authority over him.
[His smile broadens a little, though the lower part of his cheek is still pressed to Will’s shoulder and he will feel it more than see it.]
I’ve been exposed to better metrics of what’s reasonable and what’s real and what’s worthwhile since I met my husband.
I’ve been exposed to better metrics of what’s reasonable and what’s real and what’s worthwhile since I met my husband.
Oh, yeah? He must be a great guy.
[ Will pulls back, a smirk on his face. He's not going to ask more questions or to try and 'fix' the situation, like he has in the past. The details don't matter. This is the fuel that Malcolm needs for his own Becoming. If it ends up being destructive, at least it will be outwardly so.
He squeezes Malcolm's arm lightly, then brushes past him to head to the fridge. ]
Come on, let's get a cold pack on that. Then we can head to the couch, get the blankets and the dogs and the Twizzlers. The whole shebang.
[ Will pulls back, a smirk on his face. He's not going to ask more questions or to try and 'fix' the situation, like he has in the past. The details don't matter. This is the fuel that Malcolm needs for his own Becoming. If it ends up being destructive, at least it will be outwardly so.
He squeezes Malcolm's arm lightly, then brushes past him to head to the fridge. ]
Come on, let's get a cold pack on that. Then we can head to the couch, get the blankets and the dogs and the Twizzlers. The whole shebang.
[Malcolm grins.]
I feel like I'm being rewarded for something. [Joking.] Can we have that hibiscus tea too? [He follows to the kitchen, where the ice pack is anyway.] I like the smell.
I feel like I'm being rewarded for something. [Joking.] Can we have that hibiscus tea too? [He follows to the kitchen, where the ice pack is anyway.] I like the smell.
You can.
[ Will takes the bag of peas out of the freezer and wraps it loosely in a towel. Then he hands it over to Malcolm, and heads to the stove to start the water boiling. ]
And maybe you're rewarding yourself a little. I told you the steps you needed to take for yourself were ones that only you were capable of making. If you look back today, you'll see that you've walked a very long way. Today's another milestone.
[ Will takes the bag of peas out of the freezer and wraps it loosely in a towel. Then he hands it over to Malcolm, and heads to the stove to start the water boiling. ]
And maybe you're rewarding yourself a little. I told you the steps you needed to take for yourself were ones that only you were capable of making. If you look back today, you'll see that you've walked a very long way. Today's another milestone.
[Malcolm smiles lopsidedly and takes the ice pack, pressing it to his face. He can’t actually see Will anymore, but happily he can still hear and smell him as he moves around.]
You are a great guy.
[He thinks about it, the picture Will has painted.]
…I can… definitely see how I feel differently about some things. And… I think it’s easier to take being misunderstood and rejected for that when… I know I have people in my life who do understand me and who won’t ever reject me. Having a solid rock foundation to stand on makes it way easier; I’m not going to lie.
[He falls thoughtfully silent for a second.]
Arthur says I’m selfish because when I ran into Sokie in a common area or answered an open post on the network, I talked to her without understanding everything she was going through. But. Isn’t that how everyone talks to anyone they’re just getting to know?
[It’s not the desperate plea for direction he might normally put out there after a situation like this; it’s a musing over the one thing he really didn’t understand. Something to analyze for the future, not ruminate on from the past.]
You are a great guy.
[He thinks about it, the picture Will has painted.]
…I can… definitely see how I feel differently about some things. And… I think it’s easier to take being misunderstood and rejected for that when… I know I have people in my life who do understand me and who won’t ever reject me. Having a solid rock foundation to stand on makes it way easier; I’m not going to lie.
[He falls thoughtfully silent for a second.]
Arthur says I’m selfish because when I ran into Sokie in a common area or answered an open post on the network, I talked to her without understanding everything she was going through. But. Isn’t that how everyone talks to anyone they’re just getting to know?
[It’s not the desperate plea for direction he might normally put out there after a situation like this; it’s a musing over the one thing he really didn’t understand. Something to analyze for the future, not ruminate on from the past.]
[ And Will can catch that. Just like Will can feel the truth of him- him- being a 'solid rock foundation.' It makes his heart feel like it's glowing. He licks his lips and leans against the counter next to the stove to think the question over. ]
It is how most people do it. However, most people- as a rule- don't have as much difficulty with social cues. It's possible that she said or did something that most people would interpret as 'leave me alone' or 'I'm too messed up for this' and that you interpreted as 'try again later.' And that's always going to be something of a stumbling block, I think. Not much to do about that, other than try to right yourself and apologize.
There's also...I suspect you hyper-fixate on someone who you'd like to be a friend, and then they keep coming up in your mind and you interact with them every time you see them in any context. It's happened a few times, and I think this was one of them. Now I like that amount of attention, but it's too much for most. It comes across as desperate. That aspect of it you can probably mitigate, in the future.
It is how most people do it. However, most people- as a rule- don't have as much difficulty with social cues. It's possible that she said or did something that most people would interpret as 'leave me alone' or 'I'm too messed up for this' and that you interpreted as 'try again later.' And that's always going to be something of a stumbling block, I think. Not much to do about that, other than try to right yourself and apologize.
There's also...I suspect you hyper-fixate on someone who you'd like to be a friend, and then they keep coming up in your mind and you interact with them every time you see them in any context. It's happened a few times, and I think this was one of them. Now I like that amount of attention, but it's too much for most. It comes across as desperate. That aspect of it you can probably mitigate, in the future.
Yeah, I... think I can.
[He maybe got carried away. He has to be cool about stuff like that. That's all.]
She did tell me 'not yet'. But. Maybe she was just being polite. [He can concede that.] Anyway, I can't apologize to her. I'm not allowed to talk to her. But I asked John to convey my apology last week and I told Arthur I'm sorry for hurting her today, because he says I did, but I don't know if he'll pass it on.
[He takes the ice pack down from his face.]
How bad does it look? I haven't seen it, but it's throbbing. [And the blood on his cuff and around his fingernails on his right hand say he had a nose bleed he had to stem with his hand.]
[He maybe got carried away. He has to be cool about stuff like that. That's all.]
She did tell me 'not yet'. But. Maybe she was just being polite. [He can concede that.] Anyway, I can't apologize to her. I'm not allowed to talk to her. But I asked John to convey my apology last week and I told Arthur I'm sorry for hurting her today, because he says I did, but I don't know if he'll pass it on.
[He takes the ice pack down from his face.]
How bad does it look? I haven't seen it, but it's throbbing. [And the blood on his cuff and around his fingernails on his right hand say he had a nose bleed he had to stem with his hand.]
[ Will peers, and then nods. ]
It looks like it's going to turn that ugly green color the bad ones do, before turning the rest of the bruise palette. Doesn't look like your nose is broken, though...miraculously. Arthur can sure throw a punch.
[ He turns the sink on, and makes sure it reaches a comfortable temperature before gently pulling Malcolm's hand under the water. He rubs some soap over the fingernails before washing them off. ]
Perhaps if it happens again...someone telling you to back off- you keep your distance and let them approach you the next time? That way they'll know that you'll give them the space they need.
You've made enough friends here that you should know- it's not a fluke. You really and truly do connect strongly with some of the people here. You don't have to hold out for others, in hopes they'll tolerate you later. You're worth more than that, sweetheart.
It looks like it's going to turn that ugly green color the bad ones do, before turning the rest of the bruise palette. Doesn't look like your nose is broken, though...miraculously. Arthur can sure throw a punch.
[ He turns the sink on, and makes sure it reaches a comfortable temperature before gently pulling Malcolm's hand under the water. He rubs some soap over the fingernails before washing them off. ]
Perhaps if it happens again...someone telling you to back off- you keep your distance and let them approach you the next time? That way they'll know that you'll give them the space they need.
You've made enough friends here that you should know- it's not a fluke. You really and truly do connect strongly with some of the people here. You don't have to hold out for others, in hopes they'll tolerate you later. You're worth more than that, sweetheart.
[He considers that while Will carefully scrubs at the crusted blood on his hand, then slowly nods acceptance.]
And I don’t really… need more than I have now. I think it’s like… you know when someone has lived through deprivation and then, for the rest of their lives they hoard food and overeat, even though, by logical metrics, they have plenty and access to it whenever they want. They just have… a particular anxiety around that… trauma. And someone that doesn’t understand what they’ve survived - not just know, but understand - they can mistake it for selfishness. And… maybe it is, objectively; keeping all that food for themselves. But… it’s not about self-aggrandizement for them. It feels like it’s about survival. The lizard brain doing what the lizard brain does. My lizard brain pushes me to… to collect connection, because I’ve existed in deprivation of it and humans require community of some sort to survive. But there are interconnected layers of trauma in there, competing for resources…
[His voice trails off and he looks at Will, then he looks into the sink, watching blood swirl down the drain.]
He said I don’t see people as people, that I don’t engage with them emotionally and everything I say dehumanizes them and I shouldn’t be a counsellor and I don’t deserve to be a warden. [He huffs a faint laugh.] Possibly the world’s fastest slide from exemplary warden to not being worthy of being a warden at all. [He looks at Will again.] That’s when the switch flipped in me. That’s when I actually did disengage emotionally. It happened like he flipped a switch inside me.
And I don’t really… need more than I have now. I think it’s like… you know when someone has lived through deprivation and then, for the rest of their lives they hoard food and overeat, even though, by logical metrics, they have plenty and access to it whenever they want. They just have… a particular anxiety around that… trauma. And someone that doesn’t understand what they’ve survived - not just know, but understand - they can mistake it for selfishness. And… maybe it is, objectively; keeping all that food for themselves. But… it’s not about self-aggrandizement for them. It feels like it’s about survival. The lizard brain doing what the lizard brain does. My lizard brain pushes me to… to collect connection, because I’ve existed in deprivation of it and humans require community of some sort to survive. But there are interconnected layers of trauma in there, competing for resources…
[His voice trails off and he looks at Will, then he looks into the sink, watching blood swirl down the drain.]
He said I don’t see people as people, that I don’t engage with them emotionally and everything I say dehumanizes them and I shouldn’t be a counsellor and I don’t deserve to be a warden. [He huffs a faint laugh.] Possibly the world’s fastest slide from exemplary warden to not being worthy of being a warden at all. [He looks at Will again.] That’s when the switch flipped in me. That’s when I actually did disengage emotionally. It happened like he flipped a switch inside me.
[ Will nods through the explanation Malcolm is giving himself, how Malcolm's lizard brain has taught itself to work, in order to feel like a human being in a society he's been taught to need. It's a start.
He looks up when he feels Malcolm's eyes on him, and continues to watch him for the rest of it. ]
And I kept trying so hard to help people and then was told that I was manipulating them gleefully. I gave my life to hunting down murderers but people still treated me with disdain. It wasn't until I stopped and decided to use them for my own gains, that they suddenly thought I was the nicest guy. Here to help.
[ That's not fair. He shouldn't compare people where he's from to those here. They're not the same- or maybe they are but the ratio of worthwhile people to the others is higher. It just hit so close to home, that feeling. ]
You hit your limit. You are defining the shape of yourself by testing these boundaries. And perhaps that'll even help with what Arthur was complaining about...because you get so invested with most people who'll interact with you. For those less invested, it can start to seem like pressure for them to 'perform up to your expectations.' It's like...blowing a measurement device so out of range that it reads as zero. Less investment will mean they can see the feelings that are there and not feel overwhelmed by them.
[ Getting those fingers as clean as they're going to be, he brings them up to his lips and kisses them gently, before starting to dry them with a towel.]
But that part doesn't really matter, because the switch flipped. You don't have to understand it, you just have to know who you are and what you'll take.
He looks up when he feels Malcolm's eyes on him, and continues to watch him for the rest of it. ]
And I kept trying so hard to help people and then was told that I was manipulating them gleefully. I gave my life to hunting down murderers but people still treated me with disdain. It wasn't until I stopped and decided to use them for my own gains, that they suddenly thought I was the nicest guy. Here to help.
[ That's not fair. He shouldn't compare people where he's from to those here. They're not the same- or maybe they are but the ratio of worthwhile people to the others is higher. It just hit so close to home, that feeling. ]
You hit your limit. You are defining the shape of yourself by testing these boundaries. And perhaps that'll even help with what Arthur was complaining about...because you get so invested with most people who'll interact with you. For those less invested, it can start to seem like pressure for them to 'perform up to your expectations.' It's like...blowing a measurement device so out of range that it reads as zero. Less investment will mean they can see the feelings that are there and not feel overwhelmed by them.
[ Getting those fingers as clean as they're going to be, he brings them up to his lips and kisses them gently, before starting to dry them with a towel.]
But that part doesn't really matter, because the switch flipped. You don't have to understand it, you just have to know who you are and what you'll take.
[He smiles, charmed, by the kiss to his fingers.
Who you are and what you’ll take.]
I think… I’ve never actually known. It’s weird, right? I’m thirty-three years old… thirty-four? Do birthdays count here? And all I’ve ever been able to identify is one thing I’m not.
[He looks up to meet Will’s eyes again.]
He didn’t hit me because I insulted him. Well. No, I mean, apparently he finds everything I say somehow insulting. But. He wasn’t listening. He spent twenty minutes telling me how it should be clear to me that he intended to listen to me because he called the meeting and that’s what that means to anyone with a brain… and then he didn’t. Listen. So finally I asked why he came. Was it only because John asked him to? That’s when he let fly. He called me an idiot and he called me selfish and he called me a bad counsellor and a worse warden… or maybe the other way around and he thought that was fine. A reasonable and fair way to make his point. Which was… that I fail at being a human being, I guess. But ask why he was having a meeting he clearly didn’t want to have: that’s crossing a line. I’m a little bit sad because I knew he didn’t like me, but I used to respect him. But… I’m also… relieved. Like you observed. I’m relieved that it’s over and I don’t have to worry about it or invest in it or… care about it. Is… you said I was testing the boundaries of what I can take. That’s how you described the work we did in the Enclosure. Is… did I make progress on Becoming?
Who you are and what you’ll take.]
I think… I’ve never actually known. It’s weird, right? I’m thirty-three years old… thirty-four? Do birthdays count here? And all I’ve ever been able to identify is one thing I’m not.
[He looks up to meet Will’s eyes again.]
He didn’t hit me because I insulted him. Well. No, I mean, apparently he finds everything I say somehow insulting. But. He wasn’t listening. He spent twenty minutes telling me how it should be clear to me that he intended to listen to me because he called the meeting and that’s what that means to anyone with a brain… and then he didn’t. Listen. So finally I asked why he came. Was it only because John asked him to? That’s when he let fly. He called me an idiot and he called me selfish and he called me a bad counsellor and a worse warden… or maybe the other way around and he thought that was fine. A reasonable and fair way to make his point. Which was… that I fail at being a human being, I guess. But ask why he was having a meeting he clearly didn’t want to have: that’s crossing a line. I’m a little bit sad because I knew he didn’t like me, but I used to respect him. But… I’m also… relieved. Like you observed. I’m relieved that it’s over and I don’t have to worry about it or invest in it or… care about it. Is… you said I was testing the boundaries of what I can take. That’s how you described the work we did in the Enclosure. Is… did I make progress on Becoming?
Edited 2025-03-17 19:46 (UTC)
[ Will retreats into his mind for a few moments as Malcolm recounts the experience, face blank and eyes focused strongly on nothing in the middle distance. But then he blinks and he's looking into Malcolm's eyes again.
At the question, he breaks into a small but extremely pleased smile. ]
What do you think? It's yours, after all.
At the question, he breaks into a small but extremely pleased smile. ]
What do you think? It's yours, after all.
[Malcolm considers that.]
Do you think I can learn to tell when it should be over and make it over before it... starts?
Do you think I can learn to tell when it should be over and make it over before it... starts?
[ Will considers his response. The kettle interrupts him and he heads to turn the stove off, and set up the tea. ]
I don't think there are rules that you don't define yourself. I can only guide you on the path, you have to take the steps.
But trust me when I say it's already started. At some point- and maybe more than once- there will be a significant leap you have to make. You will find yourself prepared to make it. You're doing that right now, preparing. Building your faith in yourself. Shedding your shame. That's you.
[ He looks back up towards Malcolm. The smile is no longer on his lips, but still in his eyes. ]
I don't think there are rules that you don't define yourself. I can only guide you on the path, you have to take the steps.
But trust me when I say it's already started. At some point- and maybe more than once- there will be a significant leap you have to make. You will find yourself prepared to make it. You're doing that right now, preparing. Building your faith in yourself. Shedding your shame. That's you.
[ He looks back up towards Malcolm. The smile is no longer on his lips, but still in his eyes. ]
...You're still going to like me when the shame layer comes off like a snake's skin, right?
[He asks it like it's a joke but there's a nervousness behind it. If he gets rid of too much, changes too much, will Will still want what's left?]
[He asks it like it's a joke but there's a nervousness behind it. If he gets rid of too much, changes too much, will Will still want what's left?]
[ Will grins brightly. It turns into a smirk as he speaks. ]
I will. I could never dislike a form that you choose, something that makes you happy.
Besides, what do Sin and Star look like after they shed their skin?
I will. I could never dislike a form that you choose, something that makes you happy.
Besides, what do Sin and Star look like after they shed their skin?
The same. [Conceded.] But... their skin isn't accidentally a disguise. [He reaches out for Will, for whatever he can grasp at with his fingertips: the edge of Will's shirt, the pocket of his pants.] Though... you do already see through all disguises.
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